The 5 Stages of a Hangover

Kelsey Moody | February 21, 2015

Brought to you by someone who knows what she’s talking about.

5-stages-of-a-hangover-man-repeller

Stage 1: Denial

Your first reaction to waking up on top of all your covers — spooning your laptop, crusted pasta sauce remnants sitting in a bowl on your floor — will be, this is not happening. Someone else decided to eat late night pasta. Someone else decided to wear flannel-lined pajama bottoms and open all of the windows in your bedroom. As you run around closing said windows in an inside out and backwards “going out top,” you agree firmly: This. Is. Not. Happening.

This defense mechanism shields you from the harsh reality of day until the next stage blinds you with rage once you realize your wallet is empty.

hangover stage 1

Stage 2: Anger

As denial begins to fade, the stinging pain of reality reemerges. This will happen after the fetal position but before the attempt to put on day-pants. The main slots in your wallet are empty:

1. License

2. Credit card

3. There’s no third thing. You never carry cash because hello, it’s 2015 and you’re a broke 25-year-old.

How could this have happened? Why do you insist on making drinks to drink and then drink them and get drunk?! You have no one to blame except for everyone you have ever met because this is all their fault. Help.

hangover stage 2

Stage 3: Bargaining

Helplessness and vulnerability have taken the wheel. If only you didn’t go out. If only you decided to work late instead. If only you stayed in and re-watched Harry Potter, numbers 5-8. (Goblet of Fire kinda sucks, gotta start with The Order. You’re hungover, not a moron.) And shots of tequila? Why?

Dear God, Dear Abby, Dear Prudence, Dear John — anyone! If you make this feeling go away, we all promise to do better.

hangover stage 3

Stage 4: Depression

You won’t do better. You are the worst. In this period of grief, sadness and regret dominate your every thought. Why did you even think to chose “Stay” by Lisa Loeb as your karaoke song when you know damn well that Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” kills every time? Every time! Perhaps, all you really need is a hug…maybe with some cream cheese, bacon, and tomato in the middle. With a bagel on the outside. You need a bagel. What you need now is actually a bagel.

bagel gif

Stage 5: Acceptance

With food, love and elastic-waist pants, you too can find acceptance. Whether it eventually takes the form of a 45-minute hot shower, a 12-hour nap or a Good Wife marathon, you’ll find solace at the end of a hangover. Misery loves company, Bloody Marys can substitute a meal if there’s bacon in it, and Sundays are only scary if you let the terrorists win. Enjoy your last hungover-free hours like an American and eat some goddamn ice cream.

hangover stage 5

You deserve it.

  • Those GIF’s says it all.

    jeansandmacaroons.blogspot.com

  • Ha! This was fantastic and hilarious, Kelsey. Then the day after, there’s always the inevitable, “I’m never, ever drinking again.”

    • Kelsey Moody

      Been there…I’m a fraud though! I went to bed at 8pm last night after a pint of Ben & Jerrys and a good cry after watching Theory of Everything :

  • haha, loved this! You always say you will never do it again, but we know what happens.

    http://www.FashionSnag.com

  • Hello, it’s actually 2015.

    ellabooxo • beauty & lifestyle

  • hahaha so funny

    xxxx

    http://www.dominiquecandido.com

  • So funny, Kelsey!

    • toidauhaytoido

      I ‘m very happy for the first time signed in for the last 13 months

  • Julia

    Perfection, complete and utter perfection 😀

    ExploresMore / Bloglovin

  • Allie Fasanella

    This is perfect: “You have no one to blame except for everyone you have ever met because this is all their fault.”

    This is so dead on Kelsey. I’m gonna go get a bagel now.

  • Glow On

    lol. I always frantically check my wallet to make sure no cards are missing after a night out. http://www.getchaglowon.com/

  • I used to have a nasty habit of eating Cheetos after a night out. I’d wake up with orange fingers and mentally cry NOOOOO!

    Great GIFs. All explain the stages of a hangover very nicely. xo

    • Kelsey Moody

      Gifs are all Amelia, folks!

  • Greer

    You were still drunk, not angry, in Stage 2 because it’s 2015 my hungover companion

  • Emma Bovary

    YESSS love this

  • parkzark

    Yes, so damn funny.

  • Tue bestie bestia

  • Victoria

    This article is hilariously accurate. There’s only one shocking problem here, how could you not like goblet of fire? I loved that one!! I mean young pre-twilight rob pattinson, come on! haha

  • You just get me

  • fishmonster

    This is funny!

  • How is this so incredibly factual and also making me nauseous!

    http://tostylewithlove.com/

    Daphne

  • Sam

    THIS is a beautiful thing.

    etsy.com/shop/OTRVintageClothing

  • First, thank you so much for the T-pain reference.

    Second, thank you for the education! I don’t drink, and I generally suck at being 22 – I’m in bed by 10:30 most nights (except fashion week and vacations because yay), and if I stay up/out late more than one night at a time, I feel horrible in the morning anyway. I cannot imagine what a hangover feels like on top of the non-morning-person’s daily drama of waking up, and you have painted such a beautiful picture. 🙂

  • Chantelle

    HAHAHA! Always think I’ll do better next time and have more control. Hasn’t happened yet x

    http://www.2matesandablog.com

  • MetsFan17315

    nice

  • Chris Nipper

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  • Jay Mee

    Hi there!
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  • Restless Blonde

    Hahaha, love it. Last Thursday had a party with my colleagues and on Friday I though I was dying!!…Just mixed prosecco and vodka. Wouldn’t reccomend to even worst enemy. Well. I can drink litres of wine and it’ll be ok, but mixing – NOPE…

    http://restlessblonde.blogspot.com

  • So true, so funny
    thecowslip.blogspot.co.uk