Why “50 Shades of Grey” is Weird

Amelia Diamond | February 18, 2015

Just in time for the Oscars! Jk.

I did not read the books. I read a part of the book — the one that started it all — during a dark part of Hurricane Sandy, out loud, to a room full of girls crammed into an apartment that had lost electricity, so we were doing this by candle light. It was a very demented version of Story Time with Mother Goose: I did voices and paused often for effect and lifted my eyes up over my glasses to scan the room while finishing sentences to the crowd. Really hammed it up.

We didn’t get much further than three chapters, maybe. The breathy voice I’d adapted for Anastasia Steele made one girl who didn’t know me well “very uncomfortable,” and my actual friends couldn’t get past the fact that I kept pronouncing Christian Grey’s name as Krishtan Grah when, after around the fourth page, I’d decided that all of this would sound better in a Mid-Atlantic accent.

Once the book closed I never picked it up again. I’d gotten the gist, hated how it was written, do not have repressed BDSM fantasies and besides, the Internet told me everything else I needed to know.

Then came the movie. This part was inevitable, as was the fan-world collectively arguing against who was and was not “right” for the parts, what scenes would be left in — should any be left out? — and would they sneak wine into the theater, or arrive buzzed?

My friends and I arrived buzzed. There’s no point in me defending why I went, but it was an excuse for popcorn with Reese’s Pieces and gave me a reason to ignore my phone. The movie itself was probably in the top tier of worst ones I’ve ever seen besides The Other Women, but what do I know; 50 Shades of Grey has reportedly made 265 million dollars since it opened.

What I do know is that it was weird. Not because of the sex scenes, because whatever. If you have HBO you’ve seen it all and to each their own and we’re a generation of un-shockables. And yes, I found the glazing over of Christian Grey’s childhood abuse uncomfortable and odd though there, at least, I assumed it was one instance where I would’ve “had to” read the book to understand.

But there were at least a handful of instances that no prior book knowledge could have helped. They are as follows:

1. His last name is Grey. Her last name is Steele. If they get married and she chooses to accept his last name while keeping her own with the use of the currently fashionable hyphen, then Anastasia’s last name will be Steele-Grey. Why don’t the two characters find this funny?! My friend once casually mentioned that I should meet her cousin whose last name is Castle and to this day I still wear out the “Diamond-Castle” joke, and he and I haven’t even met. Raw, unused material. What a waste.

love-the-steele-greys-man-repeller-50-shades-of-grey

2. Why does she work at a hardware store? That’s such a weird fucking job for a college student. Don’t most college students work at the book store or something?

3. Christian Grey sometimes looks like a cat.

christian-grey-50-shades-cat-man-repeller

4. But not like a cat-cat. A human cat. Like the cats in Cats.

5. Christian Grey exercises control in all aspects of his life except for his attachment to Abercrombie & Fitch circa 2006 jeans. I hope he knows that if he dates Anastasia longer than a year she’s going to “accidentally throw them out” one day.

6. Speaking of which, what year is this movie set in? Why does she have a flip phone? Shouldn’t he then have a Blackberry?

7. Yes, it is creepy that Christian wants Ana to sleep in a room by herself where 15 other women “previously slept” aka he later killed them because he’s a serial killer. What I have a problem with is the strong lack of interior design in comparison to the rest of the house. It looks like the setting for a tampon ad in 1992 Tampa, Florida.

tampax-ad-50-shades-of-grey-man-rpeeller

8. While I’m shitting on cities, let’s talk about how excited Anastasia gets when Christian Grey announces he’s flying her to Seattle. I believe her line was, “We’re going to Seattle?!?!” Ana, he did not say “the Bahamas.” He did not even say “skiing.” He said, in less words than more, “We are going to the birth place of Starbucks.”

seattle-fifty-shades-of-grey-man-repeller

9. The only person who gets as excited as Ana did about Seattle (and remember, this is a girl who possesses the ability to say “butt plugs,” “anal fisting,” and “Christian Grey” without laughing) is a mega-Twilight nerd. Ana is clearly obsessed with the type of guy who is obsessed with her to the point of slight violence and heavy delusion. In fact, Grey kind of reminds me of a certain Noah Calhoun who threatened to kill himself on a Ferris wheel, all for a date.

10. Neither of them brush their teeth. Not after she barfs, not before their morning make out sessions, never. This was my biggest issue with the film. I am not a prude, but I cannot stand idly by while two people who I know have bad breath swap spit.

can-i-floss-for-you-50-shades-of-grey-man-repeller

And that’s it. That’s my rant. But please guys, now more than ever, I need your opinions down below. Help me work through this. My safe word is yellow, and the light is turning red.

  • Have you read this? http://www.vogue.com/10572593/fifty-shades-of-grey-valentines-day-breathless-karley-sciortino/

    I reckon the film had to not make sense in the non-BDSM aspects cause it doesn’t make sense when it comes to BDSM…….

    • Amelia Diamond

      Not until you sent it to me! ” “The current trend of BDSM in the mainstream is an exciting step forward for sexual freedom,” she told me, “though much of its portrayal is still rooted in sensationalism and inaccuracy. What many mainstream audience members perhaps don’t understand is that, at its core, BDSM is about love, trust, respect, and mutual enjoyment. I wish I could put that disclaimer on every book, film, and music video that’s using kink to get attention right now!” Super interesting. Thank you for sharing!

  • Nicole L.

    The flip phone thing is extra weird because she definitely seemed like she wasn’t poor. I mean, if she’s paying out of state tuition to go to school in Washington when she’s from Georgia, plus she’s just moving to Seattle right away after college with no job lined up, she can afford at least an iPhone 5C.

    • I moved to Seattle last fall with no job lined up, and I can tell you from experience that you CANNOT do it without a hefty savings account…which one cannot get by working at a hardware store, I’m assuming. 😉

    • Amelia Diamond

      BUT she couldn’t afford to fix her lap top. IDK. Anna and Rihanna use a flip phone so I don’t think it’s a financial thing. Too bad she worked at a hardware store though and not a tech repair shop!

    • Lauren

      The reason she was able to move to Seattle without a job lined up is because Kate’s parents were solely paying for the apartment they shared until Ana was able to chip in. That’s what the story line was in the book. I have yet to see the movie so I’m not sure how it plays out.

      • Amelia Diamond

        Her whole relationship with Kate is super confusing and not discussed. Kate’s supposed to be her best friend but she tells Kate NOTHING. Maybe that’s what Kate gets for eating all of Ana’s food though.

        • Kelsey Moody

          The non disclosure agreement Amelia, get with the program

          • Amelia Diamond

            BUT SHE DIDN’T SIGN. Also NDAs don’t apply to BFFS.

          • Kelsey Moody

            If im not mistaken she signed the NDA but did NOT sign the butt plug/fisting contract? were they one in the same? anyone a lawyer here?

          • I’m a lawyer who lives in Seattle, so double whammy. In my totes profesh opinion, I would never roll a butt plug contract into an NDA. However, I didn’t see the movie OR read the book so I can’t say for sure. If I ever do I’ll be sure to come back and update my opinion 🙂

          • Ali

            Seriously. Out of EVERYTHING that seemed the weirdest to me. Like, if a guy I’m seeing suddenly reveals he’s in to butt plug/BDSM stuff you better believe my BFF is getting an extremely frantic late night text. At the very least, something like ‘GIRL LET’S GET COFFEE TOMORROW CAN’T TALK RIGHT NOW BUT CALL ME LATER AAAAHHHHH BYE XXXX’ perhaps followed by some enigmatic poop emojis

        • Lauren

          Hahaha I thought this was very strange too as I tell my best friend everything. I think it might just be Ana’s personality? I’m not really sure. I also find it strange that she probes Christian constantly and wants to know everything about his super fucked up childhood when she can’t even talk to Kate about losing her virginty without feeling awkward. Definitely weird.

      • Nicole L.

        I don’t think that was mentioned in the movie. Makes sense though.

    • JP

      While the flip phone thing is weird, if you’ve read the books she actually from Montesano, WA and has never lived in GA so she wouldn’t be paying out of state tuition. Also her wealthy roommate is footing the bill for the nice apartment so it’s really not that strange.

  • He does look like a cat! Which means you should love him?

    Yeah, I’m over the recent barrage of male characters that are overly intense and looking for a mousy submissive…

    • Amelia Diamond

      NO I ONLY LIKE CAT CATS

      • Hey screamy. That’s fair. No cat is as over-affectionate as this cat. cat.

    • Millarca

      I’m a cat person and that could explain why I like Jamie. But I’d never thought he looked like a cat. Till now, and now I’ll never be able to put that idea out of my mind. Incidentally I liked him as a serial killer in “The Fall”, long before I found out he’d be in 50SoG, so I’ll admit I went into this totally biased in his favour, and very worried he’d be embarrassingly awful in this since the source material was so cringe-worthy. He was only a little embarrassing, and in a very cute, cat-like way.

      The absence of toothbrush use was funny, since the use of toothbrushes – or, rather, a toothbrush – was a big thing in the book.

  • Emily Love

    hahah! agreed on #7 having watched him play an actual serial killer in The Fall, he is forever cemented in my mind as such

    • Kelsey Moody

      YES SAME HERE!! And you can totally hear his accent come through every now and again, the over annunciation UK actors bring to the American accent is hilarious

      • Amelia Diamond

        IS THAT how we sound when we (americans) try to do british accents? we probably sound worse. you guys let’s all just keep our accents as-is, except for me when I’m doing my Mid-Atlantic or LV Lockjaw.

      • CiaraG

        He is Irish.

      • I suspect it would have been better if they let him keep his real accent. Maybe the whole butt plug contract thing would be more likely?

  • Chloe

    I love this. I also love that your biggest qualms are about his inappropriate abercrombie & fitch usage and interior design issues. Everything I’ve seen posted about this movie has been overly sensitive.
    PS unless he has a twin sister named Christina, which I wouldn’t put past the writer, there is a typo in #7

    • Amelia Diamond

      Christian and Christina is the BEST combination of names in a Mid-Atlantic Accent.

  • Marie

    I have no intention of seeing this movie or reading the books. Your review is hilarious, and I feel I would have noticed the same annoyingly odd details. Even without having read the books or seeing the movie, I feel the intention or message (if there is one) is poorly executed and in the end, it is just another tierd portrayal of male dominence and female submission. Nothing new or positive.

    • Very Ron Swanson-esque 🙂

    • Amelia Diamond

      I think the message is ~*~*love*~*~*

  • Stephanie

    Oh this timing is perfect! I just saw the movie last night with a couple of coworkers. Sadly we could only round up 3 ladies willing to publicly admit to seeing the movie. Here are my thoughts:
    – it wasn’t as graphic as I was expecting, it was solidly an R rating. I wasn’t watching it thinking “I can’t believe this isn’t NC-17”
    – once you pull the sex out of the story, you’re left with what in my opinion is a weak love story. That’s about what the movie was, a weak love story.
    – I frequently confuse details about 50 Shades with details from Twilight.
    – I didn’t really find it weird that she worked in a hardware store, I worked at Target during college, and the library- so I guess I see your point.
    – I was also totally confused by the flip phone. Christian had an iphone- what year did those come out?
    – Washington State University is pretty far from Seattle, so I guess that would be a bit of a surprise if you were going there on a date.
    – How do you land a glider? I don’t understand.

    • Amelia Diamond

      girl. I don’t know how to land a glider either. (also I thought about this: the first iPhone I ever saw in person was in 2008! but what model was he using??)

      • Stephanie

        Good point. If we assume it was an original iphone then it would also explain the A&F jeans. It doesn’t explain why they just didn’t zip this movie forward a few years and set it in present day. Wait. I just had a revelation. He kept wanting to email her, but her computer was broken. If she had an iphone then that whole component of the story falls apart. Am I over-thinking this???

    • Twinkletoes

      The two are easily confused because 50 shades started as twilight fan fiction. Kinda hilarious.
      http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifty_Shades_of_Grey

  • Kelsey Moody

    The flip phone. That had me hung up the entire movie. Never read the books so maybe theres an interesting background story there? Maybe its required for someone who works at a mom and pop hardware store to not own a smart phone? Is it because she’s a virgin who can’t drive (or drives the world worst cliche of a girly/innocent car)?

    Mr Feline-Groovy (Amelia, you nailed it, he really looks like a Cat’s cat) was a “submissive” to his mom’s friend at 15?!! Can we talk about this?! Wildly inappropriate!! They STILL talk?!!!

    Also, after her first time in his little shop of horrors/velvet-lined stable of ridding crops, he has to carry her out?? Wtf happened in there? Why did it take to the LAST scene of him beating her for Ana to be like “nahhh nvm getting FLOGGED hurts”? Wasnt this happening from the start?? Youre surprised?

    That being said, I was into it! The acting was just terrible, plain awful, but thats the all part of the show (that and smuggling into the theater a few screw top two buck chucks from TJs)

    • Amelia Diamond

      Oh yea, I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m buying my ticket for the midnight screening of the 2nd movie, also with my TBCs in tow. I didn’t him carrying her out was THAT WEIRD because…sometimes people fall asleep after orgasms. But then usually you wake up when someone whose jeans smell like A&F FIERCE picks up up and you’re like, is this a muscular seal that’s carrying me or did my bed just get waxed?

      (i truly, honestly, cannot get into the casual mention of how he was a submissive at age 15 for his mom’s friend because it’s just too fucked up!!!!!!)

      • Lauren

        Christian being a submissive at 15 years old is definitely very fucked up. You don’t really get the full explanation of why and how things went down until the last half of the 3rd book. I definitely do not agree with it and the thought of it makes me pretty ill, but it gives you insight into how fucked up Christian’s childhood had made him. Also, *spoiler*, but he cuts off contact and ends his business relationship with her in the 2nd book because Ana (and his mom after she finds out) dispises her and she’s a nut job.

        I have yet to see the movie so I’m just speaking in reference to the books.

        • Amelia Diamond

          Question: when he says “his mom’s friend” does that mean his real mom who was a crack head, right? or his adopted mom aka the fantastic Marcia Gay Harden?

          • Lauren

            His mom aka the fantastic Marcia Gay Harden. I still can’t get over Christian’s use of “crack whore” when referring to his birth mother. I don’t know how he would be able to say that over and over again with a straight face. The dialogue the characters use is what irks me the most. Like who talks like that? But anyway, yes, it’s Dr. Grey’s friend that he’s a submissive for at 15. Do they not mention her in the movie? Her name was Elena Lincoln in the book, but Ana called her Mrs. Robinson. In the end, Christian sees how wrong the whole “relationship” was.. Thank God.

          • Kelsey Moody

            IN THE END he sees how wrong the relationship with his moms friend is? IN THE END?? Thats reckless, Christian, and makes me questions your decisions as a businessman

          • Lauren

            Yes, not until book 3 does Christian realize how wrong it was. But there’s a reason why (SPOILER) and it’s because Ana’s pregnant and only after being put in the position of a parent does it make him feel uncomfortable and wrong.

          • Amelia Diamond

            I feel like the writer named her characters a la Jan Brady with George Glass by just looking around her and going:

            “Christian…gray sweater over there needs to be washed..gray! Let’s spell it the British way though. Ana…huh, who left my Steele Roses album out? Anna Steele! Ok now we need to name Xian’s Dom… umm.. Elena… Oh! A penny! Lincoln! Elena Lincoln!

      • omg. the muscular seal. hahahahahhahahahaha

    • Aubrey Green

      Amelia and I were just talking about the Submissive at 15 (in a previous post, not in person, cause we’re only internet friends, not like, real life friends…sadly) – I can’t get over it either and there’s way to much to say there. Also the JUST realizing about the pain and sex room, huh?! Maybe because she was virgin, so she was just curious and in reality, she used him – wouldn’t that be a plot twist, or is that even a plot twist, since that is kind of what happened. Regardless, I feel exactly as you do.

  • I haven’t read the books or seen the movie, but your review was enjoyable to read! They should definitely be brushing their teeth after throwing up. Ick.

    http://www.FashionSnag.com

    • Amelia Diamond

      THANK you. Get some gum at LEAST.

  • Kirby

    I have not read the book or seen the movie, but my roommate just recently finished reading it after three days with her face stuck in and expression I can only explain as bewildered disgust. With that and all of the terrible things I have heard–and read, thank you–about the book and its motion picture counterpart, I am just glad that I did not waste my time or money on anything 50 shades

  • Christina

    THANK YOU for giving this look into the film/book. I have absolutely no desire to read or watch it, but I really enjoy all the discussion and commentary. Thank you for saying exactly what I (a person who is familiar with both pornography, BDSM, and who is also an esthetician who does Brazilian waxing..so not much phases me) confirming this: “it’s weird.”

  • LOLing at the “he didn’t say the Bahamas!” . Didn’t read the books, probably won’t see the movie because I only watch movies/shows I have already seen. As a fun fact about things I HAVE seen in my life: there is a total MOM CAR that drives around my work’s neighborhood with a “Laters Baby” bumper sticker, complete with a handcuff decal. VOM.COM. I find it funny the people that would pay to see this for the sex stuff… porn is free and the story lines are probably better.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Christian Grey is one of those people who has ONE JOKE and then repeats it to death. “Laters Baby” is his one joke.

      • SO you’re saying CG dad jokes all day? Ew, imagine him as a father. Do they end up having children?

        • Amelia Diamond

          No he doesn’t dad joke because it’s his ONLY joke. He’s one of those guys who just isn’t funny. I don’t want to spoiler alert up in this shit but apparently – CLOSE YOUR EYES GUYS! they sure do!

          • FEEL SO BAD FOR THE NANNY THEY TAKE ON VACATIONS

    • Millarca

      There is a porn version of 50S0G out there which I would recommend instead of the movie to anyone who wants to see the movie for the porn. I thought I’d hit the jackpot when I found it, thinking I’d found an early release of the movie, and it was quite a shock, I tell ya.

  • parkzark

    I read maybe 40 pages of the book and wanted to gouge my eyes out. Effing bad. A co-worker had the nerve to say Fifty Shades was better written than Gone Girl, SCUSE ME NO.

    And see the image below for your cat comparison Amelia.

    • Amelia Diamond

      I knew it.

  • Gina
    • Amelia Diamond

      ahahahahha

  • Alejandra

    I read 1/5th of the book spring break 2011? or was it 2012? I don’t remeber but I do remember thinking the book seemed old, not something written post 2010(was it even written post 2010?).. and i watched the movie because fomo and felt the same way about it.. I also thought it was creepy and sad. BTW at my high school we had a CATS skit and he would of totally been the lead role..

  • Caroline D. Gomez Lassalle

    I feel like my comments here have been rants in a support group but here goes another one. Thank you for this piece Amelia!

    I went to see this movie with my mom, aunt, younger cousin and sister so things started off awkward before the movie even began. Besides the obvious sociopathic tendencies of one Mr. Grey and the unjustified obsession and arousal of Steele, the worst thing about the movie was the sex.
    Throughout the entire movie I was either laughing or embarrassed for everyone involved in the experience. I am so tired of this idealisation of the virginal figure looked at by the powerful man that changes his way in the presence of virtue. This is a narrative that is overused and pathetic by this point.
    You see these characters you barely even get to know and understand in this superficial film that’s about sex toys. Anastasia as a young virgin gives herself to this “alluring” stranger that represents power and wealth and this is basically the only thing she falls in love with. I’m not trying to write a dissertation on the movie or anything but it was so painful to watch. The girl never seemed like she had any real sexual awakening during the film.

    The BDSM was used as fluff or something and it was poorly executed. She only allowed any of it to happen it to please him and I didn’t appreciate that. I know the movie has been compared to “Secretary” because of the subject matter but I love Secretary because in it the female character is properly developed. It shows her actual sexual desires in a much more honest way; in which she is not a passive participant but a woman understanding her sexual desires and embracing them.

    Why can’t you make love by fucking hard?

    • Amelia Diamond

      All I kept thinking was, “I hope he does not have herpes.”

    • Millarca

      In the movie I got the impression she fancied him and liked the idea of having it off with him but thought he was a bit ridiculous and only went along with it because it was a bit exciting and she didn’t have anything better to do. I was disappointed she didn’t slap him when he got angry about her being miffed when he essentially stole her car and sold it, and that she didn’t and let him slap her instead. Yeah, that pissed me off, but otherwise I thought she thought it was all a bit of an experiment and only called it off when the reality of what he wanted hit her – literally – at the end.

      And now I’m really looking forward to seeing Secretary, ‘cos I’m read a lot about it lately and it sounds really good.

  • This is hilarious and all the reasons I didn’t like the movie but couldn’t figure out why! haha

    Rosie http://www.rosiemay.co.nz

  • Sara

    if you do venture to read the book again, let me recommend a drinking game while doing so. though being drunk may not help with the shitty writing.
    so whenever any of these occurs, take a sip of wine (i would say take a shot but then you would be dead by the end)
    – ana bits her lip
    – ana gasps
    – oh my or jeez are used
    – eyes widened
    – a butt plug is referenced (this doesnt happen more than once but still think its funny she doesnt know what a butt plug is- pretty self explanatory there)
    – finally- this is more of a personal one- anytime you wonder how this couldve possibly gotten published.

    • Amelia Diamond

      the fucking lip thing.

      • Sara

        I can’t. I think she does it to get his attention. and of all things that stirs him up the most? hm.
        She also probably has to constantly be reapplying chapstick or shes got some real chapped lips.

  • Liz

    I’m sorry, I just can’t agree with this. No cat is that annoying.

  • I haven’t read the books, but, as u have, I’m going to see the film with some friends. I wans’t sure at all of it, but now, after reading this, I’m gonna go, watch and laugh when these weird things appear on screen hahahaha

  • mollie blackwood

    I haven’t seen the movie and I couldn’t even make it through the sample on my Kindle (Lord knows those samples are never long enough) but I’m putting my faith in that this review is accurate. And the world is full of a bunch of freaky-deaks.

  • Marianne Ronsse

    LOL AT THIS REVIEW!
    but hey! Macklemore is from Seattle, so that’s a reason to be excited to go there, right?
    Also, about the “twilight nerd”-thing, I’ve read an analysis saying 50shades of grey first started as a fanfiction of Twilight, and that the characters of Christian and Ana are inspired by Edward and Bella…
    (I completely agree with the brushing your teeth issue, and that is frequently overlooked in most movies and tv-show, it’s like they wake up and immediately start french kissing like it’s all fresh)

    • Millarca

      And no-one ever has to rush straight to the bathroom for a wee in the movies or on TV.

  • rhiarhia

    Re: 8 & 9, it was 61° here in Seattle yesterday. We see your icy weather reports and just laugh and laugh.

    • Amelia Diamond

      damnnnn you

  • Sydney85

    The book was so ridiculous that I have no intentions of seeing the movie. I found myself laughing at the stupidity of the writing in this book. By the way when does Christian ever work? For being such a control freak and being supposedly successful he works very little. I cannot imagine any young woman needing or wanting the kind of sex that is in this book. First sex is amazing without the crazies.

  • I can’t unsee the cat thing now

  • betulkara

    There is a more painfull fact than she has flip phone!

    I read the book and haven’t watch movie yet. So I am not sure If they emphasise the fact that Christian Grey create an e-mail for her!

    How is this even possible? Most of the professors asks asseys via e-mail now.

    So check this out: http://www.yourtango.com/2015251910/17-dumbest-most-disturbing-moments-50-shades-grey

    • Amelia Diamond

      the whole email thing!!!!!

  • Sara Shabtai

    I’ve got to have my say about #8: doesn’t it remind you of The Bachelor when Mackenzie (The one with the son named Kale who has no idea what organic alfalfa is) said “OMG! The lake? This is my favorite place in the world!” (or something to that effect).
    Also, I had a similar experience in how I was introduced to reading the books. My roommate in college was reading them and bugging out about how inappropriate it was (welcome to a religious girls college) and I said “nah it can’t be that bad!” so I took the book, had my roommates sit around, and I read it out loud in a southern turned Israeli accent. It was epic.

  • Glow On

    haha! I have been wondering about the flip phone too? I mean doesn’t everyone get free upgrades every 2-3 years? She needs to switch phone companies ASAP

    http://www.getchaglowon.com

  • Georgina Vives

    I recently read the writer started this whole thing inspired by Twilight , imagining sex between characters Edward and Bella. Creepy. She apparently joined an online fanpage that was 100% about these sexual fantasies. I will look for the link.

    • Amelia Diamond

      good for her though for raking in the $$$$$

  • Ok kids I don’t want you all to get up in my grill when I say that I did read the books and it is possible that I actually enjoyed them and possible too that I may have forgotten I actually had 3 kids whilst reading them but the movie was a big fat disappointment. A bit like one of those b movies that only make the TV. But here’s the thing…
    1. They made it funny and cringey. If it’s going to be dark and fucked up- then make the movie dark and fucked up like 9 1/2 weeks or dangerous liaisons.
    2. Cat man looks way better as a serial killer with a beard. Without it you just notice his one eye is bigger than the other and his walk is well weird.not to mention the fluffy hair. I mean seriously.

    All your points are valid especially ‘Seattle’.

    Lastly one positive. I saw female pubic hair! The bush is back.

    Laters!

    • Amelia Diamond

      The bush IS back! I loved that!

      • Thank. I mean if everyone goes laser crazy when the fashion is for full on beards again those kids selling merkins are going to billionaires 🙂 lol

    • Aubrey Green

      I agree with the beard thing!!

      • And one eye bigger than the other….surely everyone noticed that!!!?!

  • I mean a sexy cat though..

    http://tostylewithlove.com/

    Daphne

  • Hereshoping Themayanswereright

    Zero interest in watching dysfunctional people getting it on with all their sad props.

  • Kiara Sharde

    I thought it was weird/gross that they had sex right after her jog!

  • Jennifer Perez Lorente

    Hi, so…the flip phone is actually not that old….you could probably find it on Best Buy for $20 which goes back to the point that she doesn’t have a lot of money. I read all the books…and therefore I probably did enjoy the movie more than other people that didn’t. I agree that without reading the book…its kind of a weak story. Personally I hated the end…because I just felt that the movie was just about the sex parts, and I feel like the movie ended with the first book, and it makes me think that there must be probably other movies, specially since the ending was meant to be a happy one. I personally think that the acting was good, however i didn’t really like the way they did the movie since there is no real introduction to the characters and the relationship between them. And when talking about the books, even when i read all three of them….I still find the writing skills were very poor and at a certain point the sexual scenes details became very repetitive

  • Marjorie Gavan

    My real problem with this book is how it romanticizes abuse. I read the first book and couldn’t for the life of me understand why people are going gaga over it. Then I talked to an acquaintance who actually wants it for the romance. I was like, really? Romance? What are you 13 years old? And this acquaintance of mine is a married woman, in her late 30s, and a solid fan of Twilight. I really don’t want to judge people but in cases like this, I couldn’t help it.

  • Marie ElZoghbi

    After seeing this movie with friends, we basically spent the next few hours discussing the movie. The verdict was, it was creepy as hell how he was constantly treating her like a child! If someone tried buckling me in, I would say “excuse me, I am an adult, I think I got this”. Telling her what she can and cannot eat was weird, and when he told her “lets get you cleaned up” it felt like he was telling his daughter to wash up before dinner.
    P.S. I have spent the past few days trying to say “butt plugs” and “anal fisting” without laughing. I have failed every time.

  • I refuse to watch it or read it mostly from this article but also cause I’ve heard some other flaws from other people too…

    I’m also forming my opinion on the whole BDSM vs domestic violence.

    average adventures

  • so what phone did he have, i’m curious…

  • the book was a lot better than the movie, it was so so short..

    xxxx

    http://www.dominiquecandido.com

  • pterridactyl

    A colleague of mine went to see it last night and proclaimed this morning that Christian Grey reminded her of the notorious English serial killer, Fred West.

    • Lorena

      Well, Jamie Dornan did an interview where himself compared Grey’s character to the serial killer he plays in the northern irish TV series The Fall….

  • Eline Dekyvere

    Am I the only one that was thoroughly creeped out by the book? I only read the first book & I’m convinced that Ana should have died at the end of the first book & this should have been marketed as a (badly written) erotic book or something. Mr Grey just scares me. That & the sex scenes had me laughing really hard, which I think wasn’t exactly the point of them…

  • In the middle of the movie I got up to go pee, and that sweet release was, for me, the best part of the film

  • Christina

    Omg, I love this article. SO true about the flip phone and the hardware store. It’s seriously weird!

    fashioneclectic.bloggerdelight.dk

  • Daniella

    I think that you have to look at 50 Shades more metaphorically to understand these choices. If you look at it as an‬ acute commentary on the state of Oligarchy in the US and how the wealthy lure the disenfranchised in to submission through the enticement of material goods all to keep them as their slaves then you can see that her job at the hardware store becomes emblematic of the blue collar working class. Her flip phone also serves to heighten the effect of their wealth disparity. The lack of taste in her bedroom embodies the dearth of concern the oligarchs have to the environment of the poor. JK. It was totally just a horrible- albeit entertaining…?- film. I mean really “crack whore”? And who drinks cosmos anymore, really?

  • xtyb

    Thank you for making the comparison to The Other Women because now I know I don’t have to see it unless it is the only thing on the airplane (which is how I ended up watching The Other Women and I started reading the safety card in the middle of that horrible movie)

  • Bianca

    When she goes to interview Christian she is amazed by the “OMG, tall buildings” of the city of Seattle. I believe she even gasps, looking up. Because, being close by the city, on campus, makes it totally plausible that she’s never, ever seen a building taller than 4 floors.

  • Allie Fasanella

    mwahahahah i love that your biggest problem was the lack of oral hygiene. You sound kinda like my mother. Can’t wait to see this shit storm of a film.

  • Allie Fasanella

    I read the books in high school with no shame. I actually would read them during class. The writing was honestly horrible though. So repetitive and absurd.

  • Kaleigh Fasanella

    so fucking great

  • Lorena

    This was SO bloody funny !

  • gabriela

    you are right Amelia!! that book is not literature, it´s just a crap!!!! It was a Twilight fan fiction book (that explains how awful the story is). However I think that it´s becoming popular because people do what other do, without realizing they are watching or reading mommy porn.

  • Mari Fester

    This is pretty accurate on all accounts. I am from Seattle though and must say I get pretty giddy every time I fly home from nyc. If you haven’t been there… go….

    • Amelia Diamond

      i haven’t been and you are so right, i should go!!! i only make fun of seattle with love.

  • YOU LITERALLY NAMED ALL OF THE THINGS I WAS THINKING WHEN I SAW IT AND THEN SOME!!!

    • Amelia Diamond

      I AM IN YOUR BRAIN ! SORRY ABOUT THAT

  • Dedektifhecit

    I think she started having pleasure pretty quick for a virgin. Where was the pain? Where was the uncomfortable moments she should have had during the first sex? And she seemed to have strong orgasms even when she was waiting her him with her hands tied. Plus, very powerful men like Grey usually have a desire to give the power to the partner in bed. Shortly, there were a lot of fictions were going on in the movie. We can let teens buy this immature imagination.

  • Ask Socratic

    This review makes me happy. People need to hop off the silly 50 shades of grey bandwagon already. I did not even bother watching it.

    http://www.thesocratic.net

  • littleblacksweats.com

    I could barely finish the first book (but I lie and say that I couldn’t possibly) and won’t embarrass myself any further by seeing the movie.

  • La_Foss

    I saw the movie because I knew it would be gloriously and incredibly awkward, and it more then delivered. I agree 100% with your assessment of Fifty Shades. But I would like to raise another point for your consideration: when Christian rolls up into her apartment unannounced and drinks all her wine. First of all, he’s always complaining about how she’s not eating enough and then he deprives her of a major food group by drinking all her wine?? Second point, he’s a stalker. In a slightly related note, we could have just named her Patty Hearst and called it a day.

  • there has been so much written about this story EVERYWHERE for the past year or two that i’ve been tempted to try reading it just to see what all the fuss is about, but then again part of me wants to resist buying into the hype for as long as possible………. ok im downloading a pdf of it now so i can critique it properly rather than throw shade at it from a distance

    here’s my opinion without reading the book or watching the movie: i have a problem with its romanticize of abuse. i’m not referring to the BDSM culture embedded in the story, rather the fact that Christian basically stalks ana, puts trackers in her phone…. the fact that this type of behaviour is illustrated as desirable is concerning.

    oh and the reason you’re drawing parallels between 50 shades/twilight is because the former actually started as a Twilight fan fiction haha!

    http://tcelfer.tumblr.com

  • HoBo

    (I hope my use of all capital letters isn’t off-putting, because they are intended to get your attention hoping you’ll read this. They are not intended to make you feel like I’m yelling at you. A little excited, maybe, but not yelling). THIS IS THE BEST, MOST WELL WRITTEN, HOW-DID-YOU-GET-INTO-MY-BRAIN-AND-WHY-WERE-YOU-ABLE-TO-COMMUNICATE-MY-THOUGHTS-ONLY-WAY-FUNNIER, WORK OF LITERARY ART I HAVE EVER READ. AND I HAVE A BA IN FREAKIN’ ENGLISH LITERATURE FROM THE PRESTIGIOUS IVY LEAGUE OF THE INLAND EMPIRE SCHOOL, CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY SAN BERNARDINO – SO I SHOULD KNOW.

  • HoBo

    And I meant this post is literary art, not the book. Which I have not read, due mostly to the fact that I found it very uncomfortable watching all of the old ass teachers aides at the elementary school I worked at carrying it around like it was a copy of Tom Sawyer. I mean, even I had the decency at 10 years old not to parade my copy of “Are you there God it’s me Margaret” around. Have some consideration and self-respect ladies, please. Because I really don’t want to picture you reading this book while laying in bed with a bag of salt and vinegar chips and your hand down your grey sweatpants. Eww.

  • I think the movie is extremely overrated. I enjoy watching a good movie.I’m that weird kind of person who emerges in the movie, that hates when someone ask to pause it because they need to pee (why didnt they go before it starts?). And being that kind of person I knew not to expect much from 50 shades of grey, but I should have lowered even more my expectation.

    But I confess that I too found it weird that she works in a hardware store and uses a flip-phone. Come on! She should have discount to buy a new one!

    xx
    Helô, from Vestido do dia

  • Lola

    I have this issue in general with all films etc- not brushing teeth in morning, girls not having to do the weird waddle to the bathroom post-sex, no reference to taking the pill/using a condom, no reference to waxes/shaving, and every girl/woman having an orgasm a couple of seconds after the guy puts his hand down her pants. What’s up with this??

  • Corey

    And everywhere she was, she never brought or carried a purse.

  • Natalie Rye

    How an earth do you think you can review anything in life when you clearly have the interlect of a fucking banana.
    This article is written almost as poorly as the novel itself.

    • Leandra Medine

      We prefer intellect of a grapefruit.

  • I didn’t see the movie and will not spend my money on that. Critics say the book is lousy written and the film even worse. It’s a soft porno and I prefer much more Cronemberg in M. Butterfly and Crash and other more pungent like Antichrist and Nynphomaniac from Lars von Trier.

  • OMG, this is the best review of the movie so far! I did read the books, haven’t seen the movie and will probably wait to stream it on Netflix when I am stuck in the next blizzard or something. Seems like people are taking the movie way too seriously, but I suppose that is just me. It’s a movie based on a romance novel. Not even a well-written one. Come on peeps, really?

  • Abu Nudnik

    Extremely funny little essay. I haven’t read the books and won’t. I can’t even get through a synopsis without going to sleep. And the movie? I assume the clips showed what they thought was good. It didn’t even look like a good TV show. I mean, visually.

    My favorite quips were Mid-Atlantic accent, tampon ad, looks like a cat. Wonderful!

  • kat

    ok, so i AM a fan of BDSM. though i don’t call it a lifestyle or engage in that kind of play/sex every single time i have sex. And I say all that to add to your comments = from a BDSM perspective, these books/movie are SOOOO inappropriately lacking consent, safety, risk aware types of behavior that are necessary in BDSM that even the community at large *yes, there is a BDSM community* is groaning-disgust together at the pure lack of research & the lack of care in putting just a few life saving details in … no. i have not read the books. i am going to see the movie today with a friend.

    I can tell you, if this interests you, there are others, many others, who would relate to You… though maybe not to these books, or movie.

    There is far hotter erotica out there re:BDSM. I am surprised to hear these novels are badly written also. Wonder why This Series took off?

    Anne Rice has written hot BDSM erotica. Why not check that out?!

    p.s. Anna Wintour carries a flip phone. why’s everyone acting like this is a big deal?

  • pinkiegurl13

    I’m only a third the way through the book and I haven’t seen the movie but I have a question for y’all; is anyone else disappointed that he can only seem to make her cum once maybe twice before he’s done? And then if he wants to go round 2 his balls seem to be able to magically recover in mere minutes and *boom* boner?

  • 50 Shades of Grey is just plain stupid, to say the least.

  • girlCarter

    I’m all for everyone having their own opinions but to me, there’s something very wrong with having so much to say about something without actually giving it a fair shot. Joke reading a part of the first book does not constitute reading the book, or books for that matter. By now, the excuse of it being poorly written is a tired cliche that does not afford one the right to jump on the lets bash Fifty bandwagon. Not to mention, suppressed BDSM fantasies are not a requisite for enjoying the story because despite what you may think, there actually is a story outside of the kink. I found this article unoriginal and quite arrogant but I suppose that’s just one woman’s opinion.

  • MJ

    Def a weird movie!!
    http://www.allinclusivegirl.com

  • Rosaly

    Is it weird if I hate the comparison of this film to Twilight?

  • The first piece I’m reading without referencing the BDSM bits & I’m so grateful for that !

  • Hahaha. Such. Valid. Points! And it was awkward. Not in the “nude body makes me uncomfortable” way, but the chemistry was just off.

    xxLauren
    http://ellekae.com

  • Francesca

    ‘He looks like a cat in Cats’ Hahahaa. Like you, I hadn’t really read the book(s) but I went to see the film (was dragged along by my sister). I really didn’t like it and do not understand how afterwards my sister and her friends were all “I wish I had a Mr Grey in my life”. Like, how superficial is that?!?! So he may be ‘hot’ but do you reeeaaally want a guy who’d treat you like he treats women? Weird.

    xo
    http://www.thisisfrancescarose.com

  • leonorjr

    I am so sad I missed the story time.

  • Adrienne

    Love the article, so hilarious!

    I’m not 50 Shades of Grey, I’m 50 Shades of Green: http://www.vanitysalad.com

  • Annie

    As a 50-something woman, married for 30-something years, I was hoping for some lessons in creativity from 50 Shades…you know erotica for the masses… but the sex was painful and the writing even more so…and that doesn’t really turn me on, know what I mean? I’m no snob, but I really would have been ashamed of myself if I had read more than a few chapters. So help me out girls, what’s out there that is sexy and fun and well written…? Call me old-fashioned, but I’d rather read it than watch it…

  • Lolo

    But I WOULD be excited about going to Seattle. I also liked the old Twilight series… I mean the Twilight Zone! The real stuff!

    That being said, this post is so funny!

  • Joseluis

    You put all my thoughts about this “phenomenon” into words! I have to be honest, I read the three books more than once – I’m a communications major so I was trying to use these books as a school project, but lost interest to be honest. And I get the whole “sexual awakening” thing, but you are right Amelia, it is poorly writen and to me, that’s just I haven’t seen the movie, I’m waiting for it to come out on dvd so I can rent it (the best way to watch it, I think). Thank you for this.

  • What was your point

    This review is shallower than the books. All irrelevant, every single one of these objections.

  • Lua Jane

    Late discovery of this literal gem, but better late than never. Anyways this article is probably all that should have ever been said and done about 50 Shades, including the book and the movie.

  • Rachel Herring

    This is the funniest shit ever. I read a chapter of the book and never saw the movie. I am so glad to have someone on my side. The whole thing is just funny/odd to me. Not sexy in the slightest. I am with you all the way, girl.

  • Noelia

    This article made me laugh so much!! Thank u! I havent even watched the movie but it is just so funny the things u picked up on, Christian Grey looks like a cat, amazing! Its so true!!! Thanks for the words, keep up the fun work! Xxx

  • Amelia this thing of yours abut brushing teeth before doing anything makes me wonder do you have a sink and a toothbrush by your bed? but really it’s your tell sign. the author talks about brushing teeth? 120% amelia