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Making the Case for a Beach Bag this Winter

There is only one.

01.13.15

Science has never attempted to prove the effects that a pom pom can have on seasonal depression, but in a recent study conducted by the Institute of Idiots in Noho, New York, a completely self-fabricated report that is absolved of anything factual has indicated a potential link between anti-depressants and festive beach bags, impressively suggesting that the latter can supersede the former and quell the negative side effects of a bleak winter with the almost-too-simple advent of woven straw, citing only two setbacks.

The first being that bag remains wide open and therefore subjects itself and its belongings to mutilation by snow or rain. Separately, the bag tends to not contain a strap, which therefore guarantees singular hand immobilization.

But the pros — climactic confusion for onlookers, the sort of satisfying disconnect that is only ever stricken by the hypocrisies of “good” style and perhaps most importantly: unfaltering hope that better days lay ahead — outweigh the cons to such a distinct degree that the cons suddenly don’t seem so unfavorable. (Considering, for example, that hand immobilization might finally prohibit you from texting while walking which will, no doubt, move your relationship with your mother from a state of strain to at least vaguely complacent.)

So consider this a call to action, ladies of the webbed foot. Remember your beach bag, appreciate your beach bag, use your beach bag. Allow Herman, the deli man, to joke about your apparent meteorologically-charged disorientation, and then pull from the depths of your weave a bottle of sunblock to throw at his head. One day, he will thank you. The entire Institute of Idiots of Noho will.

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