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The Thought Process of Waiting for a Text

Is there any other agony quite so great?

12.17.14
thought-process-of-waiting-for-a-text

“Hey!”

Nope. That doesn’t say “Hey!” It says “Heyt” because my phone’s a psychopath and I am a reckless sabotager of my own mental peace, but there’s no looking back once the word “delivered” punctuates that stupid, stupid text. Plus we’re two minutes past the sent time stamp and correcting my typo now would look excessive or desperate.

Wait, two minutes? I mean, that’s fine, he has a life.

I’m gonna put my phone away. I’m gonna put my phone away and go about my evening routine which at the moment consists of me brushing my teeth and checking my phone again. Still nothing.

It’s been seven minutes. Totally normal. Seven minutes is only two minutes after five minutes which means that even if takes three more minutes it’s only been ten minutes, and even if that turns into 15 minutes that’s okay because he might be finishing up a call or something.

17 minutes is torture though. At 17 minutes I’m pretty sure I must have said something weird over drinks. Think, think, think…what did I say that could make this person so averse to me that he did a 180 and has suddenly decided not to dignify my perfectly polite albeit misspelled salutation with the minimum, two-lettered “Hi”?

I’m putting my phone down. A watched pot never makes ramen noodles, as they say.

But an unwatched pot is guaranteed to bubble over and explode noodles everywhere. I learned from the book of life, not proverbs, and am therefore checking my phone.

Fine. I’m putting my phone down on the other side of the couch. Screen up, though — just in case. Normally I keep my volume on silent because the sound of a group chat is worse than a tree of egotistical birds at dawn, but I’ll make an exception for the sake of my mounting anxiety–

PING.

My eyes fly right and I catch, out of the corner of my pupil through my peripheral vision, a name that looks very similar in length to his floating across the screen. My heart starts listening to a Nicki Minaj song, that’s how fast it’s thumping. I lean over — it’s gotta be him, right? It’s been almost half an hour. DAD. Ugh. Not now–

PING!

Dad again.

PING!

“Dad stop texting me I am super busy!!!!!!!!”

Back to ignoring my phone. I’m watching all of these blissfully ignorant people on TV laugh and high five about how awesome their allergy medicine is. They are probably all in meaningful relationships with people who TEXT BACK–

Ping!

Peripheral eye check again. It looks like “Dad.” It’s not Dad. It’s him. AHHH. I can’t open it yet.

I run around for 10 minutes and do 100 important things: I brush my hair. I walk to my fridge. I throw a sock at my roommate. Etc.

Ok, I’m gonna open it.

He said, “Hey!”

…What the fuck does that mean?

Get more Postmodern Love ?
  • I can relate to this!

    http://www.FashionSnag.com

  • you just gave me so much anxiety

    • seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

      • Aydan

        sames! My heart started beating harder while reading this!

        • Amelia Diamond

          heheheh sorry. team struggle

  • Charlotte Fassler

    you have shown me the light. And by light, i mean that I am crazy.

  • hahah that’s so incredibly accurate!

    http://leconceptoffashion.com

  • AlexaJuno

    Hilarious and on point. The blinky notification light on my phone is downright hostile.

  • Gabbie

    It means he’s a dick and isn’t worth your time or anxiety.

  • Will deFries

    Mr. Read Receipts wholeheartedly approves of this dude’s chillin’-the-most attitude.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Ladies Love Read Receipts

      • Charlotte Fassler

        Ladies H8 read receipts.

  • parkzark

    hahahah the dad part is so good.

  • Anita

    you just said what everyone was thinking.

    x Anita

    http://vanillaelephant.blogspot.de/

  • The worst is showering. For some reason, even though a shower takes maybe 7 minutes, I think the whole world shifts during that time and when I return I’ll have 3 million texts and maybe a boyfriend. Coming back to a notification-less phone post shower is so heartbreaking.

  • its all in the word: anxiety nxiety xiety xeit xet tex text texting -> wake up america

    http://tcelfer.tumblr.com

    • Amelia Diamond

      omg

    • Rosaly

      this is pure gold

  • Celeste

    This is perfect

  • Lauren Ann Long

    I don’t text anyone else back until I get a text back from whoever it is that I’m waiting for. #sorrynotsorryforignoringyallfor3days

    • Amelia Diamond

      Hahaha I like this technique. Take ’em all down with you.

    • Lua Jane

      I do the same thing unconsciously. I swear I really am not even aware I’m doing while I am. I figure it later, after the waiting fever passes.

  • ping!

    This is just great 🙂

  • Lyric

    I always have the “Oh my god, my joke was so offensive. I totally misread our level of friendship and his understanding of sarcasm and now he thinks I’m an asshole”… 20 mins later “Lol.” Phew.

    • Amelia Diamond

      hahaha me too

  • Royal Wang

    Yes, this situation happened very often, but usually we get anxieties waiting some messages from some we-care persons, especially your boyfriend or girlfriend. And i feel sorry for this a lot of people did not reply us when the first moment your saw the lines we wrote because of they do not care or he just wanna finish his Masturbation first. You like so much desires to receive his words but finally just a “hey” like hey, i am busy to do my things and maybe just ignores your official message. Fuck him, her, they or others. I hate this, so rude and so Humiliating.

    http://www.fashionculturediary.blogspot.it/

  • Tracy

    Great post, I totally relate to it!

    http://fashion-soup.com/

  • Alice
  • Elmira Vatsni

    It was so funny and I remember my single years so well now, thanks to this post:)
    xo
    Elmira
    http://www.wellputtogetherstylebyelmira.com

  • Eduardo Rolo

    at least you menage to do not see it immediately, I’m the anxious see/answer kind of guy… It sucks to be nice.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Nooo it’s nicer this way. NO GAME PLAYING!

  • N.P

    What happened next? See, this is the problem with a “Hey(t)!” text (for either party), now there’s no explicit nor implicit question. There’s nothing to answer, and therefore no contractually mandated REPLY for neither party!!! It’s maddening. I end my texts with questions, “Hey, how’s the week going?”; “Hey, busy day?”; “Hey, heard argentinean accent and thought of you. Como estas?” …. ANYTHING but please REPLY…. IT’S AGONIZING!!!

    • Amelia Diamond

      I’m probably going to start texting this to everyone even though it doesn’t apply to anyone I know! “Hey, heard argentinean accent and thought of you. Como estas?”

      • N.P

        You totally should!

  • Lucy

    Amelia you clever genius.. thanks to you I have “found myself” at the ripe age of 24. Look no further than these brilliant words: I am a reckless sabotager of my own mental peace

  • gin

    hahahaha EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. gosh.

  • Jujubored

    haha I’m sooo glad that I’m not the only one that feels that way! I’m trying not to text because I’m not good with text-rejection but, maybe, that’s why I’m drinking too much.

  • Rosaly

    hhahahhahaa this is gold. I definitely felt the anxiety as I read this. Texting is such a hard game, May all of you be blessed with a reply no later than 5 minutes this holiday season.

  • My thought process is like a list of 99 things I could have done to make that person hate me, and that is why they are not responding quickly enough…

    http://tostylewithlove.com/

    Daphne

    • Amelia Diamond

      I usually assume they’re dead.

  • Ariana Estrello

    This is the struggle of our generation! However my personal favorite is when they start up a conversation, get you going & suddenly silence. What the heck bro? I think Taylor Swift was in the correct when she sang: “Boys only want love if it’s torture.” The moment you have made an inner vow to never text them again & to post a million flirty Instagram pictures with some random guy so they decide to send you: “Who’s that in the picture” text or my favorite: “You’re full of sh*t” text.

    • Amelia Diamond

      TRUTH.

  • NAILED IT.

  • Scarlett

    I’m sure it’s a bit worse, when you notice that they read the text, then take about 30 mins to respond with a vague “hey” no exclamation point nor any enthusiasm of any kind…
    You can tell I’ve been through this a lot…

  • Guest

    the worst

  • cogitate10

    haha relate much. mine was maybe my text didnt reach him sort of thing haha

    same thing happens, whenever i wait for his reply my father would txt me.

  • Maui

    What’s worse is that they initiate the communication but takes forever to send their less than enthusiastic response to your very much well thought of reply. Then they get upset when you give them one word text. Like, wtf.

  • Neuter

    There’s a thin line between love and heyt

  • Jackie Lee

    how ab waiting for likes on an ig pic!!

  • kduck

    I am reading this article in an attempt not to check my messages.

  • Ahh, have we all been here or what!

  • beaker

    Google voice! No dots

  • Haha Spot on!

  • Sophie

    I relate to this on so many levels, and it hurts. I feel like I’m perpetuating the millennial stereotype by admitting it, though!!!! Agh!!!!