It’s Hard to Be Lazy

Amelia Diamond | December 29, 2014

But I Manage

colin-dodgson-lazy-days-oyster-mag

I once declared my sweeping job “good enough” after I broke a vase. I’d collected the big chunks and the easier-to-see shards sparkling in the kitchen’s overhead light and was fully aware that a more thorough person would take a damp sponge to the floor, then Swiffer, wipe, rinse, repeat, alert the national guard, and sweep again. But because I operate on a unique degree of lazy, I told my roommate to avoid the kitchen, mandated a week-long shoes-on policy, and called it a day.

Being this lazy is exhausting. Completing menial tasks feels like a dedicated effort. Sometimes I think I should get paid for breathing.

Where “lazy” typically conjures up images of Homer Simpson — lounging on the couch in his underwear, head paralyzed toward the television, remote in hand, beer perched atop his gluttonous belly, my reality is that I can’t be bothered.

With anything.

Four years in the same apartment and I still don’t know how to switch from cable to Apple TV. If the screen is off, I let it be. If I’m truly desperate I text my roommate a picture of the situation, and he either writes back with instructions (that I ignore) or comes running. God bless his nimble feet: he’s helped me avoid a missed-show-emergency more than once. (Though many nights I just find myself watching the wall.)

At the office I am a different story. I spring to life, I’m efficient. Socially, I’m busy. Physically, I’m active. On Saturdays I’m up by 9 AM and when it comes to hygiene, I routinely brush my hair. However, while I’m someone who showers if I feel even slightly un-fresh, the process of getting myself into water requires inspirational talking-tos with the affected persona of a sports psychiatrist. “Be your own Nike,” I repeat. “Just do it.”

Putting myself to bed is such a production that I typically procrastinate until I fall asleep standing up.

I rarely shop online because there are too many steps; if something arrives that doesn’t fit, I’ll never return it. If I think I can make it from the car to my apartment with all the groceries in one trip — even if the law of physics says I definitely should not — I attempt it. (Fallen produce, we had a good run. I salute you.)

There are days when logging into Seamless feels as arduous as filling my own molars with sand. The thought of calling a restaurant and then possibly having to repeat myself — not to mention performing the accompanying act of locating cash or my credit card — seems so laborious that I often give up on eating altogether and nap instead.

…Which is exactly what I think I’ll go do now. Nap, that is; but I’m feeling kind of lazy.

Image shot by Colin Dodgson for Oyster Magazine

Sounds like you’re still in cahoots with your BFF, BED.

  • Kelsey Moody

    im sure this was really good but i could only read half….too lazy

    • Yami Sen

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    • Amelia Diamond

      same

      • Samantha Callighen

        sameee!!

  • Chelsea Murphy

    Placing a glass in the dishwasher instead of on the counter is the most difficult thing I aaaalmost do every day. So hard. What IS that?!

  • Royal Wang

    everyone could be lazy in different situation, sometimes we choose to be lazy on purpose , those usually for something we do not care things, but for things catching our attentions or interests, we will not be lazy , for you just like writing pieces, you enjoy it and you are active to do it instead of being lazy.

    http://www.fashionculturediary.blogspot.it/

  • Brandy the Dog

    I’m really really good at putting lists of things I have to do, but really really lazy about doing them!

    • Same. I’m such a great list maker. Achieving the tasks is another dilemma. Have a great rest of 2014. :] // ▲ itsCarmen.com ▲

      • Brandy the Dog

        …and a great 2015 to you!!! I hope you can accomplish all your “goals”, “chores” and “responsibilities” on your lists. I am going to attempt to do the same. I’m making up a new one right now! GOOD LUCK!

  • If a bill or ticket can’t be paid for online, I won’t pay for it… Or I let it reach triple its amount before giving in. you would think I was a Rockefeller with the mount of $20 parking tickets I let rise to $100+

  • parkzark

    I keep a pack of cokes by my bed so I don’t have to walk to the fridge for them.

    • parkzark

      I also choose to drink them warm.

    • Amelia Diamond

      i keep warm water bottles by my bed because i’d rather die of thirst than get up in the middle of the night

      • Lua Jane

        OMG Same! Helps with the hangover too. Not sure exactly why, but frequent hydration during night makes it less awful in the morning(who am I kidding)/noon.

  • I was actually happy that I had to work today (vs having off until Jan 5th) for this reason. It takes significantly more effort to motivate myself to do something as mundane as picking up a shirt off the floor if I’m not required to be somewhere

    http://onsecondavenue.com

  • God you made me so tired just reading this. Like, my bones ache. Such is the power of Amelia Diamond’s writing. The distant, romantic notion of being super lazy has always appealed to me, but it sounds like it’s significantly harder than it looks.

    • Amelia Diamond

      zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz <-hard 2 type

  • I like to shower too, but the actual process of getting in there….takes so long…because I know when I get out I will be cold and wet and my hair will take forever to dry.

    http://www.FashionSnag.com

    • Amelia Diamond

      THE WET HAIR. I KNOW.

  • Esty Turner

    For me its the eternal struggle of whether to eat something that is healthy but takes even the slightest bit more effort to prepare or something that is ready to eat in five seconds or less so I just end up watching Netflix for 5 hours and eating bowl of cereal.

    • Amelia Diamond

      I am so there.

  • J. Otwell

    literally dying… “you want me to wrap these presents? With what? My arms?!?!”

  • Being lazy can be exhausting… I testify!

    http://tostylewithlove.com

    Daphne

  • Destine Jeff

    Hola

  • Destine Jeff

    Te necesito mi amor
    Parasiempre con una niña

  • Hermy

    As far as lazy goes my worst ( and I guess most difficult) offense is not getting dressed in the morning. It’s why most of the time I wear sweats instead.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Anytime I’m in workout clothes I just couldn’t handle real pants

    • Krystal Smith

      Me too. When I actually have to go somewhere I realize that I have nothing to wear aka try to talk myself out of going because the thought of putting denim on is excruciating.

      • Hence why I live in bf jeans !

  • I am being so lazy today…

    http://www.modeography.com/

  • Meg Joong

    The worst is living with your parents and having them not believe that you are not a monster outside of the house and having them constantly worry about your social/professional well being.

    Amelia – adding the part about being a hyper-efficient work addict really resonates with me because it is SO onpoint! It’s as if so much energy exerted on the outside world you really just want to pass out at home.

    I get what you are saying sister. I also wish I could find a roomate to share this kinship with, or that living solo was financially feasible so I could live in a truly judgement-free zone…

    • Amelia Diamond

      hahahaha

  • Lua Jane

    I am the same, except I’m no social bee or super efficient at work either unless it’s a deadline when I kind of switch on. But I suppose I’m capable of switching on, just because I know the limit of it, and duration of time in which I have to be active and living, and then I can go back to my normal lifeless self. I am literally too lazy for aything. The part of falling asleep standing up, or in my case sitting resonated with me so much, because yes I’m too lazy to drag my self to bed. I’m lazy to go out meet my friends and more often then not I’ll just invite them to come over, because that means I don’t have to change from my Dude Lebowski look of bath robe and pajama pants, or put on make up. Even my choice of food is decided by my lack of desire to engage, so I prefer food that is easiest to eat which means candies and whatever an average six years old prefers. I honestly thought of my self as the most deplorable creature but after reading the article and comments section, I know I’m not the only one.

    • Amelia Diamond

      you’re among lazy friends here

  • Amalie

    I guess I’m too lazy to write something good in the comment x.

    http://jeansandmacaroons.blogspot.com

  • Such a cool post!

    Love from http://www.trangscorner.com
    – a lifestyle, cooking, fashion blog

  • andrea raymer

    I hate eating any kind of chicken on the bone because it takes way too much effort. I once said that it is the 21st century and we should be able to breed boneless chickens, then I realized how inhumane that sounded.

    • Amelia Diamond

      ugh BONES

      • andrea raymer

        The. Worst.

  • I salute you for being strong enough to type not one, not two but ten whole paragraphs! An inspiration to lazy people everywhere.

    http://tcelfer.tumblr.com

  • Pamela Duque

    I always read all Man Repeller posts and always have an opinion but I never comment just because i’m too lazy to write, it is just easier to go to the next article. But with this one I totally relate, had to comment! by the way had to sign up first, uhggg almost gave up.

    • Amelia Diamond

      you did it!! i am proud. when i accidentally sign out of disqus it’s like the world ends.

  • Allie Fasanella

    ja feel

  • This is my life! I sleep in and still take a nap later on.

  • Krystal Smith

    This is why I only own one pair of shoes that have laces.

  • Carolina

    Same here. I have so many clothes in my closet waiting to be return… But as I bought them on internet that will never happen, I just put them appart and stay there forever. Too lazy.

  • Scarlett

    Procrastination is an art that I have mastered. Or more like PhD status. That is why I will never make it as a Personal Trainer. I would say “YOU CAN DO IT!…later”

  • CK

    YES! Thank you. I’m not alone. Just the “around the house”-kind of laziness is exactly me. Getting in the shower – such a hassle (and cold!). Eating something ambitious – ha! Cleaning up… dont even get me started. And the worst – ironing clothes. No freakin way. How I manage to still be a hygenic, fresh, person with a succesful job and a loving bf I honestly have no idea. It’s a mystery. Too lazy to figure it out tho.

  • Guest

    This sounds almost exactly like me, but I was diagnosed with depression and told extreme laziness is basically a symptom. Maybe it’s the same for you (maybe – obviously I don’t know anything about you but I’m just throwing it out there)

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  • Mo

    I was so happy when my hairdresser told me I was washing my hair too much and should cut back – sweet relief! For a lazy gal, showers are heaps easier if you don’t have to wet your head. Falling asleep standing up is on point…brushing teeth and washing your face are exhaauuusting.

  • Mariana

    This is an accurate description of my life, thank you. I’m too lazy to put it in words