We Tried the J.Crew Model Diet

The Writers | December 19, 2014

We didn’t eat them we just dressed like them

When L.L. Bean stopped sending their Christmas catalogue to my apartment after an anonymous complaint was filed against me for repeatedly calling to inquire about the telephone numbers and whereabouts of their various male models, The J.Crew catalogue took its place.

Turning its pages is like opening a singing card at CVS. Only, instead of a homogenized rendition of “Shake Ya Tail Feather,” (or something), Bing Crosby’s greatest hits waft through the air like a perfume strip in a lady’s magazine. I had to be a part of it. And I couldn’t do it without my partner in No-One-Thinks-That’s-Funny-Except-You ideas, Leandra, so together, we tried the J.Crew diet.

Guidelines: attempt to look like a J.Crew catalogue model.

Finding an outfit in my own wardrobe was easy, and I learned that a true J.Crew model can never have too many layers. I also learned this means a J.Crew model must have inactive sweat glands, which I think is not only civilized, but the next big thing after eyelash extensions and shin-lengthening procedures.

Preparing the area above my neck was another story. My usual morning routine consists of waking up and then complaining about it. On J.Crew day, however, I woke up half an hour earlier than usual to do my makeup so that it would look like I was wearing zero makeup. I also spent a painstaking amount of time pulling wisps of hair from my ponytail, which made me wonder if this wasn’t better suited for the tiny hands of an obsessive compulsive hamster.

Here’s what I learned: I must look like a slob more often than I thought. Numerous people said things to me like, “Whoa, where are you going after work?” Where would I be going after work in a turtleneck under a denim shirt under a button down, tucked into a skirt, with a sweater tied around my waist? A parent teacher conference in Antarctica?

I also learned that putting effort into my appearance didn’t really take that much effort, that no one notices if you’re wearing a skirt with unshaved legs until you tell them about it, and jumping up and down instead of walking forward does wonders to your complexion, calves, and mood. Being a J.Crew model is fun, and fun/making the most of your restraining order is what the holiday season is about.

-Amelia Diamond

o1Cmbt on Make A Gif, Animated Gifs

Amelia is an asshole, this diet was technically my idea but I understand that a good idea is only as impressive as its execution, of which I nearly did not execute at all. I forgot we were doing this diet, though happened to plod into work on J.Crew Day in a turtleneck from the anterior layered under a collar-less button down with medium wash, mid-rise stiff jeans and a pair of Golden Goose sneakers that probably were New Balance or Nike just a month ago. Then when I noticed the organized chaos manifesting north of Amelia’s pimply forehead, I thought to myself, self, you make a great male J.Crew store manager. And then you know what happened?

Keith, our UPS deliverer of dreams, came into the office to find me leaning over a Momofuku birthday cake and without prompting said, “Girl, why are you dressed like a J.Crew manager?”

Moral of the story: Jenna Lyons and her legion of adroit stylists have such a clear sense of what both their men and women look like and have subsequently, successfully created a lifestyle that so accurately matches the aesthetic, it is almost, if not entirely, impossible not to spot an inspired soul in the wild.

-Leandra Medine

  • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

    “My usual morning routine consists of waking up and complaining about it” so perfect. You gals are funny/adorbz. The slide 2 pose looks like you are a pair of 6-year-old sisters who went through mom and dad’s closet, put on all of their clothes, and then came downstairs like, “moOoOOM, LooOOk!!”

    • Kelsey Moody

      my fave line too! tooooo funniii

      you know how cute small dainty girls are ALWAYS cold? this diet would work wonders for them. my overactive sweat glands and fear of turtleneck strangulation would suffocate me and cause a panic attack. you gurls make it look easy 😉

  • me

    “I also spent a painstaking amount of time pulling wisps of hair from my ponytail, which made me wonder if this wasn’t better suited for the tiny hands of an obsessive compulsive hamster.”

    Rodent slander ~!!

    • Amelia Diamond

      Sorry hamster community!!!

  • me

    “Where would I be going…in a turtleneck under a denim shirt under a button down, tucked into a skirt, with a sweater tied around my waist? A parent teacher conference in Antarctica?”

    HAH, so true !

    I adore the JCrew winter catalog layered looks & I could easily imagine dressing like that when outside. But, as far as indoors, where else could you pull it off besides the inside of a meat freezer ?

  • Sarah

    You guys should try the Wes Anderson diet. (it’s really good for you)

    • Aydan

      Yes yes yes! I call Suzy and her crazy cool blue eye shadow!

    • Amelia Diamond

      This is an AMAZING idea.

      • Krista Anna Lewis

        PLEASE DO IT

    • Charlotte Fassler

      I am SO into this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Kandeel

      YES YES YES

  • http://www.fashionsnag.com/ Fashion Snag

    Keith had the perfect response! UPS drivers always know.

    http://www.FashionSnag.com

  • Lulu

    You guys are so silly!! Haha!!
    Amelia, be careful jumping around on the cobble stone street in those pumps! Sorry, I had a “mom” moment…

    • Amelia Diamond

      I broke those heels once during fashion week! It made me walk so cool.

      • Lulu

        Pimp walk!
        PSA: One of the most dangerous places in the world for heels is the Meatpacking District!

  • Meg Joong

    I clicked on this expecting to read an article about kale salads with photos of girls looking fabulous while laughing and eating salads. Was pleasantly surprised to find be disproven in typical MR fashion.

    Question: How many layers does it take to make elbows unuseable?

    • Leandra Medine

      Totally depends on weight of layers. For me, right now, two are impairing my ability to bend

  • ladyelkhorn

    What camel coat are you wearing??

    • Amelia Diamond

      Zara! Old Zara.

  • Esty Turner

    AMELIA LOOKS GORGEOUS. Also I’m fo sho trying the Wes Anderson diet (specifically using Rushmore as the starting point then working my way through the other films.)

  • http://www.yourestillfat.com/ You’re Still Fat

    you guys are like those sunglasses they sell at walgreens that are like “compare to chanel” but really they’re $9 and made of plastic shards. But you look JUST LIKE CHANEL (JCREW)! feel me?

  • http://tostylewithlove.com/ Daphne Blunt

    AMAZING!! I need that red turtle neck!

    http://tostylewithlove.com/

    Daphne

  • amg

    What about the insane combinations of patterns that if a mere mortal such as myself were to wear in public there would be quite a few quizzical looks —- it’s not whimsical in reality….it’s just plain ugly

  • Lua Jane

    U guys are the best! I check Man Repeller few times a day for my daily dose of brilliant.

  • Krista Anna Lewis

    I’m v v confused as to why Jenna hasn’t tapped you guys for the catalog yet.

  • Elly

    Those jeans!!!! Where from??

  • http://rebekaann.blogspot.com Rebeka Osborne

    Amelia, you are hilarious. You ladies look so on point, love it!

  • starryhye

    LOL ” a turtleneck under a denim shirt under a button down, tucked into a skirt, with a sweater tied around my waist.” Reading this made me claustrophobic and itchy!

  • Kate

    Leandra I gotta know who makes those jeans they’re perfect

  • Kandeel

    These pictures look like they belong on the ameezysqueezy instagram or a real j.crew lookbook…your choice

  • TRACYBURTON

    “Moral of the story: Jenna Lyons and her legion of adroit stylists have such a clear sense of what both their men and women look like and have subsequently, successfully created a lifestyle that so accurately matches the aesthetic…” just like in the 1990s when you could spot a “Gapper” a mile away…..Jenna + Mickey matured.

  • The Fashion Horn

    Wow! Total success! You are actually the epitome of cool! When I grow up can I be a man repeller too? Shit, I’m thirty one………..eek!

  • Emily

    Love this! I am a dedicated j. crew shopper, but it seems nearly impossible to actually look like the models. Their hair is always perfectly out-of-place, and it just isn’t fair!

    Emily

    http://adorableandaffordable.weebly.com/

  • http://www.orrblog.net/ Oroma Roxella Rukevwe

    You both look great!

    O.R.R.

  • nhattra

    Amelia, you look so beautiful!! What mascara were you wearing?? Your lashes are to die for!

    • Amelia Diamond

      That is so nice of you!! I was wearing NARS Larger Than Life lengthening mascara. Normally I put mascara at the base of my lashes and wiggle all the way up, but since i was trying to look like I had nothing on I just did the tips to make them longer.

  • Emily

    “Here’s what I learned: I must look like a slob more often than I thought.” I adore you. http://meowemily.blogspot.com

  • http://www.adriannagrezak.com Adrianna

    I love that you’re on first name basis with your UPS delivery man

    Amelia, we have the same blue polka dot J Crew button down!!

    Also, I would love for you guys to outline your workday or week one day. I have a mental image of you two hopping on Crosby street while people pass by on the way to work

    http://onsecondavenue.com

  • http://dietandgoodhealth.com Katie Bautch

    Plexus Slim and Plexus Boost are 100% natural with a 60 day money back guarantee. Visit http://dietandgoodhealth.com

  • Shreya
  • Jamila Mindingall

    Hahaha @ “Whoa, where are you going after work?” Where would I be going
    after work in a turtleneck under a denim shirt under a button down,
    tucked into a skirt, with a sweater tied around my waist? A parent
    teacher conference in Antarctica? LOL… I was taking a much needed mental break and stumbled on this blog! Clearly the best find thus far for 2015. Leandra you must NEVER leave blog-central!

  • http://www.closetcurator.com Closet Curator

    Amelia’s post made me laugh out loud. Thanks Amelia. It is excellent to laugh out loud on a Monday. So funny!

  • lydiasugarman

    If the shirt is collarless, it cannot also be a button-down. duh.

    • Kristin Schmidt

      ? Of course it can. See white shirt above on Leandra.

      • lydiasugarman

        No, Button-down refers to a button-down collar where the collar points are buttoned to the shirt. If there’s no fucking collar, it cannot be a button-down. Just because they called it a button-down, doesn’t make it a button-down.