Ho-ho-horoscopes

Horoscopes are like snowflakes: each one is unique and tastes like chicken

12.04.14
manrepeller_saggitarius-december-horoscopes-astrology

This month is gonna rule, guys. (Except that Susan Miller doesn’t want anyone to travel on December 24th, bla bla bla, just listen to her and be thankful you’re not the one trying to make a bunch of reindeer fly in no-service zones with shoddy GPS signals.) Ready?

Sagittarius

Happy Birthday to you, sweet Sagittarius. I know the holidays can feel super annoying because you’re like, “Hey guys, I was born this month too, you know.” Well guess what, eggnog head plus Leandra? Now you can feel extra special because — according to the One and Only Susan Miller — “for the first time since 1985 to 1988, Saturn will tour Sagittarius.” Your birthday this year is practically historic! What does that mean, though?

Well, Suzanna says that whatever you accomplish with Saturn stays with you for a lifetime. Work hard now and start achieving your dreams, because you’re in the sweet spot to do so. You may pop out a baby! (Not in the “OMG WHAT IS THIS THING?” sense but like, if you’ve been trying, it could happen now, and babies DEFINITELY stay with you a lifetime.) Or, you might do a lot of other cool stuff like become an astronaut or a human bagel. Saturn pushes you hard, and you may not actually see the benefits until 2017. This is sort of confusing because I think kids are less cute at age 2 than they are as hot-potatoes, but when it’s your own kid you’re probably way more excited about a baby that can run around than one who makes you hold his head up all the time. Babies are divas, huh?

And if you’re not into all this baby talk, Susan basically says this whole month’s going to be awesome and that on December 12-13, you’ll have “great fun and enjoy a touch of luxury.” Sounds like caviar and cheese sticks to me!

Capricorn

Apparently Saturn in Scorpio’s been holding your friendships hostage like a big freaky cult leader, but all of that is going to change. Turn your phone’s ringer on silent, because all of those who moved to Antarctica or were in a coma or whatever it is that friends are doing when they can’t hang out are going to come back into your life and start blowing you up (in a good way!), and the reason I suggest you turn your phone on silent is so that you’re not the pinging asshole at a meeting or in the theater.

You’re gonna spend a lot of money this month (probably because all your friends are coming back and friendship is the most expensive shoe that money can buy). That’s okay because A) who isn’t and B) you’re also going to get some good news that comes out of nowhere, like a pimple filled with glitter. Speaking of glitter! On New Year’s Eve, $uz writes, “the transiting moon will be in Taurus, lighting your house of love and romance. Now THIS is a New Year’s to celebrate!”

Aquarius 

Don’t click here if you hate fun! Now let’s focus: “Your ruling planet Uranus will be a virtual chatty Cathy,” writes You Know Who (hint: Susan Miller), “meeting here and there and everywhere with a number of other planets and stirring up surprises, opportunities, and breakthroughs.” Sounds like you’re going to be living la vida Boca Raton this month, to me.

Apparently today, December 4th, is supposed to be great for you, and Susan thinks you should hop town now for a long weekend getaway. (She mentions a ski resort but I hold ground re: Boca.) This weekend will also be a time for romance, which means if you’re metaphorically or legally hitched, cool, and if you’re single as a Pringle then get the hell out of the house and find an ugly sweater party STAT. Nothing says, “Wanna make out for the rest of our lives?” quite like one giant cable knit with two neck holes.

Pisces 

Apple Pie-sces, great news. Dollar-sign-for-an-S-usan says that December will be the most important month you’ve had/will have all year, since Saturn will leave your ninth house on Dec 23 and “release you from the tension you have faced since October 2012.” I wonder if you’ll meet a very handsome masseuse.

I also wonder if you’re feeling rather rich today, because apparently you’re supposed to come into some money on this very day of December 4th. I recently Christopher Columbus’d a fantastic not-new-show called Downton Abbey and personally keep waiting for a 12th-removed-cousin of mine to die (RIP) and then make me an heir, hold the -ess. I’m a Taurus not a Pisces so this is looking far more likely plausible for you than I. Say! Would you like to form a legal bond of some sort?

Aries 

I’ve gone 4 whole signs without making a butt joke and I’d be utterly remiss if I went any further. You don’t mind, do you? Tomorrow, December 5th, the full moon in Gemini will receive a happy beam from Uranus — talk about a TGIF #AMIRIGHT. (There will also be a beam from Jupiter but Jupiter means nothing to me as far as innuendos go.) Aside from the implications I just mentioned, this will be a romantic time for you per Susan the Planetsmith Miller. (Note that this type of moon-related prediction can actually span four days plus or minus the day it appears, so really, Uranus is going to be beaming up all kind of sparkly shit until what, the 10th?)

It’s a really good time to travel, and also, a great time for bargains! If I were you — and I just might be, although you wouldn’t know it because I’m super stealth when I possess someone — I would get my little fingers going and log on to all those websites that have fun commercials about cheap flights, and then go somewhere awesome. On a brainier note, “Anything having to do with your quest for higher education or research will do well for you.” Hit the books and you’ll reach the stars! That’s what I always say!

I’m not drunk.

Taurus 

We can kind of write our own stories, really, once Susan has given us the guidelines of the stars’ intentions, and so with that, because Taurus is my sign, allow me to take some creative liberties. Because this month is looking to bode extremely well in the way of new jobs, promotions, offers, winks, hints, grand career achievements and under the table notes that say things like, “Hey come work for me I’ll make you a billionaire!,” yadda yadda, you fellow Taurusii will likely land your dream job and I, because I work at Man Repeller and can’t leave, will probably just have to deal with accepting a Lordship or something as a side job.

She also notes that we’ll be very charismatic this month (what else is new) and recommends her usual tips about getting blowouts and beard trims and whatnot. Like we have to be told twice to pay a stranger to wash our hair, Susan.

We’re going to be busy, pretty, and just the right amount of champagne fizzy this December, fellow bull riders. I’ll bring the chaps, you bring the cowboy hats and let’s hang on until the weekend.

*See concluding sentence of Aries.

Gemini

Re: the concluding sentences of both Taurus and Aries, I may be lying, which means I in no way feel like being a downer so I’ll just get out with this quickly and then on to the fun stuff: December 15th looks like it’s going to be a really annoying day regarding money and health. You might be tempted to loan money to a friend (don’t) and you might need surgery (here’s hoping it’s only on your American Girl Doll who you still sleep with and she just needs a new head or something). If it’s not, just trust your doctor. Susan says you’ll be fine.

After the 15th, however, it’s looking like rain-down-money-city for you, so I picture your life to look a lot like the snapchat filter on Wall Street, which is so festive.

“If you celebrate Christmas,” writes Susan, “you will have fun on this day. The moon will be in Aquarius – perfect for you – and there is likely to be some sort of electronic wrapped up under the tree with your name on it. Yay!” And if you don’t, writes Amelia, then you will probably still have fun on this day because no one will bother you on email and maybe it will snow and you can jump around like a Labrador with your tongue out and cry things like, “Good golly Miss Molly, is it cold!”

Cancer

Guess what, sugar crab? December’s a cute month for you. You may get a rai$e (the roof, am I right?), or if you’ve been negotiating for better health insurance, vacation days, legroom etc, you’ll get it. “These aspects are as rare as diamonds,” writes the Suz, and she couldn’t be more correct.

“Wait! There’s more!” she continues. (I am but her messenger.) On December 5, Mercury will “create a trine to Uranus in your tenth house of fame, so clearly, in December you will be batting one home run right after another. December 5 would be the day to make a presentation or sales pitch to a top client. You are likely to be articulate, authoritative, and persuasive, and with Uranus, the planet of unexpected developments, supportive to Mercury, ruling news, you may have something to celebrate soon!”

Good lord she doesn’t stop with you this month, does she? December 20th is going to be another great time for you as far as a vibrating Uranus goes, which means good things in terms of you becoming famous or getting good grades or shaking it like a salt shaker (tbt).

“Uranus will give the month a spicy, fun, unexpected tone, and it will be one you will enjoy.” Sounds like you can eat all the Indian food you want this month, Cancer.

Leo

Obviously Susan opens up your sign by signing your praises because she’s obsessed with Leos: “As a Leo, you love the social side of life. You are sophisticated, with refined taste and quick wit. You also are gregarious, have a great sense of humor, and tend to be well read, and that makes you a great conversationalist. It’s easy to see that you would be an asset at any gathering. It looks like you will be invited to a marvelous holiday party over the full moon as the month opens, on December 6, plus or minus four days.”

Maybe she buttered you up because she was getting ready to parlay into another point: that she thinks this month is going to be all about fitness for you. Snooze. (Tip: Don’t Instagram it.) Maybe you want to wear a see-through sparkly dress a la Rihanna-at-the-CFDAs that one time and need to be in tip top post-Thanksgiving shape, though, I don’t know. Or maybe by fitness she means…fitness pants, which translates to stretch-city USA, if you ask me. And you did.

To conclude this babbling brook:

“New Year’s Eve brings the transiting moon to Taurus, so you may be ringing in the New Year socializing with executives you know from work, or, because Uranus will be bursting with energy, you may instead ring in the New Year from distant shores.”

Virgo

“From now on,” writes Susan, “and continuing for the lion’s share of the coming three years (the only exception being…June 14 to September 17, 2015), you will be focused on your home.” This means you might be getting serious about buying a house (wanna buy me one too, please?) or decorating (see Libra’s sign below, maybe you two can accompany $uz so she stops bugging me about it).

Because of Saturn being annoying in regards to “sacrifice” so that you “concentrate on a goal” (like no video games or something?) you may take it easy on the Seamless to save money. Although maybe that’s for the best. “I just read a statistic that was a bit scary,” writes Susan or Leandra, I can’t be sure on this one: “When any of us eat out, we eat an average of 200 more calories than we would have consumed at home, and this was true with every meal. I bet that number is on the low side, considering how much excess butter, oil, and cream is added to the average restaurant dish.” Ugh. HEALH. This is not the month for it, mom.

Just kidding Susan and Leandra! I meant: Yay! Health!

As for some truly good news: your love life is going to be all up in the damn flames of heavenly hugs. Swipe right, swipe right, swipe right.

Libra 

Ok don’t panic. You may be hosting guests at your house at some point during the holiday season. I pray for your sanity that they do not overstay their welcome, that they make their beds and respect shower schedules. Susan also hints that you may be in search of the perfect piece of furniture, because it’s not a Susan Miller Horoscope without her in some way hinting that she would like someone to accompany her to either Home Depot or West Elm. Why she can’t just go alone, I do not know, Libra. I do not know.

Sounds like the 6th may bring a trip for you — a rather spontaneous one — all because Uranus is at a twerking angle which will shower you with surprises. She thinks you might even go to New York (come say hi!) or Paris or you know, something casual, like Gstaad.

The same full moon that got Uranus all hopped up on Beyoncé’s “7/11” may have other treasures for you as well, says Susan, although I must admit I’m paraphrasing just a little in terms of Bey. You’ll be wrapping up a lot of stuff up this month: work things, presents, mummies, which must be such a nice, satisfying feeling. Before you go, though! Apparently 2 days ago was a really serious day for love for your sign. Since I didn’t get a text from you, please holla at your girl in the comments below and confirm or deny.

Scorpio

As for you, my Scorpion Queens, this will be an amazing month for your career. You’re going to come into money, have a party, go to a hoedown and feel divine. And guess what else you’ll do? TRAVEL. (Just not on December 24th because Susan is telling everyone to avoid this day.) Why travel though, other than the fact that you probably have cabin fever in your own city and going somewhere new is an excuse to pretend your credit card bill doesn’t actually exist? Because romance will be linked to it. Per our girl: “Venus will go into Capricorn, a sign that blends well with yours, on December 10, and remain there until January 3.” Sounds like someone is going to have a holiday hook up.

A very, very important note on said travel: bring your cell phone, and make sure your data plan/international services are good to go. Your career is on fire this month, and you may just get a certain email from someone who is trying very hard to reach you to tell you that you’ve either just been chosen to appear on the upcoming season of Game of Thrones Meets the Bachelor or, more notably: “it could be the job of your dreams.”

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej <3

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  • haint

    I think you may have published an incomplete draft of this story. It says, “Virgo, Libra, Scorpio” with no text at the bottom, just FYI.

    • Amelia Diamond

      ARGH it was scheduled for an early time!!! MY ABSOLUTE BAD. All should be updated now though!

  • Phew, glad to be a Taurus this month (and I suppose all months, it’s endearing to whether storms) — could use a little wink, or hint, or nod. In what capacity, TBD, but in the dregs that is finals season, it’d be nice to reap the benefits of hard work and determination. Hard work does not always pay off, but I guess that makes it all the more special when it does.

  • joan

    Boca Raton

  • Looking forward to that raise Amelia =)

    http://www.FashionSnag.com

  • parkzark

    Virgo got a blank space baby and she’ll write my name.

  • Lulu

    Oh man, a holiday party on a full moon…Ggggrrrreat! Thanks
    Laughing at “Uranus will be bursting with energy” though! LOL!

    • Kelsey Moody

      That was my only take away from Leo too!!! Perhaps Our-Anuses will be bursting with energy from too much dairy from the cheese platters at these fabulous parties? Cheers, my lion friend!

      • Lulu

        Diarrhea will be my excuse for missing some holiday parties this year! Its in the stars!
        Roarrrr!! Hahaha!

        • gross

          omg hahahaha

        • The thing about diarrhea-as-missed-party-excuse is that no one has the place (or stomach) to contest it. A gem of an excuse, I would imagine!

          • Amelia Diamond

            This excuse is Professional Status when it comes to party skipping. Mono works too though!

  • Quinn Halman

    Amelia, you are the stars in my sky, best one yet for reasons that require a wink (have the house to myself on the romance days) and a cry (I have so much work I puked due to stress earlier on)

  • EB20

    Boca AND tacky sweater parties all rolled into one?! I’m in!! Love seeing this every month. I don’t seem to crack up at other horoscopes like I do yours, Amelia!

    • Amelia Diamond

      Without Boca, grandmas would have nowhere to move to and leave their tacky sweaters behind

  • Emily

    I’m an Aquarius and apparently today the 4th would be a crazy good day. Not so accurate. http://meowemily.blogspot.com

    • Amelia Diamond

      The 4th isn’t over yet!

  • Hahahaa, worked for me! Virgo, and im completely focused on a goal, and redecorating my home!

    xx
    Helô, from Vestido do dia

  • lavieenliz

    Susan is onto something…Leo’s are kind of awesome!

    http://hashtagliz.com

  • Andres Poiche
    • Amelia Diamond

      rawr

  • 2 days ago was indeed a very important day for love or whatever.. THIS IS SO TRUE. OMG.
    PS. Am I the only one who reads ALL the horoscopes, not just their own sign?

  • Lua Jane

    You are Taurus! I should have known! All that brilliance. 🙂

    • Amelia Diamond

      Mighty might TAURUS! (to quote “Bring It On.”) what are you??

      • Lua Jane

        I’m a Taurus too. 😀 But all the jokes aside I do found other fellow Tauruses to be super interesting individuals.

  • Uhm, Susan predicted an impromptu trip to Switzerland on the 6th, which is the day I land in Geneva for a weekend getaway that was totally unplanned and last minute. I am spooked.

    • Amelia Diamond

      creeeepy

  • Vittoria

    Amelia, my horoscope (Aquarius) made me almost pee my pants. I’m supposed to be a professional. Stop making me laugh so hard.

  • loulee

    Wait, wait. Libra here. Leaving the 6th, to NYC. Pwwwhhhaaat! Suz, you omnipotent minx! As far as the love day thing, a couple days ago my 1yr old son gave me a kiss instead of pushing my face away and yelling “NO!” so I’m gonna go ahead and count that.

    • Amelia Diamond

      that’s the best kind of love!

  • Rosaly

    “the transiting moon will be in Taurus, lighting your house of love and romance. Now THIS is a New Year’s to celebrate!” YAAAS IM SO READY! but i dont think I can handle the phrase “glitter filled pimple” um……. lol