What Your Coffee Order Says About You

Image via Harpers Bazaar UK
Sophie Milrom | November 14, 2014

More accurate than a Myers Briggs test

A Sophie Milrom & Amelia Diamond brain-collaboration, with Charlotte Fassler on the illustration kick drum. 

  • She requests almond milk, but upon finding out that this particular cafe (presumably NOT in Brooklyn, NY or Venice, CA) offers only soy as its non-dairy option, decides that she has changed her mind and would rather subject herself to a caffeine-withdrawal migraine than stand one second longer in an establishment that probably doesn't use locally farmed apples in its muffins, either. Unclear as to whether or not it's a legitimate intolerance to lactose.
  • She orders a regular drip coffee -- black, then decides to make it a café au lait, which then becomes a latte, and by the time she's completed her order she's just purchased a Venti Mocha Vanilla Frappuccino with a caramel swirl..."but hold the whip."
  • Speaking of Frappuccinos, The Poser orders the strawberry variety, or something that includes the word "peaches and cream," or any other highlighter-colored beverage that in no way whatsoever involves caffeine or coffee. She means well -- maybe her friends all wanted lattes and she was just being a good sport, but to the line of addicts behind her shaking because they haven't had their fix of the bean, she is the enemy. She should have gone to Wendy's if she wanted a Frosty.
  • "I'll have a skim latte...actually make that a cappuccino, LOL I'm so Italian. Becky, aren't I so Italian? Wait! Can I have an iced green tea instead? And a scone. Or no, kidding, a black coffee with a little bit of soy. Iced! An iced coffee. Actually--"

    Ah, the poor Panic Button girl. Overwhelmed by limitless options (coffee blends, milk varieties, various flavor and topping combinations, not to mention size), she needs a sedative more than a cup of joe by the time she's paid for her drink. No matter what she gets, or how many times she modifies her order, she always questions her decision at the milk and sugar station and lives in perpetual doubt and caffeinated regret.
  • She wants to know where the coffee beans are sourced from, and on occasion will inquire into the name of the coffee bean farm's owner, the beans' genetic history and what the weather was on the day this particular batch was harvested. Always eager to be ripped off, she wouldn't trust a venue that charged under $3 per cup. She would rather drink tar than instant coffee, and may or may not choose her apartments based on their proximity to one of her 5 approved spots. Best question to ask her on or off the red carpet: who are you drinking? And never, ever, admit out loud that her annoying coffee recommendation you didn't ask for was 100% on point.
  • The antithesis to The Snob, The Dad Brew girl rolls her eyes at anyone who claims they can tell the difference between blends. She's sick of hearing people compare coffee brands in earnest as though they were discussing truly important matters, like literature or Rihanna versus Beyoncé. Instead, she takes great pride in getting her $1 coffee from the dude on the corner in his portable cart, and flaunts her Anthora cup as though she were the one who came up with the original design. She's no amateur though: while brew-clout's irrelevant, her coffee has to be piping hot.
  • She takes her coffee black -- like her soul -- and refuses sugar. She's either part Snob and "respects the bean," or needs something to occupy the hand that isn't holding her 8 AM cigarette. Her jeans are ripped, her dialogue is esoteric, and she stands on the subway, even if there's an available seat.
  • She buys her coffee where she buys everything else -- the bodega. Does it matter that the "hazelnut" coffee tastes like peanut water, or that the scooper for the communal cooler of ice has been handled by at least a dozen people within the last 10 minutes? Hell no! Convenience is a luxury, and nothing says convenient like being able to buy coffee, tampons, condoms and string cheese all in one place.
  • She drinks iced coffee year round, even when she's on a winter ski trip in Colorado. You've heard her say that it has something to do with keeping her teeth white, but the same girl curiously slurps down wine as though she's biting into an apple. Hot coffee drinkers look at The Snowman as though she's not a "real" coffee drinker, but you've seen her take in black sans Splenda. Good enough.
  • Always Be Cleansing: she'll invite you for coffee, but then order a hot water with lemon. That's your cue to order a chocolate croissant.
  • Image via Harpers Bazaar UK
  • Kayla Tanenbaum

    If your coffee order is sneaking a can of diet coke into a cafe while everyone glares at you, you are my soul sister. Hit me up.

    • Shelby Soke

      DC 4lyfe

      • Amelia Diamond

        You know you’re a diet coke drinker when you call it “DC.”

        • Kayla Tanenbaum

          you know you’re a dc drinker when you try to stop for one week in for an article and you have tremors and headaches

          • Quinn Halman

            WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE??

          • Jamie Leland

            If I didn’t have concerns about the contents of diet coke before, I definitely do now.

    • Haha DC is my go-to to combat exhaustion! The other day I spent almost an hour in dazed pursuit of some, and almost cried when I found an aptly labelled ‘Buddy’ bottle. I prefer to think of it as magical (rather than disturbing) that a bev with so many Xs, Ys and codes in the ingredient list can have zero calories 🙂

      http://elodiedoesoxford.com/2014/11/10/too-tired-to-think-of-a-witty-post-title/

  • who is the girl that orders drip only, then makes it “light and sweet”?

    i drink my coffee like dessert.

    • Amelia Diamond

      You’re theeeeee…. Coffee Initiation drinker. I feel like that’s how my grandparents (yes) got me to start drinking coffee.

      • i compensate quitting the cigarettes to making my coffee that much more enjoyable. and my hips that much wider.

    • ihavenobones

      That’s the “baby coffee” and it’s perfectly acceptable. Black coffee with a pound of sugar is the “methadone coffee” which is less so.

      • THAT’S WHAT I’VE ALWAYS CALLED IT. sorry, i got very excited there.

  • Quinn Halman

    I’m the monkey see monkey do. Walks with Mom always ended at Starbucks and her ordering the same latte. Some days I’ll try to be adventurous but then I look at the calorie count and I get the grandenonfatnofoamonesplendalatte. I associate that order with my childhood and why I am not 5’7

    • I feel you re: height. Convinced the only reason I am not 5’10” (had expectations to be said height) is because I took sips of my parents’ coffee in the morning. Also blamed caffeine consumption on my beginning to menstruate at 13 and not 15. Totally illogical, but I was determined to be nothing short of 5’10.” I have a complex with height, and occasional sips of coffee are all to blame, obviously.

      (Still pains me that my mom is taller than I am, aghhhhhh)

  • My parents are coffee snobs but it’s less about the quality of coffee (although it is very much about that too) and more about community and business model. If they HAVE to drink coffee from a non-independent coffee shop, then the go-to is Peets. I think I’ve been in a Starbucks only a handful of times with my folks — as a place to pee on road trips.

  • parkzark

    I’m the “half and half or bust” gal

    • I like that about you.

    • Amelia Diamond

      I seriously wish I could drink this stuff (truly lactose intolerant) because everyone says that coffee with half and half is like a milkshake. I drink mine black.

  • andrea raymer

    I’m the “I’ll get a hot chocolate” girl. I don’t particularly like coffee and I usually get a panic attack if I do drink it. I will occasionally drink a latte if I am really in need of some caffeine because espresso seems to affect me differently.

    Overall I am more of a tea drinker, but most places only have Lipton, which, no. So I usually just make my tea myself because I can’t trust that it won’t be shit if I let anyone else make it.

    • Amelia Diamond

      are you a tea snob andrea ! (i wish i was)

      • andrea raymer

        Yes, I think I am. at least about black tea. PG Tips is all I will drink.

    • Jamie Leland

      Espresso probably affects you differently because even though it has a higher concentration of caffeine, a shot (or two) of espresso has a lot less caffeine than a cup of coffee.

      • Amelia Diamond

        I can drink espresso and go to BED.

    • Ellen B

      Andrea, are you British by any chance? You sound exactly like my lovely British colleague Chris. She refuses to drink any tea that isn’t prepared by her and imported from England….

      • andrea raymer

        Nope, But that is the best compliment anyone has ever given me, ever. Thanks.

    • I like tea and coffee equally but just got some amazing lapsang souchong (smoky!) recently from the Bryant Park Market (Miss Tea). It’s a gorgeous tea – robust and tastes like you’re having tea by a fire.

  • So I turn out to be The New Yorker – sans cigarettes, sans ripped jeans. Sans New York … Hmmmm … where did I read that one before …

    • Amelia Diamond

      hahaha. i’m also the black coffee, no sugar, no milk, no ripped jeans, no cig

    • DITTO!! & great reference!

    • Dominique Harris

      Ditto, but I’ll admit to the ripped jeans…

  • sugar_magn0lia

    Hemp milk girl, signing on!

    • My absolute favorite pair of overalls is made of Hemp. All about the hemp. A true “Super Seed.”

      • WHERE did you get the hemp overalls from!!!!????

        • From a thrift store but there are a lot of clothing stores that specialize in hemp and soy clothing!

          • Any brand indication on said overalls? I’ll be scouring the internet later, fur sure. Also, every time I see a Ziggy Marley product (which isn’t often), I crack up.

          • Unfortunately I left the overalls in Calif., so I can’t do a name check. I certainly will though when I go back or, you know, ask my mother to take a look.

          • yah kthnxs.

            Just kidding!!! Whatever is easy, no worries, was just wondering.

        • Also, SO comfortable. And warm.

      • Amelia Diamond

        wut

    • Amelia Diamond

      what does that taste like??

  • Black like my soul all day long. Sans cig. And if it’s ethically sourced, bonus points. I think I might be a little bit of a hybrid.

  • lavieenliz

    omg this is hilarious

    giveaway on my blog!

    http://hashtagliz.com

  • I just moved to Seattle, where the coffee-snobbery is strong…very strong. However, the lines outside Starbucks in the morning are also long…very long.

    My coffee style is so boring – medium roast, some kind of non-milk (real milk makes me intolerable to be around), and splenda. More often than not it’s also made at home, because I don’t have time for lines at Starbucks, or snobs inquiring about the origins of their beans anywhere else!

  • Tara Jayne

    This might be so horrible, but the other day my co-worker and I stopped at Starbucks for a coffee. I got my usually skinny grande latte (that I add Splenda to, very boring). When we walked out I said “you know, I think I just realized what I love about Starbucks”. “Oh? Share”. “I think it’s because it makes me feel better than other people”.

    I think the girl concerned with the genealogy of the bean is doing an even better job making herself feel better than other people.

    I think I aspire to be her one day.

    • Jamie Leland

      I will confirm that it does feel pretty good to know what coffees you like based on the countries they hail from and to have a preferred brewing method.

  • Jamie Leland

    My boyfriend has been a barista for ten years and he insists on drinking single origin beans. Because why would you ever drink BLENDS?!

    One another note, what would one call those who claim they can taste differences in espressos in their white mochas (other than delusional)?

  • Lulu

    Plain black coffee and a butt! Im not particular about what kind of coffee I drink it just has to be black and strong. I’m more of a snob about my cigarettes, I chose to roll my own.

  • Lauren Ann Long

    Black coffee with a itty bitty bit of vanilla is where it’s at. Also ice that year round, nothing to do with my teeth, I just like the caffeine to get into my body as fast as possible. No time for sipping.

  • Aydan

    Got an almond chai this morning and was judged by coffee snobs in a Seattle specialty coffee shop. Though they did have five alternatives to cows milk!

    • Amelia Diamond

      mm that sounds so good though

    • Liz

      I’m a chai latte person, also prefer almond milk. I am a chai snob though and I cannot stand when they make it out of a powdered concentrate.

  • hahah I am probably the poser, I look at any menu and just order whatever sounds the yummiest!

    http://tostylewithlove.com/

    Daphne

  • Dre

    black coffee is the best. I remember during one of my internships for this one stylist we sometimes had a lot of time on our hands so every hour was: going around the internet (thank you ManRepeller team for entertaining me in those times by the way), listening to music and being a total “new yorker” 🙂 (which is basically the same as a parisian I guess.. )

  • HAHAHAHA ! love this so much!

  • Ah! you caught me, I’m the gosh darn panic button! Sometimes. It is an excruciating process deciding what do get so usually I’m the New Yorker to give myself a break (sans cig). The panic button comes out when I’m in the mood for something less bleak and the coffee shop offers soy, almond, AND hemp milk. How am I to decide?!

  • Ingrid

    Latte or breve, sans flavor pump. Baristas everywhere are surprised that I say “no” when they ask if I want a flavor.
    I’ll just have coffee flavor, thanks.

  • Cinamaron

    I usually do a cold press, but if I am at Starbucks I get caramel macchiatos (w/an extra shot). I was a barista there for two years and I am STILL not over them, they are so good.

    If I’m at a local coffee shop with really good beans I’ll do black coffee or a lil’ cappuccino. I also love cappuccinos, but there’s definitely a difference between the kind of cappuccino you can get at a big coffee chain and what you get at a local place.

  • I’ve met all of these people and i’m pretty sure i’ve been them all at one point too. 😉 x

  • Raquel

    Can we get some almond milk up in here? (NYC?)

  • ihavenobones

    Dad Brew forever. I just need my fix, don’t need to be so fancy. It does need half and half, though. Don’t want heartburn. (I am a 65 year old man — jeez.)

  • Dependent on the day I’ll be a grand epitome of the Panic Button or a No Almond Milk, No Service Extremist; i.e. “oh god really? you don’t have almond milk?! ah that’s slightly annoying– thanks anyway” (note: not even allergic to milk)

    http://whitejulywear.blogspot.co.uk

  • Maybe it’s because I’m already an insomniac to begin with, but I can’t drink coffee. I can’t wrap my head around how people are “addicted” to it – I’m jittery and ready to sprint across my office after half a cup. I can’t fall asleep at night despite taking over-the-counter sleeping pills if I drink coffee past 10:30am.

    But if I do drink coffee, I really can’t tell the difference between a $4 Blue Bottle drip coffee and diner coffee. However, I’m an espresso snob.

  • LEE @ Modern Granola

    Love this. I’m the New Yorker without the cig. I used to be the panic button for sure, but then I chilled out and made my choice for life.

  • Jenna

    Haha brilliant! I am definitely an anti-starbucks and national coffee shop chains person! Power to the small businesses 🙂

    Jenna || Jennafifi.co.uk

  • I feel so contradicted because I love iced coffee but I get cold really easily. It’s a legitimate struggle.

    Lotti
    lottiosborne.com

  • Rosaly

    lmao lmao lmao the bodega! IM ON THE FLOOR DYING. I’ve never bought coffee at the bodega but I wouldn’t shoot down the idea either. I am a true latina

  • This is s.o. accurate. I normally go for a soy cappuccino. Because I know it’s good and because I have no idea about all this frappacappamoccaccinolattesyrupcortado stuff. This way I can avoid the panic button…

    http://www.LydiaWho.com

  • Definitely black, like my soul, like the color of 90% of the clothes in my wardrobe. NYC for life! But minus the cig…and I never sit on the subway even if it’s empty.

  • CarlotaLMorais

    I guess I’m Dad Brew all the way, I drink coffee at home, in any cafe, even in my UNI cafe where they serve coffee that tastes like its been burnt! I sometimes use almond milk, sometimes regular, with or without sugar. Or I betray my dear friend and drink some black tea with a dash of milk instead.

  • The aspirational dieter is the same girl as the donut

  • I’m just a coffee anywhere and anytime kind of chick, whether its from Starbucks or a small, local coffee shop. Sometimes black, sometimes a nonfat latte/cappuccino, sometimes an espresso…..coffee all day everyday!

    http://www.blushingbetta.com

  • This was hilarious! I admit to being a “New Yorker”, but I’d like to think my soul isn’t black! (though my statements on marriage being a joke and mostly meant to fail during a happy lunch conversation may prove otherwise).

  • Juliette

    Even though I live in NYC for a pretty long time, I’m NOT a new yorker, thank god!

  • I love these types of posts! Ones that consider coffee choices and what they represent. I’m the safety girl, only ever going with what I know!

    average adventures

  • Gina

    coffee snob + snowman = “is this cold brew?”

  • I don’t like to drink coffee because it makes me in constipation ;
    I drink only green tea .

  • BASIC:Za Penny aka Dark Energy

    Do you know about coffee mixes in packets (with their formulated ratios of coffee:sugar:cream)? Don’t be afraid. Of sugar of cream.
    http://www.hmart.com/images/product/l-mazelhazelnut100.jpg
    http://www.hmart.com/images/product/l-8801037050721.jpg

  • Andy

    there’s also the tourist – complaining about how the coffee is sub par in america!

  • Ha! This is so great. Coming from a place where coffee definitely matters I’m kind of a coffee snob…. I hate to admit it.
    xo
    styleontheside.com

  • silkandsneakers

    a wise bartender once told me, “i take my coffee like i take my women… full of booze”

    awesome post! had me cracking up.

  • Melisa Leon

    The all seeing eye- my mother and her Colombian super palate. Hers is always drip, black, and brown sugar. GD inspirational

  • RME @ The Dad Brew girl

  • I usually just make my own coffee (strong with LF milk and cinnamon) but when I get it out, hook me up with a skim latte or cappuccino because the froth is fun.

  • Such a funny idea for a post!

    xo,
    Melissa
    MissyOnMadison.com
    Enter My Elizabeth Arden Fragrance Giveaway –> http://bit.ly/11CkynH

  • Hilarious!

  • Mark Porter

    The Picture is great. I love your blog. For fun Cosabella Lingerie and Letarte swimwear please check out our website. Portersboutique.com here in sunny Miami

  • “who are you drinking” …. absolutely hilarious! http://www.breakfastwithaudrey.com.au

  • This is brilliant, no mention of herbal or green tea drinkers though?

  • Capt. Tom

    I’ll have a ……”cafe, mocha, vodka, valium, latte, to go please.” 😉

  • Lilly

    caffeinated regret is definitely my favorite new word

  • Have intense dislike for the ABCs. These are also the same people who invite you to lunch and when you have skipped breakfast in preparation for that lunch, order an apple. Ok, correction – its not intense dislike, its pure hate.

    http://www.fashionandfrappes.com

  • Bethany

    Panic button turned New Yorker to avoid choices ?

  • Always medium roast coffee with room for half and half and I use maple syrup in my coffee at home and whenever a shop has it. If they have non-homogenized half and half all the better, I think I’m more a snob about what I put in my coffee vs the actual coffee (what do you mean this half and half isn’t pastured organic?!!)