Coat Jokes and Other Ways to Wear Them
(Or drive them)
A cold front is coming. It’s seasonally inevitable. As such, we can either rejoice in the fact that wearing the same navy sweater and black jeans every day will not just look appropriate but more importantly feel appropriate, or we can scramble to find the “perfect winter coat,” what Amelia calls this city’s equivalent of a car — where you stash your shit and need not to cycle in and out of a larger rotation.
We can also do both and become the cartoon characters of our wildest dreams, effectively sketching ourselves into frosted oblivion, renouncing favoritism in the direction of variety and solemnly swearing commitment to this coat — the coat.
But where to search, right?
A good place to start might be the Internet, where there are plenty of coats anticipating proprietorship. Why, just last week I came upon Ashley B where a twill oversize rendition proved its salt as the ideal I’m-not-as-cool-as-this-makes-me-look coat. Worn with a shin-length dress that features stripes of sparkle under colorful layers of velvet, it functions as a sort of quaalude — toning the dress down but only with the intention of allowing for fun socks (sorry, fUn SoCkSzsZS!!!!) to penetrate your feet and shoes.
Separately, there was also an ambitious cardigan, with its leather sleeves and knit back, which was arguably as versatile as, say, a white shirt can be. So, you know, being the chameleonic tiny dancer that I am, I tried it on backward and over a mandarin collar. Sure, when I moved my arms too abruptly, the knit created a brand new chest where my breasts used to be, but at least when I turned around, humanity was given an opportunity to learn of the relocation and remodeling of Notre Dame’s hunchback.
Will I stay warm? Only Ashton Kutcher knows.
He found his car, right?