We Tried The Margiela Diet
And boy is it nice to breathe again
Kanye West must be superhuman. Amelia and I covered our heads in scarves for about four hours today and let me tell you, it is difficult to see out of them. (I had to fix like 5647827 typs upon proofreading — I left some in for posterity, though.) It’s also hard to breathe out of them and eat out of them (if you soak water through the fabric surrounding the region of your lips, however, you can drink in very small incremements!), let alone perform a sold out concert in Brooklyn’s Barclays Center. Here are our recaps from a half day of trying the Margiela diet.
Let me start by weighing the pros and cons.
Con: Eating, or, I should say, the lack of the ability to do so.
Con: Breathing, or, I should say, the lack of ability to do so.
Pro: The air in New York is polluted-as-fuq anyway
Con: Appearing vaguely as though I am about to embark on a, how you say, flowery bank robbery
Pro: Exhibiting commitment to the Nice Bucket Challenge and proving humanity wrong about my intentions. (I didn’t even so much as rob Juice Press when I went in wearing my makeshift Margiela mask to get some chia pudding.)
Pro: I cannot pick my eyebrows
Pro: I can finally be compared to Kanye West in a meaningful way
Con: Is that a good thing?
Let me end with this deduction: The models of Margiela’s runway shows are heroes. I, however, am human.
Amelia: Contacts, bless their scientific souls, are the main reason I am able to walk around during the day without getting hit by vehicles, but until I pop those clear little freakshows into my eyeballs I can barely see my feet. This is just what the Margiela Diet was like! You would think I’d be great at this by now. I am not.
For starters, Charlotte tied my scarf on too tight and I was unable to get it off. This caused me three separate rounds of anxiety: once when I wanted to breathe, once when I wanted to eat and once when I wanted to not be on the Margiela Diet anymore or ever again. Both Leandra and Charlotte stood and laughed while I struggled to get it off all three times.
Walking was hard but not impossible, although I imagine it was confusing to the sea of people who I was unknowingly wobbling towards. I only realized I was about to run into someone when I ran into someone. This gave me a strong appreciation for those Margiela models who not only had to sashay down a runway in heels without falling stage but who had to do it with their faces covered in FABRIC.
Fabric is not fun to breathe through, did I mention that? Kids, do not try this at home. Do not try this on your cats, either.
Results of typing with a covered face were drunk-looking. I edited myself sans-scarf.
The one perk I found was that when it came to the actual “Diet” part of it, I did, in fact, eat less! At first I didn’t eat at all. Then I realized that if I cheated a bit and rolled the scarf up just over my mouth, then I could stick a fork in it while still maintaining partial blindness. The inability to see remained so intact that Leandra, bless her asshole of a heart, had actually taken her scarf off and proceeded to watch my attempts at playing airplane-spoon with myself.
Moral of the story: we should not quit our day jobs, models are magicians, and Kanye West may in fact be a god.
Or he has X-Ray vision.
Runway Images via Style.com