The Thought Process of Being Late

by Amelia Diamond
August 22, 2014
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Logical, really, if you take the time to think about it

KMpink

It is 8PM sharp and I have a date tonight.

Actually I have a date now, if you take into consideration that we agreed upon 8 as our meeting time, but 8 felt a little stifling what with its sharp and relentless arms pointing to the lower-left half of the clock. If 8PM were on the NY Mag Matrix it would fall just below the line that separates Highbrow and Lowbrow Brilliant.

What happened to the forgiving beauty of “a quarter past?”

Anyway the reason I’m “late” is because I work, you know, and even though I was supposed to leave the office at 6:30 I got this really annoying and urgent email. That I ignored. But I only ignored it because my friend sent me this dumb YouTube link that I had to watch immediately, otherwise it would be yet another open tab weighing on my conscience, right along with that Times article I meant to read and the credit card I never picked up from this bar on Leroy. So whatever, I watched the video and then I had to watch another one because you know how that goes, and then it was almost 7 so I ran out the door like a maniac while cursing about how I was going to be late, and then I stopped for a quick snack because you never want to enter a date on an empty stomach.

I got home at 7:30. Just enough time to body shower since you and I both know that one of us got a blowout this morning. Also just enough time to lie down for a minute and scroll through Instagram while trying not to drop my phone on my face. Then I stared in my closet for 10 minutes which brings us to where we are in this immediate moment, at 8 PM (now 8:02), me standing in a bra that I might have to change depending on the top I choose. I have zero clue what to wear.

That shirt sucks. I hate those pants. A skirt is like, calm down. Dress? Maybe I do dress. I call to my roommate — “Lev!” — he’s a guy — “Lev! Can I wear a dress?” He ignores me. It’s 8:05 so I take that as a yes, but with this dress, I don’t have to change my bra.

My reflection approves but my face needs work so I lean in like Sheryl and survey the scene. We can do this in two minutes easy and suddenly I am playing surgeon and nurse with myself:

Concealer?
Concealer.
Bronzer?
Bronzer.
Mascara?
Mascara.
Eyeliner?
No time.
Noted. Sew this baby up and we’re done.

Now it’s 8:09 which is the perfect time to send everyone’s favorite lie, “I’m on my way!,” buying me just enough time to fix the frizzy bit in the back of my hair and quickly look up the actor’s name from “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” who later played the stepdad in “The Santa Clause.”

It takes two minutes to get down my five flights of stairs in heels.

It takes three minutes to hail a cab.

It takes ten minutes to get to the restaurant, one to banter with the cab driver over cash versus card, which means I’m 25 minutes late by the time I’m officially, “Here.”

This isn’t so bad if you consider the fact that everyone knows 8PM means “a quarter past.” And besides. What was that Holden Caulfield line? “If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she’s late?”

It’s 8:31. I hope he likes Salinger.

Collage by Charlotte Fassler

REPLIES
  • ee_by_cc

    I’m perpetually 15 minutes early to everything but I can still relate to this, it’s so dead on. I always tell my husband that it takes longer than you think to do what you need to do and get where you need to go.

    http://www.enduringethereal.com

  • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

    Amelia Diamond for president.

    • http://Medium.com/@hager_emma Emma Hager

      yeah we could use Amelia’s above sentiments for things like paying taxes

      • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

        I payed my taxes on April 16, so yeah.

      • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

        hahah wait is it payed or paid? SERIOUS QUESTION

        • http://Medium.com/@hager_emma Emma Hager

          The latter, I believe, but honestly who gives a rat’s ass

          • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

            so embarrassing

          • Amelia Diamond
          • Amelia Diamond

            JK CJ!!! :) <3

          • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

            for the record: i did google it, but I knew my girl, emz, could hook a sista up with the answer way better than any search engine! but GOOD ONE, @$$.

  • Audrey

    Nope. It sounds like attention deficit disorder and the inability to prioritize. Oh, and it’s rude…

    • Tara Jayne

      you sound fun! also, are you a doctor or a life coach? i have a LOT of issues and could really use your help.

      • Audrey

        Neither, I just know how to manage my time. If I were meeting a date and they weren’t there by 15 minutes past the time agreed upon, and there was no IM letting me know they were running late, I’d just get up and leave. It’s about respecting other peoples’ time.

        • Madison

          I just really have to agree with you….it’s called time management and respect for others…… Albeit, this article is hilarious. I am just a always 15 minutes early person.

        • ddsouza

          I agree. It’s incredibly disrespectful to the other person – as if the other’s person’s time is not as important as your own. Nevertheless I was infamous for always being late… until I made my girlfriend so angry that I have since always arrived on time! I don’t know why I never did before. I guess I am (in certain situations) a selfish a**hole. Not good!

        • Allie

          I think it shouldn’t be that radical, honestly. I mostly tend to be on time, I hate to have people waiting for me but I’ve also found myself losing track of time at some point and it’s not because I don’t care about someone else’s time at all.. it’s literally because I’m doing something and all of a sudden 15 mins flew by when I thought it had been 5 or 10. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who would make such a big deal out of me arriving 15 minutes late. If it’s half an hour or an hour, I understand.. but getting up after 15 minutes I think is a little exaggerated.

          • Audrey

            Friends are different, but I specifically mentioned “a date” and if I had not heard from him by 15 past, then, yes, I would leave.

  • http://Medium.com/@hager_emma Emma Hager

    Amelia Diamond, you are a fucking goddess. How do you write like that?? You can be late any day because you’re just that charming.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I92Q8-wF8DY

    • Charlotte Fassler

      BANKS!

      • http://Medium.com/@hager_emma Emma Hager

        Yeeeee. I see her in a month! You better flippin go to see The Weeknd, Charlotte. Holding you accountable for such events

  • http://tongueburnt.blogspot.com/ Sarah Elise

    So I guess we can agree that Shakespeare can go fuck himself with this quote: “Better three hours too soon than a minute late”

  • aSparkleFactorStephanie

    LOVE THIS! HAHA!!
    Stephanie from A Sparkle Factor

  • http://Www.savvyhomeblog.com/ Gabrielle | Savvy Home

    Amelia Diamond, you never fail to make me spit out my coffee.

  • Laila A. B.

    I can totally relate to this, the worse thing is when you are already late and have changed your outfit three times and still haven’t found what to wear, it sucks. Love the way you write! xx

    herplaceattheuniverse.blogspot.com

    • Charlotte Fassler

      Preaching to the choir here!

  • ShanIsRad

    Totally me every morning, especially since I’ve gotten back into the habit of not picking out my clothes the night before. Now I don’t like what is in my closet, and I take forever to pick out an outfit for work.

  • http://bwallover.blogspot.com Vanessa Buttino

    I’m an earlybird. Always. I can’t stand it when people are late. If there’s an emergency, that’s different, but if they’re late because they just couldn’t be bothered to arrive on time, then that shows a horrible lack of respect for the person/people they’re meeting.

  • Quinn Halman

    When does the pilot of “The Life and Times of Amelia Diamond” air?

  • http://lisaldn.com LisaLDN

    That’s actually extremely impressive! I would NEVER have managed a shower, Instagram, clothes picking, putting my face on AND hailing a cab in an hour! Snaps for Amelia Diamond :)

  • Jamie Leland

    Chronic lateness is not a disrespect for other’s time, it’s an affliction that can probably be attributed to inconsistencies in time and space. We don’t yet have the science to understand why time moves faster around some.

    • SB

      People will think you’re joking, but this is true.

    • shminta

      thank you jamie….i will now include your theory in all of my excuse texts from now on.

  • http://coocooforcoco.blogspot.com/ Colleen

    JUDGE REINHOLD!

  • http://www.dominiquecandido.com Dominique
  • Britan Mills | The Paper Doll

    Yes. Spot on!!!

  • Katie

    This was a great read. Loved the pace and the scenes and the familiarity that accompanies everyone (sort of) rushing to get out the door.

  • Leah

    So true. I always think 20 minutes is enough time to get ready, yet I end up looking in the wardrobe for 20 minutes thinking about what to wear, flicking between songs on my stereo, and then figuring how much ass is too much ass?

    Ergo, always late.

    • Hanne

      TOTALLY. I always think I will be ready in 20 minutes but it really always takes longer! also i feel so grown up and proud when i am on time for once, it’s ridiculous…

  • Aubrey Green

    I hate being late and I hate when people are late. I have a friend who is ALWAYS late, sometimes like 2 hours, not kidding (if it was just her and I meeting, I would leave after 30 mins of waiting). She would always say she was running late at the time we were suppose to meet, which means that I was already there. I don’t get it (unless there is a real emergency), I have a ton of shit to do as well and if I make the time to be on time, that’s the least you can do. I still love you Amelia and your writing, but if you’re late for our ‘date’ I will slap you ;).

    • Audrey

      I used to have a friend like that so I just basically assumed 8pm meant 8:45pm (in her mind) so I would show up at 8:45. That saved the friendship, for awhile.

  • Char’s bff

    thank you for this. story of my life.

  • Uschi

    <3

  • Babs

    Welp. I’m stressed out now. TGIF, you funny biatch.

  • http://www.littlewildheart.com Alexandra Puffer

    The braaaaa. Always the bra. Like, just look good and seamless with everything, and super hot with nothing, ok? k. Also, “so I lean in like Sheryl” needs to be in a rap or something. Thank you for this, thank you quoting Catcher. I really really want to be the girl who’s annoyingly on time for everything – SOMEDAY!

    Warm Regards,
    Alexandra
    http://www.littlewildheart.com

  • mar

    This could very well be one of my favorite pieces on MR. Bravo, Amelia. And yes, story of my life. In fact, I should have left the office ten minutes ago. Leaving as fast as I can press ENTER.

  • http://lexxiannespoonful.blogspot.co.uk/ Alexis – Anne Beards

    I used to ALWAYS late – so I cam to the conclusion that I have to try get ready two hours in advance or prep up everything so it’s just a case of coming out the shower, slipping the next thing on and going for the ‘natural’ look – I am now always half an hour early!

    I can’t win.

    xx

    http://lexxiannespoonful.blogspot.co.uk/

  • Olivia

    Somebody needs to write the flip side to this article, “pretending to be texting someone for 30m in a crowded restaurant” aka the story of me. What did punctual people do before smartphones?

    • http://www.facebook.com/VoiceUpSlovenia swissinslovenia

      I used to bring a book. Actually, I might consider starting that habit again…

  • Kristy

    I am so that flaky late person because just one more link and poor concept of time and fear of waiting

    But I’m trying to change, honest, because empathy and stuff. I used to think it was kind of floaty and carefree to not be on time but realized it was just douchey. Of course, I’m always on time for work stuff and dentist appointments. I’m just a bad friend, that’s all.

    • ddsouza

      I was the exact same – I used to turn up late for everything except important work-related stuff or flights. But then my girlfriend got so angry with me, that I changed! So now, whenever I go to meet my girlfriend, I aim to be 30 mins early and end up being only 5 mins late!

  • María

    I always think I’ll be early or just in time, but, I’m 10 minutes later usually. I still can’t understand why do I take so much time to dress up.
    Lots of love, xx

    http://marysreturn.blogspot.com.ar/
    http://marysreturn.blogspot.com.ar/

  • Celina Buss

    The last two lines are clever, haha

  • katrina

    Sometimes we do need to take time to think about something.
    http://www.kleidmo.com/

  • Aisha S

    aww, why did you leave out the eyeliner!!!? :p

  • Katleen Mara | The Modern Alic

    I LOVEEEEEE this post! It’s so funny that you mention 8PM means “a quarter past.” My boyfriend, family, and friends all know to always give me the time half an hour earlier for the event (even then I’m still 5-10 minutes late). But as you stated, if the woman looks good, then it’s all good. ;) <3 Such a great read! Needed this to, hopefully, be more consciously aware of the time before I leave for a date tonight.. hahaha. Thank you for the fun read!

    http://www.themodernalice.com

  • http://www.dreaminlace.com/ DreamInLace

    I’m basically 15 minutes late to everything in my life, and it’s exhausting. It puts so much extra pressure on you! If only I could apply the same logic behind my always being on-time for important work meetings to everything else…

    xoxo
    Kelly
    http://www.dreaminlace.com

  • Ajnira Muminovic

    Every time im late, i promise myself that will not happen again, and it happens.. every fucking time, and i rlly want to be that cool type that has it all tght. it doesnt go very well, that situation is too familiar, its embarrassing… majnira.com

  • http://ichigoichielove.com ichigoichielove

    Just stumbled upon this blog this morning and am loving it! (I’m supposed to be doing Things and Such today, but… oh well!) I’m usually early (ugh, Swedish genes plus living in Japan too long) but I’m never as early as I plan to be, due to the same kind of preparation process. (I wanted to go window shopping before meeting up, but now I only have time to stand around and get pushed by strangers for 5-10 mins, gahh!)
    Looking forward to reading more <3

  • SEXY

    MIileyyCyruss is FFucckiing>>>http://bit.ly/mileyfuckinig..

  • http://instagram.com/quincykk Quincy

    I’m the control freak kind of person who gets somewhere embarrassingly early and has to walk around the block 5 times in an attempt to be fashionably late. Regardless, this was hilarious and “my face needs work so I lean in like Sheryl and survey the scene,” DAMN GOOD LINE (I’ll be using it)

  • http://jordancathleen.blogspot.com/ Jordan Cathleen

    Hilariously accurate as always. I loved this!

    | jordancathleen.blogspot.com

  • http://behindthemirrorbeauty.com/ Behind the Mirror

    Love this post! I like to think of being late as the euro way… it’s just a bit more relaxed mindset. In the end everyone arrives, everyone eats, and everyone enjoys. More than that, if you can’t wait, then don’t. No harm done, especially in the greater scheme of life.

  • http://www.thesuppermodel.com The Supper Model

    Absolutely brilliant. I can feel that same mania I enter almost every pre-night out… 24 min after said time seems to be my going rate these days. Not proud of it, but as you say Ms. Diamond….let’s hope that all those who know, love, or are interested in us like Salinger ;)

    ADORE.
    xoxo Darcy | The Supper Model
    http://www.thesupermodel.com

  • http://www.itscarmen.com ≈ CARMEN ≈

    I totally agree. Social media has the power to distract you from your goal. I often have to do lists to accomplish but social media tends to get in the way. I am a self-proclaimed social media-holic & I’m not afraid to admit it but that’s what it is to be a 24 year old blogger. :] // itsCarmen.com ☼

  • María Belén

    You just made the whole articule with that last line. I loved it.

    Or maybe I just finished reading The Catcher in the Rye and I loved it.

  • Julie

    I’m always about 5-10 minutes late to everything, seemingly no matter what I do. So, if I’m ever early, I’ve probably forgotten something. And, of course, in pure hypocritical fashion, it annoys me if I’m waiting on someone else! Also, I think this piece deserves a Kanye lyric: “Good things come to those who wait, so imma be at least about an hour late.”

  • Alejandra

    I am always late to everything. The only problem with that is that if there’s ever a movie of my life, ‘Always on Time’ by Ja Rule ft. Ashanti wont be on the soundtrack.

  • http://blog.studiomeroe.com/ Candace (Studio Meroe)

    Haha. Hilarious. My friends and I usually get ready at one apartment when we go to events or parties. It’s an even worse scenario. You must multiply this by each girl because the outfit and makeup questions pertain to every single girl. If someone votes “no” even though the other three said “yes” then it’s basically a “no” because a 75% is a grade C, and no one wants to be a 75%.

  • http://marciayl.tumblr.com/ Marcia Lee

    I feel like you just wrote a monologue from GIRLS. Lena, is that you?

    • http://marciayl.tumblr.com/ Marcia Lee

      speaking of which, i should be heading to lower east RIGHT NOW. but i’m busy, still on my work computer, diligently reading all my opened tabs before i leave.

  • Hanna

    aha so how did it went did u like him? Spill the beans girl

  • http://www.paraparasailing.com/ Sharon

    Love this.

  • Katherine

    This is spot on.

  • Sam Jones

    This is hilarious. I do the EXACT same thing.

  • Ella Parker

    I have never related to anything more in my entire life.

    http://thepolkafox.wordpress.com