Celebrity, man. It’s just so, I don’t know, combustible. Like a train passing in the night, inevitably destined for either a crash and burn or very, very dramatic arrival. And we know what you’ve been thinking — we’ve been thinking it too — so before you scrunch your face like it is an 80s hair tie and squint your eyes as though you’re a nearsighted Elvis impersonator who forgot his/her glasses at the movies, we’d like to answer the question of why we can’t stop talking about [insert zeitgeist-y person, television wonder, thing we bring up repeatedly here].
To help tackle the cumbersome Planet Hollywood, we’ve broken down the most salient repeat offenders who populate these pages. Here’s what we’ve got to say:
When we first started talking about her: When Destiny’s Child was born. Remember “Buggaboo,” “Survivor,” and the concept of paying automobills? She cultivated buzzwords that would linger in our lexicons, and as an independent House of Deréon jeans-wearer, she provided female power to her listeners without making them feel like they were in a Women’s Studies class.
Why we can’t stop: She made feminism cool. She married Jay Z. She might leave Jay Z (?). She gave birth to pop culture royalty Blue Ivy. Two years later, Leandra would contract poison ivy. She keeps doing things that make it impossible to stop: the SURPRISE MOTHA FUCKAS album drop on Instagram, the crystal cone bras, her dance moves, the fact that there are dance classes dedicated to her moves. She’s an omniscient narrator, and we? We are sheep.
Who: Kanye West
When we first started talking about him: 2004; College Dropout. For Amelia it was the song “Kanye’s Workout Plan,” for Leandra, it was “All Falls Down.”
Why we can’t stop: He effectively told us that we couldn’t stop talking about him and frankly speaking, we all listened. He calls himself a god, thinks he’s the Steve Jobs of music, has turned croissants into totems of fame and he started a fashion line. Plus, he married Kim Kardashian who is like a Jeff Koons vacuum cleaner in that she is sexual and suitable art for a museum installation.
Who: Phoebe Philo
When we first started talking about her: When she led the house of Chloé.
Why we can’t stop: Remember that time Kanye West wore a Céline blouse on stage? Karla Otto had been looking for it. She created Furkenstocks, discovered that pricing a leather box-shaped bag at $3000 would not elicit a refrain, single-handedly brought in minimalism, elegantly spearheaded Normcore, and she moonlit as the mother of treating-yo-self if you consider how much $ a plain white (albeit perfect) Céline shirt is.
Who: Kate Moss
When we first started talking about her: When she was photographed in Minnetonka moccasin booties and it was like, “Oh my gosh, a supermodel is wearing $50 shoes?”
Why we can’t stop: Her personal style propelled a cult-like genre of dressing most commonly referred to as FESTIVAL FASHION now. Also, her face. It’s like Benjamin Button’s only it never grows further up or down.
What: Mean Girls
When we first started talking about it: Immediately after seeing the movie trailer, possibly earlier if you were a Tina Fey nerd.
Why we can’t stop: It was the first earnestly comedic look at “high school reality” — a combination of scenarios that would be repeated throughout the rest of our lives. It gave us the tools to deal — as in, just deal. The quotes have yet to lose their steam and in 2014, Mean Girls is Instagram — or meme — caption gold.
When we first started talking about it: Right as the movie came out. Amy Heckerling was like a big sister, helping us preemptively navigate teenage-hood before many of us were officially there.
Why we can’t stop: Heckerling road-mapped events (both monumental and trivial) that we would, as a collective, eventually experience in some capacity. (As in, she made us take our road tests before we even had licenses. Few of us had Fred Segal cardigans to go with.)
What: Sex & the City
When we first started talking about it: Once we were old enough to watch it.
Why we can’t stop: Because Sex & the City was, in essence, the first fashion blog.
Who: Lena Dunham
When we first started talking about her: Tiny Furniture for some, Delusional Downtown Divas for others who are niche (Leandra), then, of course, GIRLS.
Why we can’t stop: She’s intelligently deflecting the negative gaze of both men and women. Also, she’s fucking funny.
What: Wedge Sneakers
When we first started them: Technically when platform Sketchers were cool (“It’s the S!”). Years later, Leandra showed up to Amelia’s apartment wearing the brainchild of one Isabel Marant in the form of a gigantic wedged sneaker plus pillow tongue. Amelia didn’t like them, and so Leandra knew right then and there that they were cool and that for no real reason at all, she’d need another pair of the $800 trainers.
Why we can’t stop: Now that the trend is being killed softly, we’ve taken the rose-colored glasses off and have had to wonder what in the good name of ballet flats we were thinking. Nevertheless, the shoes have been filed under Things That Aren’t Mistakes because Nostalgia is Involved, but also! They spearheaded a different movement called Sneakers Rule.
Who: Miley Cyrus
When we first started talking about her: Hannah Montana
Why we can’t stop: For one, she won’t stop either. Also, her tongue is interestingly long, and her songs are irrefutably catchy. “Party in the USA,” guys. Never forget.
When we first started talking about it: When Jacks Wife Freda opened
Why we can’t stop: Because it’s green, because incidentally, we’ve all become health nuts and fitness fiends and, of course, because Gwyneth Paltrow won’t lettuce. Get it?
Now you know.