We’re Trying the Bastille Day Diet

July 14, 2014

Hurry up with my damn croissant!

bastilledaydiet1

When I crossed the threshold that is suite 808 this morning, I realized that today was, like the first and second nights of Passover, different from all the other days. If there are 52 Mondays in a year and I’ve walked the earth for 25 years, I’ve experienced at least 1300 Mondays since initial inception, so no difference there. I’ve also experienced at least five flash flood warnings from my iPhone just this summer alone and have worn the black slip dress currently cloaking my body four times in the past two weeks. So what amounts for this disparity?

Why, Bastille Day of course. And if I didn’t know any better, I could have sworn that when I woke up and felt just a little bit more French than I usually do, I was actually inching toward a new reality. Of course, this wasn’t the case — it never will be the case but a girl, she can rêve (that’s French for dream!) and in honor of Bastille Day, Amelia and I have decided that we will embark on a journey we will call The Bastille Day diet.

The first rule is: French girls don’t diet.

The rest appear as follows: consume croissants, run home and change into stripes (Amelia is already wearing them and says if I don’t change, her portion of the diet includes punching me every hour on the hour), drink wine like it is water, locate wine that is cheaper than water, smoke cigarettes (but only the e-kind!), inhale croissants, speak French (holler at Google translate), respond to Americans speaking French in English, not shave (already way ahead on this accord), among other nuances that we believe will manifest as we continue down this road. Check back every hour for updates, don’t even think of wearing a beret and the next time someone asks if you carry almond milk, laugh so hard in his/her face.

11:25AM:

Amelia

Good morning mon petit poulet! That means little chicken and it is a term of endearment but I cannot figure out the plural because the only time I took French was one summer in Nice and wouldn’t you know it, I never studied. Not even before the final, which I got out of by miraculous intervention and left with a B on my report card that I didn’t deserve, but I didn’t argue. Here’s what I do know:

11:35AM: 

Leandra

Amelia is not acting French right now. This is a sentence she just said: “he fucking loves titties.” A French person would never say that. As a result of this, I am on strike until she starts acting like a little chicken who studied — but never studied — in Nice again.

Another thing she just said, “I wonder what angle is going to give me the biggest tits.” I will not specify whether she was imitating someone else or wondering in earnest. You can cogitate in the comments below.

I haven’t changed into stripes yet, brb.

Amelia

I WAS IMITATING SOMEONE.

1:21PM:

Leandra

I just went out for lunch and I know I should have picked up a baguette and some brie and a bottle of wine but I guess my American blood runs deep. That and it is thicker than wine. Literally. Because I’m drinking a smoothie. I will have you know that I ordered said smoothie in French to which the man at Organic Avenue did not respond at all. I also got a quinoa platter that tastes vaguely of probiotic turtle ass so I think I’m going to go downstairs and re-do this whole thing. Croissant, wine, the whole she-bang.

I also forgot to tell you I did not put on suntan lotion this morning. I live life on le (French for the) edge.

1:34 PM

Amelia

Leandra, despite having completely nailed the French accent, is really terrible at this diet. For one, she’s wearing navy which is neither all-black nor festively striped. I am festively striped. Two, she’s drinking coffee with ICE in it. I am forewent ice in the name of Francophilia and ex-patriotism. Three, she’s refusing to call me Amélie despite the fact that I’ve been calling her Pierre Bernard since before she could walk, and so FOUR: I’m five slurps of her frozen lies away from buying a baguette to le whack her with. 

Leandra

Just bolded and italicized where Amelia tried to fake a French accent. Leandra: 1, Amelia: 00. (Titties – get it?)

2:54PM:

Leandra

Screen Shot 2014-07-14 at 2.05.59 PM

 

Someone dead and French is rolling over in his or her grave right now but I just can’t help keep this embellished, black v-neck dress on! I’m not taking off the non-prescription specs either. The most French thing I have done since the last update is probably not finish my entire meal down to the last grain of quinoa. Also, I let the ice in my coffee melt and am now drinking a plastic cup full of lukewarm dirty dishwater. Mmm.

3:32

Amelia

Leandra’s dress is navy. She’s not only bad at the Bastille Day Diet, she’s also color blind. Here are some French things I’ve done so far:

1) Had a glass of wine.

2) Said, “Merde.”

3) Left the office mid-day and took a nap.

4) Had a glass of wine.

On an unrelated note, I like to take Bastille Day as a yearly opportunity to remind my dad about the time when I hadn’t seen him for a whole week because he was traveling. On the day of his return I was so excited for him to come home that I waited by my grandparent’s door like a Golden Retriever and wagged my tail. WELL GUESS WHAT MY DAD DID? He made FRIENDS (like a psychopath) with two French tourists on their way to a museum near my grandparent’s house and invited them over and hung out with them instead of moi. I have never let him forget it since.

4:23PM:

Amelia

Just a heads up: Leandra’s about to come back and tell you her dress is, in fact, black. Don’t listen.

4:43PM:

Leandra

Guess what? I’m drinking wine out of a can. Also, I just ordered this t-shirt from Zara.com but probably should have ordered this one because it is boatneck.

5:35 PM:

Amelia

Off topic but related to diets, remember that time we did the Sugar Diet? This fucker is still alive and swimming.

unnamed

6:37

We almost didn’t update because according to French law, we’re not supposed to work after work, naaamean? But we couldn’t end this post without the realest words Kanye has ever spoken:

Oh! And also, we seem to have failed miserably. The French don’t even call this day Bastille Day. They call it Fete Nationale with one of those little hats over the e in fete. Incidentally, long live the American impostors.

Image on the left Courtesy of Vogue.com, Image on the right via Tumblr

  • CarlotaLMorais

    Parisian style eating just in time for summer! I would join you but I already have a quilo or two to drop. This is the kind of diet that I would follow with no excuses! Sounds delicious really. You girls are hilarious!!! I want to see a group pic, all in stripes!!

  • http://www.itscarmen.com ≈ CARMEN ≈

    I had the most amazing time in France for Bastille Day. The fireworks were amazing & I loved my brie & baguette breakfasts. :] // itsCarmen.com ☼

  • GapToothedGirl

    That’s definitely my ultimate diet to follow!! No excuses, just eat thons of croissant, and I’m really happy!!!
    XOX, Gap.
    http://www.gaptoothedgirl.com

  • ee_by_cc

    I like your style, Team MR. Viva la pain au chocolat!

    http://www.enduringethereal.com

  • http://www.ashliwithaneye.com Ashli Pollard

    also to be included: use “ze” as your main article. i feel zis is ze most necessary.

  • Dominique
  • http://breachofbeauty.blogspot.com Sarah Elise

    leaked pic of leandra today

    • Amelia Diamond

      she’s so insistent on keeping that soul patch below her lip despite the fact that i keep telling her she looks like chris kirkpatrick

      • http://breachofbeauty.blogspot.com Sarah Elise

        at least she switched out the dreads and goggles for a beret and scarf

      • Aubrey Green

        The little hair that men have under their lower lip, what you called a “soul patch”, honestly looks like a hairy teeny-tiny vagina.

  • http://www.otisunfiltered.blogspot.com/ Allison

    Are you going to buy a baguette only to carry under your arm and quickly give away when you get home? (P.S. I just finished reading your book)

    http://www.otisunfiltered.blogspot.com

  • http://dfcghbnkmm.com AnnCates

    I love this post! French women not shaving is not the most accurate thing ever, but most Europeans don’t shave I guess. So why not take the opportunity for an excuse not to shave!

    Much Love, AnnCates xx

    anncates.blogspot.com

  • http://breachofbeauty.blogspot.com Sarah Elise

    leaked pic of amelia today

  • Jenna Calderone

    I am donning a breton stripe and have already assembled a graphic Snapchat story in which I am dramatically guillotined. Vive la France.

  • Whitney V

    Hahahahaha I can’t stop laughing!! Couldn’t be bothered to change, wish I could join you for the croissants tho x

  • MarieRose

    Brilliant!

  • hila

    I believe the correct grammar is “l’edge”.
    Joyeux Bastille Day! ;)

  • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

    Can we have an insta video of you guys doing French accents? I love accents.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Oui mon petit choux

      • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

        Ah! Merci ma chérie

  • Emily Lever

    French women don’t diet? LOL (or should I say MDR) !!! They never say they’re on a diet, they’re just always “watching what they eat”: “Je fais attention.”

  • http://insertwth.com/ Denisse

    This had me laughing from beginning to end! And that video of the cats was hilarious.

  • mageeski

    hahah amazing! wish being a french woman came naturally to me.

    Magee / Mageeski.blogspot.com

  • Caroline’s Closet

    Check out my blog which incorporates fashion & lifestyle!

    http://www.carolinescloset.org

  • http://www.strippedchic.com/ Shannon Kearns

    I’ve a mild baguette obsession and I must say, they’re prime for “le whacking” un-French people. Post rocks. It makes me want to be super American tomorrow. May even wear mom jeans and a fanny…

    -Shannon at http://www.strippedchic.com

  • Tracy

    Great post as usual, love Leandra’s outfit, above all the cuffs!

    http://fashion-soup.com/

  • Caroline

    I’m French and love this post full of clichés on France and what it’s like to be French!
    Remember, we don’t diet, we just don’t eat anything while drinking wine, smoking cigarettes and saying deep and mysterious things…

    • Amelia Diamond

      No eating with the wine?! Ugh I failed.

  • bong
  • http://www.yoursfreida.blogspot.com/ Freida

    Oh my god, you never fail to make me laugh. Is there anything not funny here? I just love how you write. Well tomorrow is a Holiday here in Germany so I will probably read MR the whole day.
    Bonne Journée Leandra et Amélie et bon Weekend
    http://www.yoursfreida.de