The Psyche of a Shopper

by Amelia Diamond
July 22, 2014
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Get in my brain, therapist, we’re going shopping.

psycheofashopperspeechI enter the store.

I back out of the store because I’m holding an iced coffee and apparently that’s not allowed inside. Either someone once went Buckingham Palace with pasta sauce and a slingshot near the all-white section so now they’re paranoid, or, this store wants me slightly dehydrated so that I make delirious purchases.

I re-enter the store. My retail strategy is like reading a magazine: I work right to left, starting counterclockwise at the 6 o’clock mark. Once my path is mapped my focus begins. I’m eyeing the jeans first because we came here today to buy pants.

The jeans are always in a stupid pile at this store. My rifling begins cautiously, looking for my size with patience and determination. By the fourth pair I’ve gone rogue, and the pile is a mess and a sales person hates me and there are four different sized-jeans slung over my shoulder like I’m a fireman carrying a hose. The problem is that I could be a 26, I could be a 27, but I don’t understand these annoying sizing conversions and ALSO — I was distracted by a different style.

That come in a different wash.

So now I’m looking around for a small donkey to help carry my loot while realizing that these jeans are going to require some very specific tops.

Which I don’t own. How do I not own one semi-cropped camisole with dainty straps to pair with these jeans that I came here determined to buy? Leandra might have one…actually she definitely does…I wonder if she’d let me borrow it.

psycheofashoppertext

Ok this means I need to buy one now. Actually, maybe two. I’m thinking two because what if I also ruin one during taco night and then want to wear these jeans that I haven’t tried on yet but will probably fall in love with, which REQUIRE this top to pair with, remember?

Two it is.

So now I’m pushing through the racks and dropping maybe like, every third shirt on the floor because no store has figured out that there are hangers with GRIPS. By the tenth dropped shirt I give up trying to put these buttheads back on their dumb slip-n-slides and instead load them all on to my donkey which miraculously just appeared. JK, it didn’t. It’s just me hauling ass, looking like a one-woman-looter at a Talbots free-for-all.

As I’m shuffling to the dressing room I catch dresses in my peripheral vision. “I’ll come back for you, I promise,” I whisper. It’s eyes on the prize until I realize how long the dressing room line is, and so instead I search for a spot where I won’t get caught taking my pants off in public.

Pants are off — and I’m caught. I distract the salesperson by pointing out that someone’s stealing a left shoe.

I’m alone again. Just me and eight billion customers and these jeans that I’m shimmying into. They fit. Holy shit they fit…that means I have to buy them, because that’s a sign. But I don’t have to try on the tops, right? No no…I can always return. But I do have to edit: 10 tops are a bit much, and the fact alone that I’ve said “top” this many times in the last minute is alarming.

Now I’m walking toward the cash register and it hits me — SHOES. Literally, a pair comes flying at my head and figuratively, a pair appears in a thought bubble: “I don’t have shoes that go with this outfit.”

I consider the time it will take to find a matching pair of the style of shoe I like in the correct size versus the length of the line I am on. These are the types of math problems the SATs should be asking rather than, “If a train leaves North Dakota at 5 PM what’s the square root of ‘you failed’?”

The line wins. I own a similar pair of sandals, anyway. Right? Or crap, do I just think I do because I put them into my shopping cart on ASOS? No, I definitely do.

The line moves. Oh look, clutches!

Amelia. No. No clutches.

I’m now at the cash register. I hand over two pairs of jeans, three tops (shut up), a pair of sandals (weird! how did those get in there?!) and someone’s child. I return the child. The saleswoman rings me up.

Cha-ching.

Guess what?

I forgot my wallet.

I probably didn’t need that stuff anyway.

Prince-George-Unimpressed

Photo cred: Top image shot by Mikael Jansson for Interview Magazine, bottom via Popsugar, both captioned with our own freaky words

REPLIES
  • anna louise

    So me. So very me. Don’t bother thinking anything will ever change. Your shopping experience will be like this into eternity. It’s just the way it is.

  • leahnoodles

    This is everything

    • Amelia Diamond

      so is your name leahnoodles!

  • http://www.dominiquecandido.com Dominique
  • GapToothedGirl

    That’s me too..we’re a crowd!
    LOL!

    XOX, Gap.
    http://www.gaptoothedgirl.com

  • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

    I actually love when something doesn’t fit or when I don’t have my wallet on hand because then that means I don’t have to spend money!

    I go into the dressing room and I chant to the pants: please don’t fit, please don’t fit, be awkward in the hip.

    I count on outside forces when I know I won’t have self-control.

    • Valeria Hirsch

      The story of my life.

  • Emily Marie Ancona

    Your blog is amaze balls. I just found it and I’m officially obsessed. Your voice is like so addicting (in a totally non creepy way, but in the way were you just keep reading like we are actually talking to you) and your style is great!
    xoxo,

    http://www.emilyancona.com <3

  • http://www.yourdoseofcoffee.com lulu

    hahaha so me…Super aweson read!

  • Bria

    I swear, Amelia has become the sole reason why I read Manrepeller. This was hysterical and YOU ARE EVERYTHING.

  • http://dolceandgabriella.wordpress.com Gigi Gastevich

    HAAA “instead I search for a spot where I won’t get caught taking my pants off in public”=my life every time I step into Zara. There’s a little corner behind some scarves at the Bryant Park store where they hardly ever find me….

    Love, Gigi
    Dolce and Gabriella

  • http://sweettrendsandsequins.blogspot.com/ SweetTrends&Sequins

    Loved this post! Laughed out loud :) If i don’t go in with an outfit in mind I’m doomed!
    Check out my blog if you want to see awesome outfit transformations! http://sweettrendsandsequins.blogspot.com/

    Cheers~
    M

  • donn
  • Marjorie Gavan

    Hahahaha… That should be a fitting ending.

  • TheCanadian

    Haha who are you?!! Can we be friends?!! That was hilarious and so very entertaining!

    • Amelia Diamond

      we’re friends!

  • Tracy

    This post is great! You’re funny as always!

    http://fashion-soup.com/

  • rachel

    I’ve been trying to do this thing where I only buy things that I love at first sight… but like romantic love, I still manage to TOTALLY OVER THINK love at first sight in clothing. It does help that I only wear black and grey though…

    ps: I’m not goth, swear.
    pps: Not that there’s anything wrong with that

    ppps: 20+ years later and seinfeld still seems to creep into all areas of my life.

  • Joanna

    Hahaha so funny! It’s literally me in the store!

  • http://batman-news.com Okingbe

    This blog is amazing!!!!

  • Desiree Hill

    this is hilarious, and so very very true.

  • http://dfcghbnkmm.com AnnCates

    It’s funny because it so true! I love it when you do blog posts in more of a story format! Please do more like that!
    Much Love, AnnCates xx
    anncates.blogspot.com

    • Amelia Diamond

      you doo? noted!!

      • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

        Yes please note! Love! X

    • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

      I second this!!!

  • Alexis

    in love with your writing style, feels like im in the store with you, DESTROYING sh*t

    • Amelia Diamond

      just fuckin up piles, man

  • Mariah

    Oh my god is this what’s it’s like to go shopping and actually buy stuff? Because I go shopping on my college girl budget and it’s always, “Can I afford this? Oh look at that! It’s more than $50! I probably have something similar already. I guess if I really want it I can go find something like it at the thrift store…” That’s how my thought process goes. Every. Freaking. Time. I really need to start that Etsy shop…

    Theatricality by Mariah

  • Charlotte Fassler

    This is more or less my experience, however there are a few alterations. I would most likely go in needing jeans, getting excited by the tops, somehow abandon all of it and leave with shoes or a coat and start back at square one which is I HAVE NO JEANS STILL AND I SPENT MONEY ON SOMETHING I HAVE.

  • Noelle M Wheatley

    omg definition of my shopping exerience… like before I even enter the store

  • nycshoegal

    Amelia Diamond – the sole reason behind my visits to manrepeller.com (no offense to the others).

  • lea

    this is absolutely fantastic and absolutely fucking accurate.

  • Sassique

    Cool post! I really loved to read this article, very relevant!

    http://www.sassique.com

  • ShanIsRad

    Totally me when I shop. I swear I’m going to only look at sale things, and then I find myself in the shoe section. I’ve also gotten very good at calculating %off in my head, I don’t know if that’s a good thing, or a sign that I need help!

  • jom du jour

    GOLD.

  • Shonima Kaul

    hahaha.. this is so funny.. I m sure a lot of us would relate to this story.
    I wrote a similar piece on my blog a year ago based on my experience :-)
    http://www.fashionufeel.com/confessions-of-a-shopaholic/

  • john

    funny articel , really fun to read it !
    jam tangan pria

  • Kandeel

    Wait does anyone know the changing in the store trick for pants??
    If you don’t, listen up. Put on a maxi skirt over your jeans, drop your jeans, put on the pants you want to try under the maxi skirt, drop the maxi skirt. Then repeat process backwards to get your pants back on!

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  • leoma

    By far the best thing I’ve read!!!

  • http://www.thefashionjunki.com/ Peppi

    Imagining it in my head as I read through… It’s priceless and spot on real!

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