Wet Hot Horoscope Summer
Too bad Paul Rudd in Short Shorts is not a constellation
Let’s cut to the chase since we’re 8 days into July and have been trembling like a cold worm in a wet bathing suit without the Susan Miller Monthly Special. But it’s here now, processed through my brain like a juicer strains pulp (but keeps the nutrients!), so grab a glass, add some champagne (it’s technically the signs’ New Year which makes zero sense but whatev), don your lifeguard whistle and let’s get started.
Happy birthday Cancer! I hope you have already eaten so much cake that you have a weird sensation in the back of your jaw signifying a sugar overdose or too much MSG. There’s two annoying days in July — one we’ve passed (July 4th, looking at you, ARTHUR) and today. Today might be annoying for you because you chose to read this instead of doing work and your VIP got mad (I don’t blame you: birthday month + heat = nap/snack/party/bullshit). The good Suz is that it won’t matter — your income is about to raise the roof $$$. She advises all Cancers to shop, get their hair did, smile a ton, and work that Venus-amped charisma. It’s your birthday month, baby, and just like Arthur the hurricane-not-aardvark did, you’re gonna Make. It. Rain.
Per Susan who is clearly a Leo but never actually admits it anywhere publicly: “You are standing in the wings, the orchestra has arrived and are tuning up, and very shortly – on July 16 – you will be the reigning king or queen of the zodiac when Jupiter, giver of gifts and luck, enters Leo on that day.” What she means, other than the fact that she blatantly favors your sign (I’m not bitter, I’m not bitter) is that now is the time to make your dreams a reality because the planets are on your side: you’re going to fall in love, have a great job interview, and feel inspired. But you know what she always says — astrology acts as a guide, and only you can prevent forest fires. Or make them happen.
Well go ahead and buy that digital fog horn you’ve been lusting over, weirdo, because Mercury has finally gone out of retrograde which means you can hit up Walmart and start buying electronics again! It’s a great time to join a club (tennis, anyone? turkey, bacon, tomato and extraneous slice of sourdough toast, anyone?) and because of Jupiter cradling itself in your arms when it’s not peeing on Libra’s carpet (allegedly!!! see below…) it’s going to be the perfect opportunity to “center yourself, withdraw from draining obligations and think about what makes you happy.” Susan said that, and she is as wise as the planets are old.
No pressure or anything but starting right now you have exactly 8 days to find a way to step up to a position of “greater responsibility and power.” If Khaleesi was able to do it in the desert with no dry shampoo and three annoying-ass fire breathing birds the size of Escalades, however, you totally can too. Act fast because Jupiter can only help you until it peaces out on the 16th. (This may be a good thing though, because Susan mentions that you’ve been “having a professional shampoo your rugs, carpets, and upholstery” which sounds an awful lot to me like ol’ Jupiter’s been forgetting where the bathroom is, if ya catch my drift.) Come the 24th, you’re going to make a new house trained friend.
Sunshine Susan says that each week this month is cause for celebration for you Scorpioz, so prep your house with those plastic electrical outlet covers that make it hard for babies to stick their fingers into and let’s party! She also says that legal decisions may come up on July 12 so should there be a correlation, make sure you have a solid alibi. I was never there, for the record. (But yes to your text, I will bring the party hats.) “Do not,” writes Suz, “under any circumstances, be out of the office for an extended period on vacation at the end of July.” This sounds like her New Year’s thing circa January, but according to her, “too many wonderful things will be bubbling up.” Pop a Tums now and hang on.
You look very nice this month, Sagittarius. Just everything about you is really glowing. And you’re so funny! And such a good cook! You’re so smart. And I love your outfit. Oh also, so random but guess what? You’re going to get a ton of money at the beginning of this month and just sort of roll around in gold and luck — “you are luckier than a Leprechaun now” says Suz — so just in case you’re looking to adopt a full grown adult, or at the very least should you feel generous and buy a round of alcoholic ice pops, remember who the person was that gave you the best compliments. ME.
Any career pressure you’ve been feeling is going to lift. Unless you’re a professional body builder, in which case I can only imagine it will grow, but Susan did not address this specifically. My apologies. With the welcome shift comes a significant decrease in the number of grey hairs you’ve been seeing and more importantly, an increase in the time you get to hang out with your friends. Yes, Drake. Yes new friends. Regarding love: if you’re hooking up with someone, you’ll DTR. If you’re dating, you may get engaged. If you’re married, you’ll get more married! And if you’re single and look like the cop from The Leftovers, then call me.
A friend told me I have to go one month without referencing the song in a horoscopes post. YOU KNOW THE SONG. When I say “told me,” I mean “threatened me,” so we’re skipping my favorite part of your sign and heading straight into the very boring topic of health. You’re welcome, Carol! But it’s all healing: if you’re in rehab, you’ll be nearing the end of treatment. If you’re in therapy, you may have a breakthrough. For the sake of my grudge, let’s just say Carol will not. In other news: Mars and Saturn the planets as opposed to the candy bar and extinct car company, respectively, are going to boost your career. Looks like someone’s gonna need a new power suit.
Not to talk about another sign or sound like my grandmother but this is going to be a really great month for you in the love department and same goes for Aries, so I’d love to set you two up if you’re interested. What’s your type — available, or On Sale-able? Because if it’s the latter, you can finally shop again come July 25 when Mars is going to get the hell out of your bank account’s business. (BTW, blaming Mars is a fantastic tactic when you accidentally charge, like, $700 worth of pizza to your internship boss’s credit card.)
It’s not a horoscope without a butt joke that writes itself, so let’s get this out of the way: Uranus is in a “hard square angle to the Sun” on July 8, which is today. Maybe you need some Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt to get you moving? Just grin and bear it through the end of the week, because by July 12 you’ll get any answers you were looking for and on July 16th, some sweet lovin’. In fact, your dance card is not only going to completely fill up for the next thirteen months, it sounds like one of those tangos will turn into a serious love.
Saturn has been opposed to our sun since October 2012 which is supposed to be a bad thing (and makes sense, because my Halloween costume was really mediocre that year, IDK about yours). It’s a “bad thing” because it means the universe chose our challenges for us as opposed to the other way around. Oh, you were gonna make 2012 the year you got in shape? NOPE! Saturn decided you need a broken leg. The good news is the challenges are making us Kelly Clarkson stronger (2013 was a great costume year) and the best news is that after 2014, Saturn’s done bein’ a bitch. Starting this month, everything will begin coming up roses. Or should I say…rosé.
Sup, Aunt Geminima? Hope you had a nice birthday last month. July is going to be sweeter than the syrup that comes out of the top of your head because Jupiter, “the planet of good fortune,” is going to start hooking up with Leo. In Suzy Loops terms this means: “If Jupiter were a person (and not a planet), and you went to visit him in his office, he would be a VIP with a name plate on his desk – but it would not say his name, ‘Jupiter’, but would instead say, ‘MORE!’ Jupiter will always give you more of whatever you ask him to give you – he is the planet of abundance.” So ask for shit, use your skills. And then confirm that Jupiter is not, in fact, a real person.
One last thing: July 24th is the luckiest day for all of us. Bling bling! Wanna hang?
Illustration by Cynthia Merhej