Disclaimer: I stole this post’s promo from an Instagram caption that Sophie Milrom, resident man repeller and kale expert, has been backlogging for months in relation to cashews and cashew farms.
How many “I Tried the No Sugar Diet” stories have you read in the last month? If you’re still counting, that’s three too many, which, frankly, isn’t to say that they’re bad. As a matter of fact, several have proven incredibly informative. I loved hearing about that English family and their newfangled, post-30-day-setox (sugar detox) energy levels last month. And that Norwegian woman, with her effusive attitude toward parsnips? So cool.
It’s just that, my mom is right. Americans suck at moderation and if we start indulging in full-blown no sugar diets, which will mean we can’t even consume fruit, there will inevitably follow a severe backlash which will leave us right back at Square A, counting the cardiac disease and cancer cases of America with a heavy heart and frustrated foot.
This is why Amelia and I bring you the anti-peanut-butter-syndrome, 24-hour sugar diet where, in spite of our admittedly having been bit by the health bug (it looks a little like a praying mantis), we will consume nothing but unadulterated, super-processed, bleached and tasty-as-fuq saccharine.
As with all diets, there are rules. And first things first: if you plan to do this too, you should know that there is no fiscal upswing. I spent $35.11 on chocolate and candy yesterday, which is more than I usually spend on my lame-ass salad-for-lunch and raw-cashews-for-snack. Also, similar to the Tequila Diet, there will be no water. In fact, there will be no form of nourishment that can potentially be construed as healthy at all. And finally, …actually, I think that’s it.
Ready? Here we go.
Leandra: If *NSYNC was sick and tired of hearing all “those” people talk about pop life, I’m sick of not just hearing or talking about the no sugar life — but living it, too. It was absolutely thrilling to put a Domino sugar in my coffee this morning. I usually have a fruit salad for breakfast which today is against the rules so I’m improvising with artificial, plastic-y gummies that look like fruit (see: image 1) and I am 99% sure that by 11AM, my heart will be falling out of my chest.
Oh! Also! Amelia was all excited and shit to drink a smoothie from Organic Avenue as her “sugar splurge” this morning. On a scale from 1 to you’re-so-lame-you’re-fired, where do you think she falls? Bear in mind she’s also late for work.
Amelia: Everybody just relax. I was in under the wire, AND, because we mandated no healthy stuff, I got an iced SOY latte (woo crazy but seriously that has so much sugar) instead of the Organic Avenue smoothie, and a panic-ordered muffin with powdered sugar all over it.
When my mom got remarried, I was 6-years-old and assigned to be the flower girl. The morning of the wedding our house was so insane trying to get everyone ready and out the door that I tested my luck and asked if I could eat marshmallows for breakfast. She said yes, and that’s probably the happiest and most excited I have ever been…until today, when I essentially gave my 26-year-old self permission to more or less eat marshmallows for breakfast.
Leandra: This was so much fun until about 16 minutes ago. I already bent the no water rule. There is no way I can do this without water. It’s only 11AM and I have consumed approximately four chocolate balls full of butterfinger and three micro-sized fruits made of glucose. My heart is beating really, really fast and my vision seems to be going.
Just popped another butterfinger ball. Mmm.
Amelia: My heart is beating so fast and my stomach hurts because thus far I have had that aforementioned muffin (normally I eat a HARD BOILED EGG for breakfast) plus a handful of chocolate peanut butter things and half of my crack-sugar-coffee. True to the diet (LEANDRA) I have not had any non-caffeinated or non-sugared liquid yet and so I feel like Edgar in Men In Black when the alien takes over his body and he requests water.
Leandra: I just circled this office 16 times trying to calm myself down. Focusing is so difficult and Amelia keeps talking about how she is going to do this to her kid when he/she exists so that he/she never deigns to ask for candy.
Most recently, I ate a multi-colored sour belt, which was terrific while it was going down but has proven incredibly vile in the post-consumption, pre-digestion period. My heart might explode out of my heart and what I thought would be the best idea OF.MY.LIFE has quickly proven itself one of the worst — right up there with bangs in 2007 and this guy I dated the summer after my sophomore year of college. (And in case you’re wondering, those shorts are Sally LaPointe.)
Amelia: Teen Dream Team, I don’t know if you guys know this about me but I’ve been 100% off sugar prior to this diet and I really, truly, and honestly, want to die right now. I blacked out and wrote a post dissecting Drake’ new song after my 10th Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, and then I ran 100 laps around the office and then I smashed the keyboard like THIS: OEUGHQEIO oIAWJOIJROIWH fiowrg !!!!@#T$ye56ijhgqwjkumnbwdjiow4gEIoekljrggEWLelhohw and thenibrokethespacebar.
Here’s what I look like:
ALL I WANT IS NOT SWEET.
Amelia: I just ate a ton of rock candy and realized I also consumed the string on which it’s attached.
Leandra: About twenty minutes ago, I could not stop dancing and running around this office but currently, I am feeling really sick. To combat the feeling, I keep eating but I think I’m putting a Band-Aid on a wound that needs stitches.
We’ve had about four messengers come in today and I’ve offered all of them candy. They have all accepted and I feel like a renaissance woman even though I basically sent them off with poison. Poison I am pretty sure I will never want to eat again. Chocolate is actually still going down strong, with the cookies covered in it currently staking their claim as the purported reason my lower back is aching. There is supposed to be a story going up in 36 minutes but I’d be hard-pressed to think I’ll get it up on time.
My body is so mad at me. I am so mad at me.
Leandra: So, funny thing. I just realized I didn’t brush my teeth this morning.
Told you the 3PM wouldn’t be up by 3.
Amelia: It’s 3:11! Just like the band! This is what I had for lunch:
Amelia: At 3:30 Leandra and I ran to conduct an interview where our brains more or less melted out of our heads. She chugged a bottle of water and I stared at her longingly via my peripheral vision but couldn’t form the words to ask for a sip.
And then, when the interview ended, the hangover started. The come down. The full blown, all out withdrawal symptoms that come from back to back sugar consumption and then an hour and a half break. I think. WHO KNOWS what scientifically happened but it was as if we’d been day drinking all day because suddenly we needed tacos. Two fish tacos a piece to be specific, plus a plate of yucca fries.
I am either about to puke for real or never eat again…
Leandra: Never in my life did I believe that “diet cheating” would involve a big ass salad. All I want is salad. Give me a fucking tomato. And an avocado. I didn’t cheat but I wanted to and I have been forced to believe that the sugar diet is actually just another version of the no-sugar diet under a more elusive guise. Eating this way today has made me feel like the most unproductive, erratic and irrational version of myself. I was up, then I was down. Then I was really up, then I went way, way down.
Food is not supposed to make the human body feel like this as far as I can tell. My heart is thumping but my eyes are closing and my left ankle is tingling and I can’t sequence together a single series of thoughts, which is really difficult when you call yourself a writer. Or blogger. Whatever.
The moral of the story is this: edible poison is so 2013. BRING ON THE SWISS CHARD.