We’re Trying the Sugar Diet

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by The Writers
June 3, 2014
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Whoever said the best things in life are free must have owned a sugarcane farm.

Disclaimer: I stole this post’s promo from an Instagram caption that Sophie Milrom, resident man repeller and kale expert, has been backlogging for months in relation to cashews and cashew farms.

How many “I Tried the No Sugar Diet” stories have you read in the last month? If you’re still counting, that’s three too many, which, frankly, isn’t to say that they’re bad. As a matter of fact, several have proven incredibly informative. I loved hearing about that English family and their newfangled, post-30-day-setox (sugar detox) energy levels last month. And that Norwegian woman, with her effusive attitude toward parsnips? So cool.

It’s just that, my mom is right. Americans suck at moderation and if we start indulging in full-blown no sugar diets, which will mean we can’t even consume fruit, there will inevitably follow a severe backlash which will leave us right back at Square A, counting the cardiac disease and cancer cases of America with a heavy heart and frustrated foot.

This is why Amelia and I bring you the anti-peanut-butter-syndrome, 24-hour sugar diet where, in spite of our admittedly having been bit by the health bug (it looks a little like a praying mantis), we will consume nothing but unadulterated, super-processed, bleached and tasty-as-fuq saccharine.

As with all diets, there are rules. And first things first: if you plan to do this too, you should know that there is no fiscal upswing. I spent $35.11 on chocolate and candy yesterday, which is more than I usually spend on my lame-ass salad-for-lunch and raw-cashews-for-snack. Also, similar to the Tequila Diet, there will be no water. In fact, there will be no form of nourishment that can potentially be construed as healthy at all. And finally, …actually, I think that’s it.

Ready? Here we go.

9:44AM:

Leandra: If *NSYNC was sick and tired of hearing all “those” people talk about pop life, I’m sick of not just hearing or talking about the no sugar life – but living it, too. It was absolutely thrilling to put a Domino sugar in my coffee this morning. I usually have a fruit salad for breakfast which today is against the rules so I’m improvising with artificial, plastic-y gummies that look like fruit (see: image 1) and I am 99% sure that by 11AM, my heart will be falling out of my chest.

Oh! Also! Amelia was all excited and shit to drink a smoothie from Organic Avenue as her “sugar splurge” this morning. On a scale from 1 to you’re-so-lame-you’re-fired, where do you think she falls? Bear in mind she’s also late for work.

10:00 AM:

Amelia: Everybody just relax. I was in under the wire, AND, because we mandated no healthy stuff, I got an iced SOY latte (woo crazy but seriously that has so much sugar) instead of the Organic Avenue smoothie, and a panic-ordered muffin with powdered sugar all over it.

When my mom got remarried, I was 6-years-old and assigned to be the flower girl. The morning of the wedding our house was so insane trying to get everyone ready and out the door that I tested my luck and asked if I could eat marshmallows for breakfast. She said yes, and that’s probably the happiest and most excited I have ever been…until today, when I essentially gave my 26-year-old self permission to more or less eat marshmallows for breakfast.

11:14AM:

Leandra: This was so much fun until about 16 minutes ago. I already bent the no water rule. There is no way I can do this without water. It’s only 11AM and I have consumed approximately four chocolate balls full of butterfinger and three micro-sized fruits made of glucose. My heart is beating really, really fast and my vision seems to be going.

Going.

Going.

Just popped another butterfinger ball. Mmm.

Amelia: My heart is beating so fast and my stomach hurts because thus far I have had that aforementioned muffin (normally I eat a HARD BOILED EGG for breakfast) plus a handful of chocolate peanut butter things and half of my crack-sugar-coffee. True to the diet (LEANDRA) I have not had any non-caffeinated or non-sugared liquid yet and so I feel like Edgar in Men In Black when the alien takes over his body and he requests water.

12:20PM: 

Leandra: I just circled this office 16 times trying to calm myself down. Focusing is so difficult and Amelia keeps talking about how she is going to do this to her kid when he/she exists so that he/she never deigns to ask for candy.

unnamed

Most recently, I ate a multi-colored sour belt, which was terrific while it was going down but has proven incredibly vile in the post-consumption, pre-digestion period. My heart might explode out of my heart and what I thought would be the best idea OF.MY.LIFE has quickly proven itself one of the worst — right up there with bangs in 2007 and this guy I dated the summer after my sophomore year of college. (And in case you’re wondering, those shorts are Sally LaPointe.)

1:16

Amelia: Teen Dream Team, I don’t know if you guys know this about me but I’ve been 100% off sugar prior to this diet and I really, truly, and honestly, want to die right now. I blacked out and wrote a post dissecting Drake’ new song after my 10th Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, and then I ran 100 laps around the office and then I smashed the keyboard like THIS: OEUGHQEIO oIAWJOIJROIWH fiowrg !!!!@#T$ye56ijhgqwjkumnbwdjiow4gEIoekljrggEWLelhohw and thenibrokethespacebar.

Here’s what I look like:

tumblr_inline_n4dua59zuc1r1w0hm

ALL I WANT IS NOT SWEET.

1:29

Amelia: I just ate a ton of rock candy and realized I also consumed the string on which it’s attached.

2:25:

So. Much. Sugar.

Leandra: About twenty minutes ago, I could not stop dancing and running around this office but currently, I am feeling really sick. To combat the feeling, I keep eating but I think I’m putting a Band-Aid on a wound that needs stitches.

We’ve had about four messengers come in today and I’ve offered all of them candy. They have all accepted and I feel like a renaissance woman even though I basically sent them off with poison. Poison I am pretty sure I will never want to eat again. Chocolate is actually still going down strong, with the cookies covered in it currently staking their claim as the purported reason my lower back is aching. There is supposed to be a story going up in 36 minutes but I’d be hard-pressed to think I’ll get it up on time.

My body is so mad at me. I am so mad at me.

3:02:

Leandra: So, funny thing. I just realized I didn’t brush my teeth this morning

3:06:

Told you the 3PM wouldn’t be up by 3.

3:11

Amelia: It’s 3:11! Just like the band! This is what I had for lunch:

5:14

Amelia: At 3:30 Leandra and I ran to conduct an interview where our brains more or less melted out of our heads. She chugged a bottle of water and I stared at her longingly via my peripheral vision but couldn’t form the words to ask for a sip.

And then, when the interview ended, the hangover started. The come down. The full blown, all out withdrawal symptoms that come from back to back sugar consumption and then an hour and a half break. I think. WHO KNOWS what scientifically happened but it was as if we’d been day drinking all day because suddenly we needed tacos. Two fish tacos a piece to be specific, plus a plate of yucca fries.

I am either about to puke for real or never eat again…

5:38:

Leandra: Never in my life did I believe that “diet cheating” would involve a big ass salad. All I want is salad. Give me a fucking tomato. And an avocado. I didn’t cheat but I wanted to and I have been forced to believe that the sugar diet is actually just another version of the no-sugar diet under a more elusive guise. Eating this way today has made me feel like the most unproductive, erratic and irrational version of myself. I was up, then I was down. Then I was really up, then I went way, way down.

Food is not supposed to make the human body feel like this as far as I can tell. My heart is thumping but my eyes are closing and my left ankle is tingling and I can’t sequence together a single series of thoughts, which is really difficult when you call yourself a writer. Or blogger. Whatever.

The moral of the story is this: edible poison is so 2013. BRING ON THE SWISS CHARD.

REPLIES
  • ee_by_cc

    Well, if you’re gonna do it to it, then you gotta go balls out. Good luck with your experiment, sounds like a Willy Wonka dream. :)

    http://www.enduringethereal.com

  • Hereshoping Themayanswereright

    You need to get the Chocolate Dream Cake from Whole Foods bakery – it is HEAVENLY.

    • Amelia Diamond

      what is that i want that

      • Hereshoping Themayanswereright

        Chocolate cake layered with chocolate mousse, topped with chocolate ganache. I cannot even express to you how fking delicious it is.

  • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

    If you guys die in this process, who’s gonna run this site?
    I just don’t want it to become the community blog for, say, Sour Patch Kids.

    And if you’re not joking about the water thing then you should be. Sugar weakens the immune system and muscles. I don’t think one day will have adverse effects at all, but by god a Charley Horse hurts like hell.

    • Leandra Medine

      We will not die! Our immune systems are solid as a chia plant.

      • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

        Phew! Okay! Go get ‘em, womyn!

    • Quinn Halman

      You guys should’ve listened to Emma

      • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

        Thx for tha support, Quinn. Both water and death were mentioned in their exposé several times…can’t say we didn’t warn.

  • Madison

    Love how this plays on how extreme society has become about our diets, crazy!
    Madison
    http://patternsandpearls.com

  • http://alcessa.wordpress.com/ alcessa

    It looks like a non-vegetarian sugar orgy to me (Or is there no gelatine made of pigs trotters in there?) – hard stuff! :-)

  • Dancingcheektocheek

    I recommend C&H Professional Ultrafine Pure Cane Sugar for baking, blending & the occasional beverage. The hard sugar cubes (not those that dissolve immediately) that you may place on your tongue and keep in your mouth while drinking tea are great, add sweetness and help the drinker avoid tooth decay (and possibly diabetes?). Also,

    • Amelia Diamond

      mmmmmm

  • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

    can you pass me a sour patch kid watermelon real quick

    • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

      Ugh those lil buggers are delish

  • mekeesha

    i hope this post is updated to show how the entire day went. :)

    and it also reminds me of romy and michele’s high school reunion when romy says she had lost weight in the past six days because she was on a new fat free diet she invented that consisted only of gummy bears, jelly beans, and candy corns.

    • Amelia Diamond

      we’ll be updating !!

  • Elisa Taviti
  • Mallory

    Hope you don’t mind that I stole one of those images for my Twitter profile header. #delicious

  • ITGNick

    WAIT WHY WAS I NOT INVITED TO THIS

    • Leandra Medine

      Come over Naxel

  • http://www.fashionsake.com/ Alex @ Fashionsake!

    I am SO doing this!!!

    http://www.fashionsake.com

  • http://www.strippedchic.com/ Shannon Kearns

    I’ve never seen anyone look so smokin’ eating a rainbow rope. (I personally prefer blue raspberry to the rainbow rope). Excited to read the results of this little case-study.
    http://www.strippedchic.com

  • Shelby Louise

    The next diet I want to see is the all-carb diet, pretty please.

    • Amelia Diamond

      That diet is also known as Amelia Hungover on a Saturday. Your wish is our command!

  • Giuliana Lajules

    There you go. MR LAST POST.

    • Leandra Medine

      Are you giving up on us?

  • Maureen Krezel French

    true comedy. i could barely get through this…this past weekend my daughter graduated from High School….and when we were ordering food for our drinking festival to celebrate, she spotted a kids platter that included PBJ crustless sandwiches garnished with gummy worms and gummy bears. Knowing that the PB&J would go to waste, I ditched the idea and went straight to Party City and bought her a 5 pound bag of gummy worms, stuck them in a large bowl and onto the buffet table, in plain view of my nieces and nephews…my sisters-in-law really wanted to care…but again, it was a drinking festival, so they didn’t…..gummy worms were being downed at record paces, not only by the little tikes, but by everyone, including my 80 something aunts! sheer fun a sugar high is…until its not….detox tomorrow! have fun today.

  • Maureen Krezel French

    and another thought…I heard that Vodka soaked skittles are a bit of a rage latley, so in the spirit of the all tequila diet…maybe you can try combing the 2 for a day!!!!

    • Amelia Diamond

      vodka soaked skittles?!?!?

      • Quinn Halman

        or gummy bears!

        • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

          I saw this guy on public transit who was very clearly enjoying alcoholic gummy bears.

      • Maureen Krezel French

        I swear, my goody too shoes daughter went down the shore…post prom and her “rebel” friend brought out the vodka and skittles….fortunately she found them to be repulsive!!

  • http://www.honeystuck.com/ Katie Levans (www.honeystuck.c

    Please do a carb one, PLEASE.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Yes MA’AM

  • thebalancingunicorn

    If you’re doing this you might as well go all out; Ben & Jerry’s, Ben & Jerrys I tell you. nom nom nom

  • Brianna

    Where is this shirt from!!!!!

  • Alyse

    Rummy bears – always a good decision on a sugar infused stomach

  • Lucy

    HAVE YOU TURNED INTO EDGAR YET?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nywEwS6xitY&sns=em

    • Amelia Diamond

      Yes, only instead of “sugar” I am asking for a stomach pump

  • Elena

    Peanut M&Ms have never sounded more unappealing…

  • Yna

    You realise Carbs=sugar and had you decided to consume fruit all day instead of disgusting refined/artificial sugar you would have felt amazing. You should Google freelee the banana girl. You can eat all the Carbs you want provided you keep the ratio of fat you eat too a minimum (e.g. All those cashews and avocados)

    Rice=life

    • Leandra Medine

      well the point was not to be eating fructose which is the natural sugar present in fruit. we went to the glucose route

      • Yna

        Fruit is actually full of glucose and fructose. The brain runs purely on glucose! Those lollies were made from super processed corn …probably high fructose corn syrup

        • Leandra Medine

          I’m so hollow. You get what I mean though right!

  • Eduardo Rolo

    I feel heavier only reading it… You guys should do a “munchies” diet, just saying!

  • http://www.fullbellywornsoles.com/ Michelle Panting

    This was highly entertaining. Also, you make candy seem totally disgusting. Which it really is in these quantities. Even if you’re eight.

    http://www.fullbellywornsoles.com

  • BasketCase

    Sounds like you guys tried to recreate finals week sans the flashcards and tears! Cappuccinos and candy alllll day

  • http://www.fancyalterego.wordpress.com/ Heather P.

    Thanks for biting the bullet for us?

    I hope you all got some sleep that night!

  • http://www.lezu.com/ L’ezu

    This just looks like fun! http://www.LEZU.com

  • Kasia

    LEE ANN DRUHH
    For the love of fructose, do tell us where your torso adornment hails from?

    • Leandra Medine

      Celine via YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX

      • Kasia

        YOU ARE SOOOO PERFFF. FANK YEW.

  • flynn

    that english woman substituted maldextrin for sugar which is like shooting up.Straight to your insulin level!

  • tunie

    Next, do a day of all these to see how it compares to your full-on sugar day:

    http://www.forbes.com/2006/03/14/hershey-health-candy-cx_sy_0315feat_ls.html
    http://getunreal.com/

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