Salute Your Shorts
Or should your shorts salute you?
A recurring problem I have found in the 25 years that I have been human, which should imply several things like the presence of two legs and therefore a necessity for pant holes in couples, not singles, is that finding those pant holes, especially when they are not just cropped but micro is not difficult at all.
I realize that on the surface, this doesn’t seem like a problem but consider that there is such a surplus of shorts in the market, it’s more common to turn a corner and spot a one-legged alien than it is to turn into a shop and find that there are no shorts for sale.
So the obvious issue would be choice, right? There’s just so much of it, which ones do you buy? But one layer deeper, post-consumption, there is the larger, oft-disregarded and contradictory problem of ease that litters a woman’s ability to put an Outfit with a capital O together, thus making it harder.
Why? Because we get lazy. You’re wearing a pair of denim cut offs, right? Are you really considering how interesting a knee length sheer dress could look over it? How about a striped shirt tied around your waist to create the illusion of skirt-over-peeping-shorts? And the tops! When is the last time you reached for the fringe in place of the cotton? Sometimes, when I’m getting dressed, I wonder if this is how Moses felt when he went for the coal instead of the gold.
I’m making the conscious decision to henceforth go for the gold though and these five outfits should serve as an indication of just that. Let’s unpack:
Look 1 includes army shorts by Steven Alan or as I like to call them Shorts Your Mom Would Wear. In order to evolve past looking like a woman literally old enough to be your mom, identify the things you own that she would never wear. Case in point: a white long sleeve crop top with an orange layer of fringe. If something spills on the floor, you can also get down and do the worm with your makeshift mop. Compliment the orange with a bright-ish blue shirt tied around your waist and shiny-ass shoes that make no sense and therefore dollars. Get it? The sunglasses are deliberately quotidian.
Cotton shirt, be damned! Look #2 includes the aforementioned denim cut offs festooned with a white button up (if you don’t have one might I recommend your getting one?) and layered under a sheer navy tunic with side slits that make it apparent you’re not wearing a dress.
In look #3 I am screaming “take me to the beach!” in a sari that can be worn 536274 ways but for the purpose of today has chosen to call itself family next to a pair of white skirt shorts, a muscle tank, and a hat. I don’t actually recommend going to the beach like this but I also don’t not recommend it.
Look #4 might actually throw you for a loop because the shorts-on-steroids are an un-easy focal point that call for nothing more, nothing less than a denim shirt and elegant sandals. Actually, they call for a little more which manifests as timid gold chains that would infuriate Mr. T but should sit quite well with you.
And finally! We’ve got our diaper. Because looking put-together doesn’t have to mean a sari, or orange fringe, or sparkly shoes, I’d like to propose that you consider a short sleeve polo should you be venturing out in satin underwear any time soon. Said panties will also compliment a pair of espadrilles — the shoes of summer, if you will, and a backpack, too.
Sweeping conclusion? Shorts are easy, don’t be lazy. If you’re the craziest looking person in the room, guess what? You’ve just won it.