This is Your Brain on Planets

by Amelia Diamond
June 4, 2014
READ NEXT

The Mercury retrograde is back, takin a nap.

manrepeller_gemini (1)

Man do I wish we were at a Chevys right now so I could whisper to the waiter that it was “someone’s birthday!” while cheekily pointing at a nearby Gemini, and then 15 minutes later watch as a stampede of waiters parade out singing the Tex-Mex chain’s trademarked b-day song while slamming a giant sombrero on the Twin Sign’s head. Wouldn’t that be divine?

As a general note, Mercury’s retrograding which means we need to accept the summer chillll. Also, June 24th is going to suck for everyone. I suggest we all stay in bed that day and Netflix it up until the shit show is over.

Other than that — Chevys waiter! Kindly hand me a Susan Miller Margarita and let’s get started! 

Gemini 

Per the promo, Mercury’s going back into retrograde, but Suz encourages you to be glad about it because it means June’s gonna be chiller than a cucumber dipped in tzatziki. Use this as a time to look back at it. (The past. Not your butt. Though do that too!) Watch your words on June 24 — people around you will take everything the wrong way. Ask for a raise on June 27. Finally, this is going to be a highly romantic month for you, which I feel like Susan always predicts for your sign…actually, general question to all my Geminis: are your dance cards permanently full, or do we think Suz has a crush on a Gem and she’s just dropping monthly hints? LMK down below. HBD!

Cancer  

You have a bodyguard, and his name is Jupiter. It’s your last month being protected by the planet, so enjoy every minute of it, you Whitney Houston of the Astrological World. Suz encourages a staycation this month rather than a vaycation, claiming that the first 10 days of June are best spent meditating. If I were you I’d just ignore her. She does say the rest of the month is sparkly, socially-speaking, BUTTT, don’t have a party on that stupid June 24th day as your guests are likely to start a food fight. Three days later, however, you’re getting a new moon and a big fat solar kiss. Pucker up!

Leo

Susan really wants you to daydream this month. She sort of doesn’t shut up about it the whole way through so I guess this means you can nap at work and then blame it on her. Don’t sign papers this month. Don’t buy an iPad or Galaxy S5 on the 24th.  Apparently you also “desperately need fun.” Raise your hand if you feel offended. If you, like Allie from The Notebook, have been crying that you don’t paint anymore, get to it. The end of the month looks awesome for your creative ass, so I’ll be accepting various renderings of myself via email now until July.

Virgo 

Choose your favorite outfits to wear to work, dear Virgo, for in early June, your career will light up the night sky. You will be on fire!” What an opening of your ‘scope, you guys. Sounds like a trip to Talbots is in order! Embrace the hustle for real though, and make that money. Don’t travel in early June. Like Leo, don’t buy new technology. (Maybe both of you should invest in an Otter Box to be safe.) “It behooves you to buzz around at events as much as possible,” she says of the end of June. Which I mostly just told you because when in the hell does one get to say “behooves”? Not enough, that’s for dang sure.

Libra

Bust out that hawaiian shirt and take a vacation — it sounds like you had a rough couple of months. (Don’t have to tell you twice, amiright?) She talks about Mars being a hungover boy back in the middle of May who keeps asking for cups of coffee, so in all honestly my eyes glazed over and I was just like, Susan, what? (Perhaps you do that when reading me too…uh…) But she does say “sexy Mars” is in Libra which gives you the power of attraction, and that the movement of Venus to Gemini will be a “boon” to your love life. Who knows what a boon is. It sounds like bone. Have fun be safe!

Scorpio

According to $usan, “as a Scorpio, you are known to be a brilliant strategist.” (You know who else is a strategizing, chess-playing Scorpio? Drake.) So use the quietness of June to consider upcoming options so you chose the best one. Focus on money management. Get rich or die trying. Don’t die actually, not worth it for the paper. Here’s a gross sentence she wrote regarding a full moon on June 12: “This full moon has a delicious vibe from Uranus, planet of surprise.” Potential butt jokes aside, she predicts that surprise might be a nice check, a valuable gift, or a great bargain. It is sale season, after all. And your feet aren’t going to shoe themselves.

Sagittarius 

With Mercury in retrograde, Susan writes that “you will have a free ‘get out of jail’ card (from the Monopoly board game)” — thanks for the reference, never would have gotten it on our own, Suz —  and to really make the most out of it. This is strange because she told another sign that if they don’t leave town soon enough, they might end up IN jail. So. You’re the lucky one! Career-wise, don’t be afraid to get really, really creative this month. The more out-there your ideas are, the stronger chance they have for approval. Something tells me whoever does advertising for Starburst and Skittles must be a Sag. Like Sophie said this morning, let your niche flag fly.

Capricorn

You may find yourself backtracking a bit this month: on love connections, on business relationships, on assignments. My advice? Strap on a pair of roller blades and flip it in reverse a la Missy Elliott because everyone’s going on the same ride. Speaking of roller blading, now’s a great time to work on your fitness. (She also thinks it’s a good time to go to the dentist, get your shots, bla bla bla.) June 18th is going to be a “VERY” romantic day, so I’d call up an Aquarius and rekindle an old fashioned Mercury-Retrograde-flame. On the 27th, you’ll be hashtag — her words, not mine — “blessed.” 

Aquarius

Susan encourages your sign to flock to “resort type weekend locations” early in June as it will be a special time for you “if you have no one to love.” (Be more harsh, Sus. My invisible CAT loves me.) Some places she suggests: Hamptons, the New Jersey shore, Cape Cod, Nantucket, or Martha’s Vineyard, “as a few examples.” Well how about you take me with you, you know, as an example. From June 23-July 18th your loins are really going to be on fire, and you’ll meet not one but TWO interesting people. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: kiss a lot of frogs, but don’t get mono.

Pisces

April and May were “loud, busy, sweaty months” for you, according to DJ Susan Miller. Does that mean you spent a lot of time in and/or around Ibiza? How about Lavo? Perhaps the ball pit at Burger King? Whatever you did — no judgement though — use Mercury’s retrograde to take a knee and put the glow sticks down. Paint your living room instead! Clear out clutter! Prep yourself for June 12 when something awesome is going to happen career-wise! Rethink any relationships (love in a hopeless place, perhaps?) that you entered into too quickly, because June 27 is about to get “VERY” romantic, Suz writes in all caps. Bow-chicka-NEP-TUNE.

Aries

Meetings are going to get cancelled this month because of Mercury, which is my personal favorite thing ever. Let’s hope this means annoying after-work-engagements get kiboshed as well, because is there anything better on this PLANET than a cancellation? No. In other news, if you’re writing something, get an editor. In even more pressing news, Suzy says “If you do not travel over the full moon period June 12, you may be involved in a legal matter instead.” Which means you have 8 days to commit a crime and then get the hell out of town.

Taurus

Susan Miller begins our ‘scope by playing Two Lies and a Truth. Can you guess which one is the truth? A) “I never hear a Taurus complain,” B) “Complaining doesn’t help – it makes you feel worse.” and C) “all who meet you find you so loveable.”

C. The answer is obviously C.

Moving on, it’s a good month to travel, make doctors’ appointments (ahhahahh), and is the ideal time to ask for a rai$e. As for June 18th? Circle it in gold because good stuff’s gonna happen.

Finally, not to be awkward, but Susan kind of hinted that some of you guys have been tweeting at her that dates she predicted were wrong. (I will not participate as to whether or not I have done the same. . .) She reminds us all that nothing is predetermined and we have to use elbow grease to activate the astrological powers. My question is: does coconut oil work as well? 

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej 

REPLIES
  • Cassandra Vallée

    Yayy! And it’s my birthday today! :)

    • Cassandra Vallée

      I WANT A MARGARITA hahaha

      • Amelia Diamond

        HAPPY BIRTHDAY! ONE SUSAN MILLER MARGARITA COMIN UP!

    • The Provoker

      ME TOO!!!

  • http://www.ashliwithaneye.com Ashli Pollard

    which sign is March 12?

    • Amelia Diamond

      Pisces!

  • Kelly’s Gross-o

    What in tarnation is the past tense of “behoove”?

    Behoofen….ed…eth… Well anyway.

    • Amelia Diamond

      behooved? or. yea. let’s go with Behoofenedeth.

  • http://www.fancyalterego.wordpress.com/ Heather P.

    My birthday was yesterday, and I successfully avoided being sung to. However, my parents are taking me out to dinner this weekend…so…I’m sure they’ll insist on the whole song and whatever. ;-)

    Lucky for me, we’re going to one of my favorite Italian restaurants who have the most amazing desserts, so I’ll be eyeballs-deep in a bowl of gelato while they’re singing away!

    I’ll mark my calendar for the 24th, and we can all ride out the shit storm together!

    • Amelia Diamond

      HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HEATHER P HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

      • http://www.fancyalterego.wordpress.com/ Heather P.

        *shyly smiles* Thanks!

  • hi_itsgabby

    So apparently I’m allowed to continue to stalk Vogue.com during their Wedding-pallozza?! That will be my excuse for emotionally cutting. Additionally, I will draw nothing for you. Is it obvious who I am when I post? Should I be doing less?

    • Amelia Diamond

      Do more

      • yolauren88

        Amelia, you can slam the giant sombrero on me at my bday party this month. I am your dear gemini friend. -LY

  • Charlotte Fassler

    There is a full moon on my birthday (june 12th) WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!?

    • Amelia Diamond

      A new beginning! It’s gonna be really festive. You may wear a party hat. You may get engaged!

  • Giuliana Lajules

    BOOOOON! Thank you so much for doing this, Amelia!

  • Lisa Gonzalez

    love!

  • s
  • http://alcessa.wordpress.com/ alcessa

    Ooooo …. I so needed that free ‘get out of jail’ card” Thank you, Susamelia! :-)

  • http://www.niceandcleanfulham.co.uk/ heather gilmour

    :) That was the horoscope I enjoyed the most :)
    One off Cleaning Kingston

  • Elisa Taviti
  • MargaretInArabia

    Love your redacted version…better than reading whole thing.

  • http://instagram.com/funshine_sky bunnygrrrl3000

    Pieces here: it’s fairly likely that I will get the fellowship of my dreams on June 12th… In which case I will be a forever worshipper of Susan Miller

  • http://tragiccouturist.blogspot.ca Tiffany Dillon

    I don’t get it? what happens on June 24th? because I checked the ephemeris and read my daily horoscope and it didn’t say anything bad about that date? is there something that I don’t get?