The Many Clichés of Tinder

And this barely scratches the surface.

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If you are looking for the quickest way to have your soul sucked into a deep, digital abyss for hours on end only to come out of the trance cross-eyed and slightly more skeptical of humanity than you were before, I highly suggest you download Tinder.

What’s great about Tinder, however, and why I spent the entire duration of a three hour movie one time swiping through its Rolodex, is that it’s not so much about meeting someone new as it is about discovering the weird and sometimes esoteric trends among these pioneering men, such as…

The Ostrich Equestrian

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Ah yes. The Ostrich Equestrian is a Tinder classic, because nothing says romance quite like a man straddling prehistoric birds. I know that for me personally, when a guy doesn’t lead with his OE pic but rather slips it in around photo number three or four, I’m sold. It’s such a subtle touch that says, “I’m not gonna jump right out immediately and brag, but I am going to let you know: I can ride.

The Urban Fisherman

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I would love to meet the two guys who were consulting one another for dating counsel and accidentally spawned what has to be the strangest advice resulting in the most proliferated theme of Tinder: “Dude. Chicks love giant trout. Trust me.”

The Obama

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That photo of you shaking hands with Obama says, “I have moderate political aspirations and may talk about them on a first date.” It also kind of says, “If I’m good enough to meet Obama, I’m probably good enough to meet you.” That may very well be true, but since about 8 billion of you have the same picture in the same pose, try adding some clip art or glitter or something. Nice blazer, though.

The Iron Throne Takeover

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You do know the tagline of Game of Thrones is “All Men Must Die,” right? Maybe choose a friendlier chair. One that doesn’t subconsciously evoke murder or hint at the fact that you waited in a line for 24 hours to sit on a prop replica.

The Maury Povich Paternity Test

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If your photo needs clarification, i.e. “Kid in the pic is my nephew, not my son, LOL,” then don’t post it. No one can see taglines unless they click on your picture, and if someone’s rapid-fire swiping with abandon, mark my words, they don’t have time for the whole paternity-test reveal. Besides, that baby doesn’t need to be on Tinder yet. Let him have his youth.

Famous by Association

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No woman has ever thought to herself, “I’m pretty sure that guy is a serial killer, but since he’s posing with Bethenny Frankel and Drake, I’m in.” 

The Headshot 

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So, I’m confused. Was this photo taken for your LinkedIn, your acting portfolio, or as a gift for your mom that transitioned into your multi-purpose profile picture? Do you always wear sensibly-colored t-shirts in skin-flattering palettes such as dusty purple and sage? I’m not hating, but I am asking.

Siegfried & Roy, Before the Accident

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A LOT of you have photos with tigers. These tigers appear to be laying down, just chilling in the sun having a late afternoon nap, not minding too much that you’re squatting next to them like a Cub Scout troop leader in cargo shorts pointing out edible mushrooms, but hasn’t the violent tale of the mauled magician taught you anything? Or are you trying to subtly hint that your middle name is danger?

Note: The Tinder Tiger is often accompanied with the line, “I love adventure.” Guess what? I don’t.

The Lonely Boy

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Where are your friends? All you need is one. One friend to sling your arm over, and one stranger to take your photo. How do you think girls get so many pictures of themselves? We ask the first poor, unsuspecting human we spot walking down the street with a free hand and then count on the fact that there are still a few good people out there in this world who won’t steal our iPhone while we’re fixing our hair. Please do this, for the sake of your love life. There’s something far too sad about you standing alone in that dingy bathroom with poor lighting while flexing your facial abs.

Englishman in New York 

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Men. Englishmen. Do you know how many of you there are in New York and more specifically, on Tinder?  Is there some sort of Englishmen in New York convention you attend each year in order to assign online dating profile hobbies with an artistic edge? “Ok, Simon, you take ‘freelance photographer.’ Nathaniel, can you be ‘singer/songwriter’? Ah, you’re sick of that one. Ok. What about, ‘Painter of the heart’? Yes? Fantastic. One last thing — for anyone moving to Los Angeles, Englishmen of LA convene in this same room but on Wednesdays. Meeting adjourned.”

Illustrations by the one and only Charlotte Fassler. Let’s give it up for motorskills!

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Thoughts?
  • Caitlin

    LOVE the trout and the nephew ones – it’s SO true!

  • Julia

    This is too funny… I’m dying at the Englishmen.

  • Maddie

    Does anyone else “Tinder Burst” (new term, kinda like it)? It happens when I get 5+ non-matches in a row, and then I sort of just aggressively swipe right, angrily blaming Tinder for the “mishap.” After the occasional Tinder Burst, I generally end up with 3 EO’s, at least 2 of “The Obama” breed (sometimes a Chaney throwback), and a few of “The Headshot” genre (I try to resist but that gaze just gets me sometimes – it simultaneously says, “let me serenade you with 2011 Jason Mraz ballads” and “we can share wardrobes”).

    • James

      yes! haha the guy on tinderguru.com actually mentioned it in his last post

  • Ashley Alt

    This is fucking hilarious.

  • Alisa

    Also – “Aussie abroad.” Seriously, is anyone left in Australia?!

    • Amelia Diamond

      hahahahaahahahahahahahhaah

  • Nancy

    WHAT is with all the ostriches?! I noticed that, as well. Additionally, I only Tinder on vacation, so I have noted some interesting regional differences. In the South, for example, every guy has a hunting trophy photo and a name like Cole, Austin, Nate, or Bo. As you move west, more hiking photos prevail until you finally reach the coast and there’s a distinct ocean-theme.

    • Amelia Diamond

      fascinating. you’re a tinder anthropologist.

      • Nancy

        Unsurprisingly, I’m also an actual anthropologist.

  • therealdp

    good one amilli

    • Amelia Diamond

      D!

  • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

    these are amazing, char and $$!! I’l add skydiving pros and service trips to the list.

    my tag line used to say something like “i’m probably already googling you” one kid asked what google said about him, and at 2am I resonded with, “it says you got arrested for raising koala bears to fight each other for 3k per match” … i have since deleted the app because like WHAT WAS THAT.

    • Charlotte Fassler

      bahahahahahah!!

    • Amelia Diamond

      hahahahahahahahahahah

  • Sophie

    Ha ha this is brilliant. I wish i was single so I could do Tinder. Then again, my flatmate showed me a guy’s profile the other day. His profile pic was his penis ejaculating. I shit you not.

    Sophie x

    http://www.yourgirlislovely.com

  • shelbylouise

    Ah, the famous Thailand tigers. Happy to confirm that I’m from Canada and at least 1 of 10 tindees feature the poor cats.

    To me, it says “prior to ingesting questionable mind-altering substances at a Full Moon party, I stopped by the tiger sanctuary to snap a great profile pic.”

  • Sabrina

    OMG. I went on a Tinder date ONCE and he was working the bar I met a friend at last night. I knew he was working on the NE side of PDX as a creature of the night (bar manager) so I assumed it was safe to say I would never bump into him.
    So. Awkward. I avoided direct communication and ordered more through the bar back and shared my friends HH bites…

  • Chief Queef

    You forgot about the #1 Tinder Cliche. “The Girl that spends too much time on Tinder.”

    • Lol

      Nah

  • Carmen L.

    This is such an accurate portrayal of tinder omg hahahha I’m dying from laughter because I really HAVE seen every single of those cliches

    xo,

    Carmen

    thefashionreformation.com

  • http://sayyestobadthings.blogspot.com Lauren Connelly

    golden. will there be part 2 of this article? ‘the many strange and bewildering habits of a messaging tinder male’..?

  • Carolina

    When I was setting up my account, I was listening to “Bills, Bills, Bills” by the ever so amazing Destiny’s Child. I thought it would be funny to write in my description “I’m Carolina and all I need 2 know is can u pay my bills”, thinking nobody would take me up on it and that they’d realize it was a joke.
    I have gotten many offers.

  • Elisa Taviti

    Brilliant!

    xx Elisa – My Fantabulous World

  • jessi

    Ahhh this is so good. We were all thinking it, and you said it!

    http://www.yellowhats.net

  • Samantha

    The ones who have ‘I’ll say we met in a bar’.. so your telling me your ok with lying? Not a great way to make a first impression

  • http://www.strippedchic.com Shannon

    I’m not a member myself, but I watch the guys at my work do Tinder (does one “do” Tinder?) I can imagine this is spot on, though. I was laughing pretty hard, and I don’t even know the first thing about your avg Tinderman. Can we get this replicated for girls?? Please please please?

  • emmabee

    So perf, but you forgot I’m a DJ/I went to the gym once. Love me some Tinder mischief.

  • Elif

    You forgot about the ones who wear sunglasses in every single picture ( or the ones who feel the need to be surrounded by four “homies” in every pic….25% chance that he’s the hot one on the left…or the ugly one with the #swag-basecap on the right)
    But anyway, hilarious article Amelia! :-)

  • TanyaD

    …laughing in my cubicle. Great article.

  • MacKenzie Clark

    ahahaahahaha before there was tinder, these guys were all on OKcupid. This makes me kind of sad that I shacked up pre-tinder.

  • Brett

    Hilarious. However, you are missing a few of my personal favorites: the Gym Rat and the Cool Car Douchebag.

  • Bee

    I live in Europe and all of these are hilariously accurate. I really love the gratuitous baby pictures. The other thing I see often is guys being all sporty. I find spandex biking gear singularly unattractive but I guess these guys think they’re being all manly and cool?

  • hi_itsgabby

    I think you forgot some vital ones like…. Michael with a Ninja sword collection. Otherwise this is genius. As per usual.

  • James

    guys you have to check out tinderguru.com and tinderella chronicles. hilarious