The Fedora Takedown

Zoom
May 8, 2014

The WORST.

Fedoras are the assholes of the hat world — a statement I make well-knowing that as soon as this story publishes, an army of fedora enthusiasts will come at me faster than a ten legged squirrel on a nut-hunt, their sharpened pinecones ready and aimed. It’s more dangerous than you think to dis an accessory, but I stand behind my decision. I’m taking one for the team.

As with most things I can’t stand, there’s a strong reason tethered to it.

During the phase of my life that can best be described as trendy, a fedora was like the Maraschino cherry-topping to my mall-affected outfits: artificial, bad for you, and completely superfluous. It was the unspoken 20% percent devil that accompanied my shirt which read 90% angel. These were dark times. I was overcompensating for everything: the braces, 13-year-old insecurity, bad hair days. When I see someone in a fedora nowI can only assume the same — that they too are overcompensating for something that needs zero compensation.

I know that when I assume I supposedly make an ass out of you and me. But the fedora will create the illusion that your head is an actual ass — have you seen the top of one? It looks like it’s modeled after a slightly-parted butt crack. However, I blame the fedora here, not its wearer. We’re all victims to the hat’s alluring charm. Fedoras are sirens who call to male and females alike, singing promises of looking cooler, of getting laid, or appearing “in style.”

The felt ones are smart and know exactly whose heartstrings to pluck. They go after the same type of men who wear formal vests over dress shirts with no jacket to a club; guys who wear square-toed “going out shoes”; males in bootcut, white-stitched jeans. Josh Groban. Meanwhile the straw ones (which are the worst of their kind) stick hatted claws deep into the weak: coeds on spring break, my dad on vacation, people who’ve spent too much time drinking in the sun then went shopping. Women looking for a hat to steal off someone’s head as a flirting technique, or men who saw Matthew McConaughey do it and said, “Yea, I’m gonna do that too.”

But they’re not Matthew McConaughey. No one is. And so, with fedora season rapidly approaching, I’ve made it my duty to stop the madness. My plan of action? A quiz.

Check Yes If You Are One Or More of the Following People:

Carmen Sandiego

Frank Sinatra

Humphrey Bogart

A grandfather in Boca

A character on Mad Men before the costumes began teetering into American Hustle territory

Emmanuelle Alt

Daria Webowy

Anyone else in the slideshow above

An adorable animal

Bill Murray

If you are not on this list, do not wear a fedora.

So easy, right? However, my strong aversion may have less do with my eighth-grade projections and instead more about the fact that it’s been a long time since I’ve seen a fedora truly prove its worth. So if you’re a fedora wearer who is still reading this and not yet en-route to stabbing me with the aforementioned pinecone, then post a picture. Prove me wrong.

My hair is really dirty today anyway, and I could actually use a hat.

  • Hunter

    My thoughts exactly!!! Very well said (Insert clapping hand emoji here).

  • Sara

    I really wanted this to be a flow chart! Redeemed by the first sentence though…

    • Amelia Diamond

      Aunt Flow?

      • http://www.fancyalterego.wordpress.com/ Heather P.

        I’m still calling it Shark Week. :-)

  • Downvoter

    Yes! Thank you!

  • Maria

    Wrong.

  • Kelly’s Gross-o

    I mean yeah, the fedora is definitely the douche-bag topper par excellence. But pretty much all of the accompanying photos say exactly the opposite. It’s how you wear it really. A fedora does not a douche-bag make.

    Also, a lot of those hats were only borderline fedora-ish. Some even ventured into wide-brimmed or floppy beach hat territory. So, if those aren’t okay either, what are we supposed to wear on bad hair days? Or pale skin (read: every) days? A beanie? A baseball cap? That feather thing SJP wore to the Met Gala?

    I’m fine with your take down, I’d just like to see some alternatives.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Well, the slideshow are people who are ALLOWED to wear fedoras, per my list. I’m the hat bouncer. And you’re right it’s how you wear it. I just don’t want to post pictures of people wearing fedoras poorly because I don’t want them to be sad :( Leandra wrote a fun hat post with greattt alternatives: http://www.manrepeller.com/2014/04/whats-so-bad-about-wearing-a-hat-indoors.html

  • Molly

    I understand the sentiment, but I still wear my fedoras and pork-pie in rainy weather, so I don’t have to fuss with an umbrella. I know people see it as an affectation, but it’s too convenient to let that stop me, and one shouldn’t allow others to dictate one’s actions.

    • Amelia Diamond

      You know what, I wear an NY Giants flat-brim snap back when it rains so I look like the real douche !

      • Elli

        Oh, really? You should post of picture of yourself in it on you ameezydeezylemonsqueezy instagram account, it’ll fit right in.

  • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

    hahahaha. couldn’t agree more.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Bottom left isn’t a a fedora! You look adorable in these hats. You’re on the list.

      • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

        I just included the bottom left because it shows how #fun I am.

  • GapToothedGirl

    Love Fedora, it remeber me about my grandfather, always with a Borsalino on. Miss him.
    Love, Gap.
    http://www.gaptoothedgirl.com

  • Madame Amrose

    My fedora’s in my picture here <— and in the header of my blog. :) http://www.madameamrose.com BUT it's my fiance's that I stole for the pictures. He's a very old classic kind of man who's usually offended by hipsters in fedoras. He himself could have been plucked off of the Mad Men set in season one with his always polished self and great hair. I'm a very lucky woman to have my fedora-wearing man.

    • VonDan

      Your not wearing a Fedora, Don’t go by what MTV or a hipster store tells you, Take the hat to a actually gentleman’s store that sells to adults and call it a fedora and when they stop laughing they might tell you it is a tribly

  • Tayler

    It’s a love hate relationship- see profile picture. I’m either trying too hard or casually covering my hair that hadn’t been washed in three days. I mean, I try to make it work. Here’s the outfit I wore my fedora last: http://www.styleinterplay.com/2014/04/reser-in-rain.html#.U2vcsq1dUWA

    Maybe acceptable?
    I’d accept no as an answer.

    • Amelia Diamond

      YOUR HAIR CUT! It changes the whole look of that hat. I’m in!

    • VonDan

      Again I have to comment.

      Your not wearing a Fedora, Don’t go by what MTV or a hipster store tells you, Take the hat to a actually gentleman’s store that sells to adults and call it a fedora and when they stop laughing they might tell you it is a triby

      At least your hat looks felt and not one of the god awful cloth herringbone monstrosities

  • aimelie

    I have a face for hats and not for sunglasses. So what to do in summer?

  • cristinadele

    It is true that fedoras have become associated with several varieties of douchey-ness. And yet the slideshow seems to indicate that a fedora is acceptable if you’re outrageously beautiful & stylish. And yes, I’d like to talk alternatives or allowances for what can be worn to deal with bad hair days, sun protection, baldness coverup (for the menfolk, obvs). My husband had skin cancer on his face-in summer he wears a fancy straw Panama, purchased at a fancy haberdashery-I hate the thought that someone is automatically thinking he’s an asshole because he’s wearing a hat. And please Jesus don’t anybody mention ball caps-to my mind, those are way worse, and then your hair’s wrecked when you take them off inside.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Haberdashery is my favorite word. A fancy straw Panama on a man who shops at haberdasheries is very different from a guy in a frat-tank with sunglasses that say <3 LAVO on the lenses. Your husband probably looks like a chic Milanese style editor.

      • http://www.msmagpiewrites.com/ Ms. Magpie

        All I can picture is Jason Mraz. My god, ew.

  • lavieenliz

    I love a good fedora!!

    http://hashtagliz.com

  • Rebecca Arnall

    I thought my fedora worked here. Thoughts? Though I agree, if you have a cheap mall fedora (or are trying to prove you are a competent in drama class, yes they are obnoxious.

    • Amelia Diamond

      You’re on the list! Is that a feather?

      • Rebecca Arnall

        Sometimes, you just have to put a feather in your cap (like when you make Amelia’s fedora list).

  • Claudia Rae Crockett

    You had me at “assholes”. Finally! Someone vocalizes the “nails on a chalkboard effect” I feel whenever faced with a fedora wearer (or any other ridiculously cliché hat for that matter). Like you said – I smell overcompensating…

  • Anna Kalmbach

    I’m inclined to surround myself with assholes because conversations with assholes are generally livelier. That being said, this metaphor speaks to me in a positive way…

    • Amelia Diamond

      you werq that hat

      • Anna Kalmbach

        thx gurl

  • http://www.msmagpiewrites.com/ Ms. Magpie

    Holy crap, I have committed THREE of the offenses leading to the wearing of a straw fedora. I am so embarrassed for myself. This stops now.

  • monkeyshines
  • Joshua Michael

    Nooooo fedoras but other hats on hats on hats….nasty gal and river island have my favs

    • Amelia Diamond

      you’re on da list

      • Joshua Michael

        yay! Thanks @ameliadiamond:disqus ! Means a lot. Been in such a hat phase lately but definitely no actual fedoras anywhere to be found on the radar

  • Jaden

    I’ll wear it anyways, but. breath. I want to know.

    • Amelia Diamond

      LOVE. Truly.

  • LAMBD

    Am I the only one that HATES when people wear hats on the back of their heads, and not the top? I think it looks super douchy and stupid. It also makes me think of the girls at my high school graduation in the 90s – how they wore their grad caps on the back of their heads as to not ruin their bangs.

  • Belinda

    Amelia, you are my favourite. This statement has been brewing a while, but when you can weave Bill Murray and Carmen Sandiego into a totally legit a list, well now it must be said. I don’t even care too much about the fedora either way but you make a bloomin’ good case against. And I respect that. Each time I see a new MR post up, I have found myself hoping it’s one written by you. Thus it must be said, keep doing with the awesome writings.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Belinda!!!

  • http://www.happyhomesnz.com Debbie Harper

    You’ve got trilby’s mixed up with fedoras. I like trilby’s they suit the people that look terrible in caps. The best trilby is Don Draper. My husband wears them all the time. Gets lots of Freddy Kruger jokes. LOL

    • http://clickwatchwrite.com/ Hannah M.

      Yeah, and I think she’s missing the difference between “fedora” and “Panama hat”, too.

  • http://www.gladracks.com Crystal Joy

    The wider the brim, the easier it is to wear, I think. Fedoras, the ones with the itty bitty brims, are the worst.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Yes they are!

  • http://www.fancyalterego.wordpress.com/ Heather P.

    Kate Moss was the only woman in that slideshow who I would allow to get away with a fedora, because where Kate Moss is concerned, she can get away with pretty much anything.

    Fedoras remind me of one of my best friends from high school, who at 15 years old started dating a 20 year old college guy – who always…ALWAYS…wore grey pants, a white tshirt, a black vest, and a fedora. He thought he was “hip,” and I thought he looked like a jackass. He kinda acted like one too.

    The story has a happy ending, though – he eventually ditched the every day fedora, grew up, and the two are now happily married. And no, he did not wear the fedora at his wedding. :-)

  • Elli

    Oh, thank God I’ll never have to worry about seeing you in a fedora.

  • Guest

    Why the hatred Amelia? Huh? The humans in this slideshow look great! No downing Altfits, MossBoss and Various Darias!
    P.S. I like my hat.

    • Amelia Diamond

      You look great! The people in the slideshow are there because they are on my list of people allowed to wear fedoras!

  • Bird

    Why the hatred Amelia? Huh? The humans in this slideshow look great! No downing Altfits, MossBoss and Various Darias!
    P.S. I like my hat.

  • Catherine Bohner

    You forgot Indiana Jones and little kids wearing dad/grandpa’s hat.

  • Fashion Hound

    Disguising bad hair days since 1976
    I vote to keep them on the Island x

  • katerina

    love the way you write….
    funny and witty at the same time

  • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

    There’s a boy on my cross country team that often runs warm up laps in his fedora.
    When asked what word described him best, he said “fedorable.”

    I abused my powers as one of the team captains and asked him to “take that thing off, please.” I feel no guilt — the team is closer now.

  • Elisa Taviti

    Simply great!

    xx Elisa – My Fantabulous World

  • jui

    hgvfkgkgk

  • Giuliana Lajules

    Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  • Erika

    I feel like fedoras are the beanie’s classier cousin. You know, the one that wears dresses at appropriate occasions, but can also rock a hot boyfriend jean. Just my two cents, and I promise, I’m not on my way to chuck a pinecone at you.

    http://polkadotsandcandybars.blogspot.com/

  • Amanda

    To quote GIRLS, fedoras are worse than genocide.

  • exploringwardrobes

    Okay so I agree with you in terms of middle aged men who have neck beards and play the key-tar but I have to challenge you on some women. A wide brim black felt hat (does this count as a fedora? I think so) is classic and very YSL. Non?

    http://exploringwardrobes.blogspot.co.uk/

  • Kate Wilson
  • Guest

    Ok, I’m into that. Not always, but here and there.

  • myFashionSalvation

    I definitely bought a Fedora once and never wore it because I thought I was trying too hard. So I totally get where your coming from, but I’m not afraid of a challenge. (ie. my prof pic)

  • kelly

    just sssshhhhhhhhhh and think about hedi slimane’s wide brimmed saint laurent 2013 fedoras

  • Sarina Fleur

    It is a well known fact that the English have a different fashion sense to the Americans and I for one bloody love wearing a fedora. It’s great for rain, great for shade and great for spicing up a simple outift. Sorry for the poor picture quality, it was the only one I could find whilst reading your blogpost.

  • http://www.livingzbeautifulmix.com Zuma Ayriyan

    Amelia! You forgot to add me to the slideshow!

  • lydpage

    only thing worse than a day fedora is a fedora after 6pm… a night fedora

  • Annie

    Why worship at the altar of Amelia…I love a good fedora or pork pie or panama. It takes balls to wear a hat. Cheesy?…maybe. Cliche?…perhaps. But no more so than any other fashion classic or trend. I say “Hats On!!”

  • Colleen

    cute fedora: http://www.freepeople.com/accessories-hats/clipperton-fedora/_/PRODUCTOPTIONIDS/0B6E9CAD-A8F4-4CCF-8A37-466219F4EA95/

    Other then that this article totally stands. Fedoras are about as cute as white python “going out” shoes.

  • Julian Amador

    Do you even Tasya Van Ree?