I am thrilled and excited to announce the following dates that I will be unable to attend whatever event it is that you’re planning to blindside me with in the form of expensive cardstock and cheeky font.
The weekend of June 6 is not looking great for your bridal shower. I know I wasn’t technically invited to it yet, but I heard you speaking about it to Tammy and you’ve been commenting on a lot of my photos lately, so consider this my polite preemptive strike before you ask. The thing is, I have a lot of errands I’ll be needing to run — dry cleaning, making a grocery list I’ll never abide by, learning how to floss, wandering around the street aimlessly — and I’m just worried the timing on this one isn’t what’s best for me.
The weekend of June 27th doesn’t quite work either as far as your actual wedding goes, and I cordially invite you to reconsider. It’s not that I don’t want to attend the celebration between you and your soulmate. I totally do. Your soulmate has hot friends and I’m not one to turn down a dance floor with an open bar. That said, June 27th falls on the weekend prior to July 4th, and I was kind of hoping to have a few days in my apartment to just hang out with my cat before leaving on vacation.
The weekend of July 4th …Speaking of vacation: I am happy to announce that July 4th is the same day, every year, so going forward, in general, whatever it is you’re creating a Paperless Post for, I can’t come. Yes, yes, I understand venues are cheaper. But flights are not. You don’t mind moving your monumental birthday to the following weekend, right?
The weekend of July 26 It’s an honor and a privilege to inform you that I am busy from Friday evening until Sunday around bedtime. Actually, perhaps a better phrase to use is that I’ll be “indisposed,” as I plan on taking a bath here or there and sending a few text messages. But really, I’m free as a bird. I just don’t feel like packing or taking a bus.
The month of August in general Eee…yeah…the whole month is just…I have a wax appointment and…hey look over there! Tea lights!
Labor Day Weekend It with great pride and joy that I invite you leave me alone on the last weekend of summer. If you could refrain from celebrating any and all nuptials, vow renewals, bachelorettes, themed “girl nights,” bat mitzvahs, bar mitzvahs, quinceañeras, “big three-ohs” and super sweet 16s, that would be fantastic. Maybe just save those for that boring span between New Years and April. I’m wide open then. For now. I’ll have to check my datebook and get back to you.
Kindly consider this my RSVP.