Ten Ways to Reel in The Mans

You're the bait, girl.

Voguechinafishing

As you all know, we are huge proponents of revolving your life and sartorial pursuits around attracting a man, which is precisely why we bring you this brand new series. (Although it’s not technically a series in that it will only occur once.) So, cross your legs daintily at the ankles, lean in (but not too assertively!) and remember that it’s not just a way of thinking, ladies. It’s a lifestyle.

1. The old adage goes, “You Can Only Show One.” We say, show everything! This means that when it comes to getting a man, every body part goes: cleavage (ass, boob, belly button, armpit), exposed thighs, vagina. You know what? Just go naked.

1a. If you can’t go naked, the rejection of the “You Can Only Show One” tenet still applies to animal prints. Skip solids and try your hand at tigers and leopards and crocodiles and chihuahuas!

1b. Accessorize with tails and ears of said animals. Not teeth, though. (Unless he’s into that! Rawr!)

2. Wax your whole body. A scientific study shoes that heterosexual men may be more attracted to baby seals than cacti, so unless you’re dating a dendrophiliac (aka someone who enjoys “sex with trees and other large plants” according to the reputable Yahoo! Answers pages) just get rid of all hair. Eyebrows, eyelashes, leg hair, bush, etc. You’ll attract men like flies and slide across glacial landscapes with ease!

2b.  ; )

3. Pretend you don’t have a political opinion. Or actually don’t have one! Who needs choices. And reading newspapers is hard. Besides, wouldn’t you rather pluck the nose hairs from your nostrils while letting Buzzfeed quizzes decide stuff for you?

3a. And on the topic of choice, if your man wants you to wear lingerie that doubles as weaponry but you’re concerned about the bruising it will inevitably in your butt crack, just take a Percocet!

If it wears off, take another!

4. Suffocate any desire to be funny. Swallow that punchline as though it’s a little bit of acid reflux puke. Instead, try cocking your head to the side a lot and leaving your leg wrist limp and look perplexed by EVERYTHING. Laugh really hard at all of his jokes, especially the one about his other girlfriend!

5. Listen to every Susan Patton interview you can discover on YouTube. Study her. She is your bible. Fuck your horoscopes, ladies. This is the Suz to listen to.

5a. And on the topic of Patton, don’t forget that if you think he’s better than you, he probably is!

6. Keep your pants tight, your skirts short, and your tops off. Although, if he prefers you to be in baggy clothes so that other men can’t see your swag, do that. Just wear loads and loads of sleeping bags. Remember to cut out holes for your eyes! Bumping into trees is not a good look.

6b. You never know who you might run into, so, if you so much as shower without makeup on, I will cut you.

7. Make him feel like he is the sole driver of your confidence. Feeling good about that raise? Why? Doesn’t he bring home the bacon? Love your new marigold caftan? Oh, awkward. Hope it’s refundable.

8. Follow him around in a maid’s outfit — preferably a French one — and ask if he needs anything dusted, or if there’s any bed or sandwich he needs made.

8a. But on that note, if he texts you, wait seven minutes to text him back. Never call him. And if you haven’t met him yet but think he’s cute and kind of know he’s probably into you, do not initiate contact. Do you have Tinder? Don’t.

9. Do that weird ice thing that other lady magazines are always telling you to do. And poke at his butt-hole like it’s the year 2004 and Facebook’s just installed that feature.

10. Repeat after me: marriage, babies, pre-baby-body. Marriage, babies, pre-baby body.

Did we leave anything off? Always looking for brand new tips that will indubitably tickle his tip. And of course, don’t forget the cardinal rule: all bondage everything.

Lol. Jk. Happy April 1st.

Image via Vogue China

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Thoughts?
  • Quinn Halman

    #11: Take everything Cosmo says to heart

    • http://belleandcompass.blogspot.com/ Isa // belle + compass

      Ahahahahaha yes, obviously. The best way to please a man is to squeeze chocolate sauce all over his junk… and abdomen… and face… and eyes… and lick it off.

  • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

    I can’t breathe.

  • http://alcessa.wordpress.com/ alcessa

    # 12 Always ask for his opinion on your clothes and hair
    # 13 Have a tiny pet at the ready, stroke it lovingly, showing your tender, caring side whenever HE’s around
    # 14 Always tell your friends about HIS opinions and decisions, do not mention any of your own. Do not develop any, at that.

  • http://jessjoycej.wordpress.com/ Jessica Joyce

    Hm…is this every women’s magazine ever?

  • Alison

    #15. Dedicate years of your life to rigorous study, working hard to put yourself through school or to honor the education that your parents have made possible for you, and then act like you’ve never seen a book in your life.

  • http://nothingtowearnovello.blogspot.ca/ JennyNov

    I love you ladies! Happy April 1st indeed. Speaking of man getting….ever consider having a male’s voice on the site? I think the right guy, hand picked by you talented and hilarious gals would be a great addition.

  • Morgan

    Ooo the mans is gonna love me now! Thanks MR!

    Happy April Fools :)

  • http://belleandcompass.blogspot.com/ Isa // belle + compass

    I actually had a boss at an old internship who had had ALL of her body hair laser-removed. It was weird, actually… her arms were PERFECTLY smooth.

    belle + compass

  • em

    Hilarious…XDDD
    Happy April Fools
    http://emfile.tumblr.com/

  • sophie

    I want to print and frame “Listen to every Susan Patton interview you can discover on YouTube. Study her. She is your bible. Fuck your horoscopes, ladies. This is the Suz to listen to.”

  • Hannah B.

    This was too obvious of an April fool’s joke…
    The minute you said, “As you all know, we are huge proponents of revolving your life and sartorial pursuits around attracting a man…” I was like, -_- (April fools?).

  • Mary

    You are so clever! I had to share it with my husband so he could see that we are so on to them!!!

  • Maya

    Schedule your whole day, week, life around his appointments, events, goals, needs. Remember you are NOT allowed to have emotions. Duh! Also Your hair must be long always. No pixies!

  • lynnemargaux

    haaaa love it!

  • http://www.yourenotinparisanymore.blogspot.com/ Kristina

    you just described most of my classmates life rules (studying media communication)

  • Aubrey Green

    “if you so much as shower without makeup on, I will cut you…” hahaha, I’m dying.

  • http://fashionmusingsdiary.blogspot.fr/ Miss J.
  • brooke W

    The banner is the best, so empowering

  • ienard118

    I’m only sixteen but I can tell you this is the best thing I’ve ever read

  • Melodie Nicole Akers

    This is genius.