As you all know, we are huge proponents of revolving your life and sartorial pursuits around attracting a man, which is precisely why we bring you this brand new series. (Although it’s not technically a series in that it will only occur once.) So, cross your legs daintily at the ankles, lean in (but not too assertively!) and remember that it’s not just a way of thinking, ladies. It’s a lifestyle.
1. The old adage goes, “You Can Only Show One.” We say, show everything! This means that when it comes to getting a man, every body part goes: cleavage (ass, boob, belly button, armpit), exposed thighs, vagina. You know what? Just go naked.
1a. If you can’t go naked, the rejection of the “You Can Only Show One” tenet still applies to animal prints. Skip solids and try your hand at tigers and leopards and crocodiles and chihuahuas!
1b. Accessorize with tails and ears of said animals. Not teeth, though. (Unless he’s into that! Rawr!)
2. Wax your whole body. A scientific study shoes that heterosexual men may be more attracted to baby seals than cacti, so unless you’re dating a dendrophiliac (aka someone who enjoys “sex with trees and other large plants” according to the reputable Yahoo! Answers pages) just get rid of all hair. Eyebrows, eyelashes, leg hair, bush, etc. You’ll attract men like flies and slide across glacial landscapes with ease!
2b. ; )
3. Pretend you don’t have a political opinion. Or actually don’t have one! Who needs choices. And reading newspapers is hard. Besides, wouldn’t you rather pluck the nose hairs from your nostrils while letting Buzzfeed quizzes decide stuff for you?
3a. And on the topic of choice, if your man wants you to wear lingerie that doubles as weaponry but you’re concerned about the bruising it will inevitably in your butt crack, just take a Percocet!
If it wears off, take another!
4. Suffocate any desire to be funny. Swallow that punchline as though it’s a little bit of acid reflux puke. Instead, try cocking your head to the side a lot and leaving your leg wrist limp and look perplexed by EVERYTHING. Laugh really hard at all of his jokes, especially the one about his other girlfriend!
5. Listen to every Susan Patton interview you can discover on YouTube. Study her. She is your bible. Fuck your horoscopes, ladies. This is the Suz to listen to.
5a. And on the topic of Patton, don’t forget that if you think he’s better than you, he probably is!
6. Keep your pants tight, your skirts short, and your tops off. Although, if he prefers you to be in baggy clothes so that other men can’t see your swag, do that. Just wear loads and loads of sleeping bags. Remember to cut out holes for your eyes! Bumping into trees is not a good look.
6b. You never know who you might run into, so, if you so much as shower without makeup on, I will cut you.
7. Make him feel like he is the sole driver of your confidence. Feeling good about that raise? Why? Doesn’t he bring home the bacon? Love your new marigold caftan? Oh, awkward. Hope it’s refundable.
8. Follow him around in a maid’s outfit — preferably a French one — and ask if he needs anything dusted, or if there’s any bed or sandwich he needs made.
8a. But on that note, if he texts you, wait seven minutes to text him back. Never call him. And if you haven’t met him yet but think he’s cute and kind of know he’s probably into you, do not initiate contact. Do you have Tinder? Don’t.
9. Do that weird ice thing that other lady magazines are always telling you to do. And poke at his butt-hole like it’s the year 2004 and Facebook’s just installed that feature.
10. Repeat after me: marriage, babies, pre-baby-body. Marriage, babies, pre-baby body.
Did we leave anything off? Always looking for brand new tips that will indubitably tickle his tip. And of course, don’t forget the cardinal rule: all bondage everything.
Lol. Jk. Happy April 1st.