It’s been 12 years since Kanye West releasing his debut album College Dropout. As my favorite recording artist of all time, I felt the need to acknowledge this milestone, but it can be hard to celebrate somebody without them there (with the exception of Biggie, whose birthday my friends and I feted a few weeks ago with cardboard Burger King crowns and a bottle of champagne). Then, after passing a newsstand and seeing a headline about Kim Kardashian’s recent makeover, it hit me: I should dedicate a week to a food and exercise regimen inspired by a Yeezus classic, “The New Workout Plan.” Thus, the Kanye West Diet was born. Here are the rules, and the lyrics that inspired them:
“1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and get them sit ups right and tuck your tummy tight and do your crunches like this”
Rule 1: 50 sit ups every day before leaving the house
“All them mocha lattes, you gotta do Pilates”
Rule 2: Dairy and caffeine are not only allowed, they are encouraged.
Rule 3: I am going to alternate between Physique 57 — a Pilates-inspired barre class — and yoga, and go at least four times per week.
“Eat your salad, no dessert, get the man you deserve”
Rule 4: At least one salad per day.
Rule 5: No refined sugar.
I woke up and did 50 sit ups immediately. (I start most of my workouts with “All of the Lights” or “Power.”) Then I had a mocha latte inspired smoothie: almond milk, two espresso shots, a banana, chocolate protein powder, almond butter and some agave. A decent amount of research went into my choice of protein powder and I recommend Tera’s Whey.
For lunch I had a Guacamole Greens salad at Sweet Green, with falafel instead of chicken, and a lentil soup. At some point I decided to mix the soup into the salad because to channel a true artist one must embrace experimentation and erratic behavior. It tasted great.
After work I did a Physique 57 class. I really felt like a million bucks when it was done. Eight million with inflation factored in.
I did my crunches and had the same smoothie again but this time I added cinnamon because you only live once. Then I did a yoga class at my gym.
For lunch I had a chopped salad at Monkey Bar. Two beautiful chocolate eggs were placed on top of the check and I insisted that my friend have both. Turning down chocolate is hard; turning down free chocolate is nearly impossible.
Just when I thought my breakfast smoothie couldn’t get any more awesome, I stepped it up again and drank it from a champagne flute. Regular glass is way too pedestrian for the rock star lifestyle.
Being a luminary no doubt entails having things made custom for you, so for lunch I ordered a bespoke salad: kale (because everything wonderful in life starts with K), corn, cheese, tomato, cucumber, onion, quinoa, and double avocado.
Eggs over Yeezy, sit ups and yoga before work were definitely the inspiration behind the track “I am a God.”
I really wanted have deep dish pizza this week in honor of Kanye’s Chicago roots but that’s hard to find in New York, so I stacked two slices on top of each other and put a side order of marinara sauce on top.
I started my day with a mocha latte from Starbucks and when they asked my name I said “Sophie spelled with a K.” My cup said Ksofie.
More smoothies, sit ups, Pilates, and another tailor-made salad. But shortly after lunch I had a major epiphany: being a true artist and superstar is all about breaking rules, not following them. Thus, I had to stop the Kanye West Diet immediately. I did, however, wear the Yeezus-inspired leather pants the entire weekend.
— Written by Sophie Milrom
Since misery loves company and chances are you’re going to feel like dying at the peak of your workout, just remember that we’ve all been there. If that doesn’t ease your misery, remind yourself that you’re in for the smoothie with the MR x Outdoor Voices kit. Also, when you’re ready to switch up your workout routine, here are some options.