Kanye’s Workout Plan

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by Sophie Milrom
April 25, 2014
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Just in time to prep for swimsuit season

This February marked the 10 year anniversary of Kanye West releasing his debut album College Dropout. As my favorite recording artist of all time, I felt the need to acknowledge this milestone, but it can be hard to celebrate somebody without them there (with the exception of Biggie, whose birthday my friends and I feted a few weeks ago with cardboard Burger King crowns and a bottle of champagne). Then, after passing a newsstand and seeing a headline about Kim Kardashian’s recent makeover, it hit me: I should dedicate a week to a food and exercise regimen inspired by a Yeezus classic, “The New Workout Plan.” Thus, the Kanye West Diet was born. Here are the rules, and the lyrics that inspired them:

“1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and get them sit ups right and tuck your tummy tight and do your crunches like this”

Rule 1: 50 sit ups every day before leaving the house

“All them mocha lattes, you gotta do Pilates”

Rule 2: Dairy and caffeine are not only allowed, they are encouraged.

Rule 3: I am going to alternate between Physique 57 — a Pilates-inspired barre class — and yoga, and go at least four times per week.

“Eat your salad, no dessert, get the man you deserve”

Rule 4: At least one salad per day.

Rule 5: No refined sugar.

In my case, “the man you deserve” is Ralph Lauren. I have a pair of Purple Label leather pants that are a little too tight, and I was cautiously optimistic that they’ll fit like a glove by day 7.

Monday:

I woke up and did 50 sit ups immediately. (I start most of my workouts with “All of the Lights” or “Power.”) Then I had a mocha latte inspired smoothie: almond milk, two espresso shots, a banana, chocolate protein powder, almond butter and some agave. A decent amount of research went into my choice of protein powder and I recommend Tera’s Whey.

For lunch I had a Guacamole Greens salad at Sweet Green, with falafel instead of chicken, and a lentil soup. At some point I decided to mix the soup into the salad because to channel a true artist one must embrace experimentation and erratic behavior. It tasted great.

After work I did a Physique 57 class. I really felt like a million bucks when it was done. Eight million with inflation factored in.

Tuesday:

I did my crunches and had the same smoothie again but this time I added cinnamon because you only live once. Then I did a yoga class at my gym.

For lunch I had a chopped salad at Monkey Bar. Two beautiful chocolate eggs were placed on top of the check and I insisted that my friend have both. Turning down chocolate is hard; turning down free chocolate is nearly impossible.

Wednesday:

Just when I thought my breakfast smoothie couldn’t get any more awesome, I stepped it up again and drank it from a champagne flute. Regular glass is way too pedestrian for the rock star lifestyle.

Being a luminary no doubt entails having things made custom for you, so for lunch I ordered a bespoke salad: kale (because everything wonderful in life starts with K), corn, cheese, tomato, cucumber, onion, quinoa, and double avocado.

Thursday:

Eggs over Yeezy, sit ups and yoga before work were definitely the inspiration behind the track “I am a God.”

I really wanted have deep dish pizza this week in honor of Kanye’s Chicago roots but that’s hard to find in New York, so I stacked two slices on top of each other and put a side order of marinara sauce on top.

Friday:

I started my day with a mocha latte from Starbucks and when they asked my name I said “Sophie spelled with a K.” My cup said Ksofie.

More smoothies, sit ups, Pilates, and another tailor-made salad. But shortly after lunch I had a major epiphany: being a true artist and superstar is all about breaking rules, not following them. Thus, I had to stop the Kanye West Diet immediately. I did, however, wear the Yeezus-inspired leather pants the entire weekend.

– Written by Sophie Milrom

REPLIES
  • natalie in jeans

    brilliant.

  • leahnoodles

    This is perfect

  • Andrea Gallagher

    I just laughed out loud at my desk, love this!

  • baby avo

    you are my hero

  • Aubrey Green

    Amazing. “Sophie with a K.” I literally laughed out loud.

    • Aubrey Green

      Literally, hahaha.

  • Rachael Skil

    I’m not kidding…I’m trying this diet!

  • http://www.millennielle.com/ ᴍɪʟʟᴇɴɴɪᴇʟʟᴇ

    omg amazing. you are hilarious!!!

  • mywhiteT

    Love this! mywhiteT.com

  • Fashion Backwards

    This article is amazing! I plan to honor it by going to Starbucks and ordering a mocha latte with my name, Emily, spelled with a C.

    -Emily Oberman
    http://www.fashionbackwards.com

  • LaShawnda G

    get it right, get it tight. oh wait Kanye didn’t say that…

  • Robin

    Buh-buh-buh-bravvvoooo sophie. right on point, loooooveee your writing
    I am a die hard fan of Kaynyeezy as well

  • Kiri Yanchenko

    Too funny. I’d like to think I steer clear of refined sugar. But honestly I have a huge sweet tooth.
    X
    Kiri
    http://www.fashionblender.com.au
    http://www.facebook.com/FashionBlender

  • Sophie

    Can’t beat these images. Scarred.

    Sophie x

    http://www.yourgirlislovely.com

  • http://www.coolallure.com/ Cool Allure

    Kanye is the best guy ever! :))))

  • http://www.livingzbeautifulmix.com Zuma Ayriyan

    Kzuma is my name from now on! Thanks!

  • Brianna Kreager

    Love Man Repeller. I highly recommend eating Chicago deep dish pizza! Dopest pizza you’ll ever eat. In my Midwestern opinion. Emmet’s in NYC serves it.

  • http://mafaldadotzero.blogspot.fr/ Mafalda

    Hilarious!

    Mafalda ❤
    http://mafaldadotzero.blogspot.fr

  • Iman

    Genius.

  • Carsla Peyton

    Hilarious! Well done. Looking forward to your future posts. (:

    <3 Carsla
    Founder & CEO of Connect-the-Cloths
    http://www.connect-the-cloths.com
    http://blogspotter.co/connect-the-cloths/
    A stylist, foodie, & writer's blog in development.

  • BRI

    I cannot stop laughing… amazing!

    Third & California

  • http://www.lindamendible.com/ Linda Mendible

    X-D

  • http://clubwonderblog.blogspot.com/ Demelza Duder

    This is just too damn good… Sophie you are a funny one! x

  • wearhappiness
  • Three Girls One Apple

    Ha ha! What a great way to pay homage to The College Dropout. The New Workout Plan stays on my playlist for summer workouts. Perfection! xoxo
    3girls1apple.com

  • Ornela Harris

    Great Idea !

  • http://www.thefieldingreport.com Emily Trout

    Great writing- funny and K-spirational.
    The New Workout Plan has also been on my workout playlist ever since it debuted, and it never gets old.

  • therealdp

    SOPHIE WINS

  • Camille

    doesn’t mocha latte from Starbucks have refined sugar in it?

  • http://icarolavia.blogspot.com.es/ Icaro Lavia

    I’m going to start asking everybody to spell my name with a K. And I’ll have to pass on the diet, I’m afraid… You know what they say, “Hurry up with my damn croissants!”

  • The Civilian

    NO words to express my love for this post and kanye!!!!!

    http://thecivilianlife.com

  • Heather

    My cup said Ksofie — lmao

  • Ariel

    laughing out loud at the ‘sophie with a k. my cup said ksofie’. HILARIOUS.