We Tried The Tequila Diet
Got a worm?
Journalism is a selfless trade, much like being a member of the CIA. In trying to disseminate information, a reporter is often forced to give up his or her liberties as a functioning, private member of society and/or the public consciousness. Think Joe McGinniss against Jeffrey MacDonald, Anderson Cooper against humanity, Al Roker against meteorology and most recently Amelia ‘asshead’ Diamond and myself against sobriety.
Time Magazine provided a brief if not questionable summary of a study, which reported that the sugar (agavins) found in tequila — and only in tequila — might aid the pursuit of weight loss. While that pursuit does not currently languish at the Man Repeller HQ, we can absolutely get behind a reason to day drink. The study did not provide any particularities tethered to a regimented diet plan and so naturally, hard-hitting journalists that we are, Amelia and I have, going against our better judgement, set out to create a plan that will either prove or disprove the hypothesis.
The rules we’ve created work as follows:
1. Every time you are compelled to drink water, replace the thirst quencher with a steady sip of tequila.
2. A tequila-based drink must be had with breakfast (we suggest muesli for the latter), lunch (refrain from quesadillas, err on the side of an avocado-based dish, consume cilantro at your own discretion), snack time (by this time you’ll be craving sodium-heavy chips, pizza and quite possibly a breakfast sandwich despite the time of day. Eschew the craving, locate mixed nuts) and dinner (if you can make it that far).
4. Your cellphone must remain on airplane mode while you’re on The Tequila Diet so that you can’t send any quasi-or-completely-inebriated texts.
5. You must force yourself to continue on your normal, daily routine. Do not nap. Tequila naps are the enemy of productivity and the cause of most early-onset hangovers.
Follow us on this journey and check back every hour (don’t worry! We’ll remind you on Twitter!) on the hour to listen to our goings on, with our first drink commencing at 10 AM. Okay?
Olé! And, of course, happy Friday!
Leandra: I get into office. I know what’s coming and I feel like I’m in way over my head. Should I really be compromising my productivity scale for an alcoholic beverage I don’t even particularly care for? I get an iced coffee as I always do and bowl of fruits + granola and honey. I drink half of the coffee and down my breakfast and by the time I look up, it’s 10:15, Amelia has just walked in from a preview (yay! Press preview season!) and she’s got a plastic bag with a bottle of Patron in it.
“Let’s get dieting!” She declares.
And then take the first shot.
Amelia: I come in and Leandra tells me that I woke her and her bedmate up with a text about tequila. This is not unusual. I make my first drink but ignore it for my coffee, and eat an egg white wrap instead of my usual yogurt in hopes that it soaks up the morning happy hour…
Amelia: No. This is not a good idea.
Leandra: My lips are numb.
Amelia: It’s never taken me that long to finish a drink before, but this is probably a good thing since it hit noon about thirty minutes ago. Charlotte makes drink #2, which tastes so much better than drink #1. The warm fuzzies are beginning. Everything is great! I love today.
Leandra: Well, I am hungry. Between drafting e-mails and then oscillating between my deciding not to send them andt (Beyonce?) then yes to send them, I cannot stop thinking about salty, roasted nuts. (I don’t know if you know this about me but I am nuts about nuts — and I don’t mean penises!). In the last two hours, I have also finished writing a Minor Cogitation, editing a contributor story and moseying through the What’s New section of Asos. If I don’t eat in the next 20 minutes I might very well eat my own face and I don’t mean that hyperbolically, see: this.
Also, I just did something so bad, but I’ll let Amelia take it from here…
Amelia: I’m sorry. I needed a minute to regroup becase Leandra just replaced the word “contributor” with “KARDASHIAN.” As in, “our newest Kardashian is starting soon.” KARDASHIAN IS NOT A SYNONYM. I’m yelling this at her now because she’s trying to Irish Exit the situation.
Leandra: Don’t listen to Amelia. Tequila makes her lie. I am waiting for lunch and in the two hour interval that has gapped my wanting to eat and needing to eat, I have craved water and so have had to pour myself another drink (I’m combining it with coconut water). May I just say that this beverage is dangerous. As someone who rarely taps into the hard liquor bar of life, I had no idea that tequila drink #2 basically does taste like water. I think that because my taste buds are numb, they have become immune to the sting of the first drink.
In case you’re wondering what I ordered for lunch: this “green garden platter” thing-y from Caravan of Dreams which is an organic vegan place on 6th street. I wish I got nachos.
Brb, food is here!
Amelia: I’m slightly buzzed, which means I start craving salty foods. “This is the tequila talking,” I repeat to myself. “Do not give in.” I to get (editor note: she means “try to get”) Leandra to go get a margarita with me down the street so I can get chips and guac, but she says no. She’s stronger (more boring) than I.
[Ten minute interlude]
I semi gave in and ordered La Esquina — one taco, one salad, but no chips. See? Diet’s working already. I accompany lunch with drink #3, and suddenly I decide this whole thing rules.
Leandra: 3:30PM: Hot damn that was good. There was carrot polenta in it and cauliflower and bits of grilled seitan and other funny greens. I’m much more coherent than I was pre-lunch though and I’m not particularly thrilled with that. Better pony up and liquidate if you know what I’m saying. Do you know what I’m saying? The thing is, I am also kind of nauseous. Hope I don’t vomit all over my keyboard or in Charlotte’s hair!
Amelia: I don’t think this rules. I’m so sleepy. It’s the tequila nap coming on.
Writing is hard. Sentences seem long — all of them! Why do sentences have to be so long?
Charlotte: Hey guys, it’s Charlotte. Amelia is sleeping on an inflatable pillow that actually has a pair of Nike Air Maxes inside of it, and Leandra is singing what she keeps calling “the theme song from Speedy Gonzales” even though there is no such show. She claims she is not drunk but…
On the left: TBT to Leandra and Amelia around 3 PM. On the right: Amelia down for the count, Leandra as Speedy G reincarnate.
There she goes.
Leandra is sleeping too.
We’re supposed to have a post go up tomorrow morning at 10AM. One of them is supposed to write it but last I checked, the text box was still empty which either means see you on Monday or now is finally my chance to go rogue.