How Jared Leto Became the Internet’s New Boyfriend

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March 17, 2014

And a glossy-haired beacon of hope for all

My breakup with Ryan wasn’t exactly amicable.

Or, our breakup with Ryan, I should say, seeing as I shared him with a few other women and quite a few men.

I’d assume each of us fell in love with Ryan as John Green described it: “the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.” For me, it began with his first crooked smile then hit the moment he hung from a ferris wheel one-handed (despite his really stupid albeit historically accurate tweed hat). In real life I’d never agree to going out with a guy who sort-of-psychopathically manipulated me into a date. But when you’re Ryan Gosling, stupid hats and potentially deathly ultimatums work really well in your favor.

The Internet’s collective love for him could do nothing but grow. The world wide web acted as an ocean and our feelings for Gosling played the role of the goldfish myth: that if you give the yellow feeder creature endless boundaries it will expand to the width of the sea.

Movie after movie, meme after meme, our hearts swelled and emotions grew stronger. “Hey girl,” he’d say to us on Instagram each morning. “I like the way you do those push ups.” “Your coffee’s getting cold but I’ll warm it up.” “Your hand looks heavy, let me hold it for you.”

Slowly but surely, however, the “Hey girl” jokes got old.

We overdid it. There were too many of us requesting his attention and affection. Imagine the weight he had to carry knowing the entire population considered him their boyfriend! The proverbial fish bowl of emotional expansion grew too large for his golden body to accommodate, and just as abruptly as we had fallen in love, Ryan Gosling broke it off.

There was a natural grieving period. Together we (his respective girlfriends and boyfriends) went through everything from anger to denial to calling him ugly to ice cream. Mutual group depression, by the way, is the only upside to having once dated the same man as millions. If misery loves company then the Internet fucking rules.

Lives resumed normalcy as legions of women and men returned back to work and grocery shopping etc. But as our mothers predicted, a new love hit us when we least expected it by way of a certain guy we’d known since childhood.

And just like that, Jared Leto became the Internet’s new boyfriend.

His similarities to Ryan were striking: blue eyes, tiny mouth, an air of mystery. They were both teenage actors, both musicians, both hot. But unlike Ryan, Jared had the bad boy edge: Ryan stopped the fights, Jared Leto started them.

And he was easier to be around — a bit more fun and carefree. For example, Ryan was always really hard to go out to eat with. He was SO picky. He hated cereal. Who hates cereal?

Leto, on the other hand, is just like, “Give me the full loaf baby.”
jaredbread

Ryan was all, “Bla bla kale shit kale.”

But Leto…not Leto. He’s like, “BURN GREEN FOOD, BURN!”
jared-broccoligirl!!!

If you’re down to go out, he’s puts his party bun on.
Jared-Leto-fabsugarNone of this, “Let’s just stay at home and read poetry” crap.

And speaking of hair, you guys can share tools, tips and products.
Jared-Leto-by-Terry-Richardson-jared-leto-22384783-1280-853Ryan couldn’t do that.

All in all, he’s just a really great guy.
jaredstoopinitTR

So for now, it’s going really well.

  • Sabah

    Actually died. Amelia tell me you’re a comedy writer? hahaha

  • Aubrey Green

    I think you two will be very happy together, plus there is no beautiful woman that you are competing with – you know, Eva Mendes.

  • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

    Amelia, you rock. JL is fucking perfect, although I am slightly jealous that his hair is now longer than mine. I’m going to write to him and see if he can yell “GET IN THE WATER!” at me to really seal the deal of getting over Ry.

  • http://www.stylevanity.com/ Alyssa Martinez

    To be honest, I don’t know what I like more, Jared Leto or Jared Leto’s hair. I like it since his Jordan Catalano days. Haha and I agree to @aubreygreen:disqus you don’t have a beautiful competitor on Jared, unless the rumors about Lupita are really true.

    • BAiiNE

      I’ll take Jared Leto’s hair! ha

  • Angel

    Love Jared Leto , truly a real artist.
    Check out my fashion blog :
    http://haute-couture-hippie.blogspot.ca/

  • Quinn Halman

    It’s like, I want you, but I want your hair too. I don’t know which one I want more. New feeling for me

    • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

      I don’t find him attractive to be honest, but he does have nice hair. I would go with the latter.

  • http://www.fancypantsandsugarshacks.com/ Meghan

    Hilarious and awesome!

    Meghan xo

  • Alena Höldrich

    Haha amazing feature, it’s so true!
    Loving his hair..

    Alena | meet me stylish

  • http://frailrouge.blogspot.com/ Victoria Larroque

    omg yes haha jared has been my longest relationship. Seven years and never looked back. (i might have added ian somerhalder to the potentials list) but jared was always first xD.

  • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

    Amelia you’re funny as hell.

  • Mikayla

    oh but isnt he a perv and a rapist????? unpopular opinion: ISnt it stupid he gets praised for playing the role of a transgender woman but in reality transgender women get shunned???? sorry but no jared leto 4 me

    • Alex Poirier

      I would take a guess that the people that praised his role in Dallas Buyers Club are not the same people shunning transgender people. He has also addressed critics saying a straight male should not be performing the role of a transgendered person. You can probably find this in interviews somewhere.

      A rapist? A quick google search turned up nothing for me, so I think you’ve been misinformed. He is, however, vegan, has taken massive steps in making his tours environmentally friendly, and is pretty involved in philanthropy.

      • yelyah

        I JUST googled “Jared Leto rapist” and there were several relevant hits. so there’s that.

        • Alex Poirier

          A quick search for me turned up only a few tumblr blogs/posts on forums making outlandish claims with zero back-up. I don’t personally consider tumblr blogs as relevant. I can’t find a single legitimate news source covering the topic.

    • Sara

      You are terribly misinformed.

  • mihevah nacuoy

    So this ryanperson is hé into sick chix/brings em (chocolate) soup/does not have terryfying relatives hetakestofancyrestaurants juuuust to name a few items on my bucket-unfilled-with-roses-list?

  • Greer Clarke

    Fucking loved this

  • seriously

    fuck this guy he is weird and looks like a woman

  • Danielle

    No, no, no! Charlie Hunnam is the new Ryan Gossling. You guys are so generic, but at least its not another lame post about Beyonce.

  • http://www.dreaminlace.com/ DreamInLace

    I’ve been in a relationship with Jared Leto every since he opened his pretty blues as Jordan Cannot-Read Catalano. As happy as I am that women everywhere are discovering the beauty and the mystery of this man. It is of note that he’s vegan. So while he might like cereal, he’s against the milk ;) (Unless it’s almond or soy. My boy loves those!)

    xoxo
    Kelly

  • Sara

    So Ryan is Ryan Gosling? I honestly don’t know what people see in him? I stopped watching him after Blue Valentine, where he was, by the way, excellent. Jared, on the other hand, yes!!! Not his look — although he is a good-looking man — but his personality is what I like so much. Great post!

    • sage

      Ryan, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Seacrest, Ryan Reynolds.

  • http://mafaldadotzero.blogspot.fr/ Mafalda

    The Notebook wasn’t that big in France, so nobody knows who Ryan Gosling is. As far as Jared Leto, I find him a lot sexier, and we could share hair tips too!

    Mafalda ❤
    http://mafaldadotzero.blogspot

    • fanfan

      and James marsden too.
      What a pity, that guy was in The Notebook. Well, his role was short, but still…
      Have you noticed how Rachel Mc Adams looks like James? 0.0

  • ptlais

    maybe Spike can do a film called HIM and we can fall in love w an OS system with Jared voice. mmmmmm……

    • ptlais

      Jared’s

  • DM
  • Sophie

    Oh God, he is just too fricking fit. I hope this one’s for the long-haul.

    Sophie x

    http://your-girl-is-lovely.blogspot.co.uk

  • Captive Louise

    Still prefer Ryan though.

  • Gabe

    And then he went and gave that excellent speech…

  • pinkschmink

    I just don’t understand how Jared Leto can be so beautiful. I’m not sure it’s fair that all the world’s beauty is in one man and his ombré. WHY?!

    Also, obviously I don’t want our collective boyfriend to be cheating on us, but I kind of hope the Jared/Lupita rumours are true, because that would unequivocally create the Hollywood power couple to end all Hollywood power couples. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE JOINT RED CARPET APPEARANCES?! But can you?!

  • http://jessjoycej.wordpress.com/ Jessica Joyce

    I’d like to congratulate all of us on the new relationship. Although I feel like most of the Internet is getting obsessed with Mr. Cumberbatch with his whole mystical aura. Jared’s got the edge that Ryan has long passed on. I think we’re gonna go steady for a bit.

  • Maureen Krezel French

    hes 42. is anyone really sucking that in. He’s “old” to all you 20 somethings. When i named my son Jared, my sister said…”after Jared Leto?” I said, who? that guy from that dumb show…? she, is also 42. I’m a few years older. He is hotter than hell at 42… anyway…carry on crushing

  • http://www.lezu.com/ L’ezu

    He is so perfect, we have always been huge fans. He’s also a total style icon! http://www.LEZU.com

  • http://dancelikenobodyswatching.me/ May

    You are so funny! I enjoyed this post so much!
    I actually NEVER liked Ryan, I know, weirdo! But it’s true as weird as it sounds I never thought of him as anything else than Noah.
    In the other hand Jared, well he is just so hot, lol.
    xo

    http://dancelikenobodyswatching.me

  • drew

    https://www.kickstarter.com/discover/advanced?category_id=9&sort=popularity

    Grey Moon . Jared Leto you might love this product.

  • http://clubwonderblog.blogspot.com/ Demelza Duder

    This is so accurate and entertaining… You are a comedy genius Amelia x

  • http://www.madelienerose.com Madeliene Rose

    He looks like a really pretty Jesus Christ and that bread he’s holding in one of the pictures just fuels my impression even more! http://www.madelienerose.com

  • Celine

    hahahahahahahahaha

  • sophie

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  • nancy roxana papa

    i wont to speak jaled leto !!!!!!!!!!!!

  • nancy roxana papa

    i am from argentinian..my english is a desaster i want to speak whitz jaled for telephone number is the mobile fhone 00541568933989

  • http://moorekrystal.wordpress.com Krystal Moore

    omg stop…this was too funny. Bravo.

    Krystal | http://www.moorekrystal.wordpress.com

  • Marta Pozzan

    All in all, he’s just a really great guy. Agreed!

  • Francesca Martin

    I want to wash his hair

  • Lisa Holley

    Amelia thank you for making me laugh. I agree with you. Remember our Jared is a self appointed Chelan. He cheats on his vegan diet when he sees food that he cannot resist.

  • fanfan

    You rock, girl. Ur article is so funny!
    And I suradore Jared ♥

  • stephanie

    The Party Bun photo: Justin Bobby, anyone?