How Jared Leto Became the Internet’s New Boyfriend
And a glossy-haired beacon of hope for all
My breakup with Ryan wasn’t exactly amicable.
Or, our breakup with Ryan, I should say, seeing as I shared him with a few other women and quite a few men.
I’d assume each of us fell in love with Ryan as John Green described it: “the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.” For me, it began with his first crooked smile then hit the moment he hung from a ferris wheel one-handed (despite his really stupid albeit historically accurate tweed hat). In real life I’d never agree to going out with a guy who sort-of-psychopathically manipulated me into a date. But when you’re Ryan Gosling, stupid hats and potentially deathly ultimatums work really well in your favor.
The Internet’s collective love for him could do nothing but grow. The world wide web acted as an ocean and our feelings for Gosling played the role of the goldfish myth: that if you give the yellow feeder creature endless boundaries it will expand to the width of the sea.
Movie after movie, meme after meme, our hearts swelled and emotions grew stronger. “Hey girl,” he’d say to us on Instagram each morning. “I like the way you do those push ups.” “Your coffee’s getting cold but I’ll warm it up.” “Your hand looks heavy, let me hold it for you.”
Slowly but surely, however, the “Hey girl” jokes got old.
We overdid it. There were too many of us requesting his attention and affection. Imagine the weight he had to carry knowing the entire population considered him their boyfriend! The proverbial fish bowl of emotional expansion grew too large for his golden body to accommodate, and just as abruptly as we had fallen in love, Ryan Gosling broke it off.
There was a natural grieving period. Together we (his respective girlfriends and boyfriends) went through everything from anger to denial to calling him ugly to ice cream. Mutual group depression, by the way, is the only upside to having once dated the same man as millions. If misery loves company then the Internet fucking rules.
Lives resumed normalcy as legions of women and men returned back to work and grocery shopping etc. But as our mothers predicted, a new love hit us when we least expected it by way of a certain guy we’d known since childhood.
And just like that, Jared Leto became the Internet’s new boyfriend.
His similarities to Ryan were striking: blue eyes, tiny mouth, an air of mystery. They were both teenage actors, both musicians, both hot. But unlike Ryan, Jared had the bad boy edge: Ryan stopped the fights, Jared Leto started them.
And he was easier to be around — a bit more fun and carefree. For example, Ryan was always really hard to go out to eat with. He was SO picky. He hated cereal. Who hates cereal?
Leto, on the other hand, is just like, “Give me the full loaf baby.”
Ryan was all, “Bla bla kale shit kale.”
But Leto…not Leto. He’s like, “BURN GREEN FOOD, BURN!”
If you’re down to go out, he’s puts his party bun on.
None of this, “Let’s just stay at home and read poetry” crap.
And speaking of hair, you guys can share tools, tips and products.
Ryan couldn’t do that.
All in all, he’s just a really great guy.
So for now, it’s going really well.