“How is it March?”
I always find myself asking that same, stupid question every month (although I don’t ask about March every month…sometimes I’m inquiring about the sneaky arrival of February, or fascinated by January, or bewildered by December). Strangely enough most people concur: “I KNOW! WTF?!,” as if none of us have ever heard of a calendar and this whole business of a new month is straight up sorcery.
Susan Miller wasn’t surprised by March. She was prepared as always — occupational benefit of she who studies the planets — and filled me in on what’s in store so that I can give you the spark notes version. She wants us all to have babies and warns ominously about April, but since Mercury’s out of its dumb ass retrograde (which means you don’t have an excuse if you lose your iPhone this weekend) I say we all just get a giant bowl of Lucky Charms and scoop the marshmallows out of her horoscopes.
You get the almond milk and I’ll do the talking.
Pisces Happy Birthday fishy fishy! You have a fresh new moon this month that’s gonna light shit up in a good way. Direct its energy in any direction you want, but focus on the first two weeks because it fades a bit each day. Suz, always with the accidental sexual innuendos, writes that “Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, will send his glittering beams to the new moon,” so it’s all about creativity and love and blessings for you this March. Know who else is a Pisces? Lupita Nyong’o.
Aries This is sort of a slow month for you, Aries. In fact, I wonder if an Aries annoyed Susan recently because she wasn’t her usual Cinderella self, although she did say the beginning of March is sprinkled with pixie dust for you, yada yada. Focus your energy on existing relationships and past projects and honestly, milk that for all it’s worth. “Yeaa…sorry…Professor Davis? Susan Miller said I shouldn’t start anything new so, I can’t do homework this month.”
Taurus Guys, we have been given a license to party by the very woman who once suggested we stay at home during New Years Eve. Let’s take this info and go for a damn jog. See old friends, meet new people, brag about the fact that 2014 Oscar winner Cate Blanchett has the same sign as us, etc. Romance and love should be “quite delicious” (eye roll because sometimes Suzie’s such an embarrassing aunt), work looks good, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll go to the dentist.
Gemini March is about your career, and your career is looking Gemin-fly. Mo money’s going to come in with no problems, but you’ll have to put in the effort to get it. Also of note: you might have a fight with a friend (actually — money may be involved so I lied earlier), but if navigated well it could turn out with positive results. And, because your horoscope this month wasn’t exactly a laugh riot, here’s a joke to share with an Aries: Two muffins were sitting in the oven. One muffin turned to the other and said, “Man, it’s getting hot in here!” And the other one goes, “Holy shit! A talking muffin!”
Cancer Guess what crabby patty? You are in your watery element this month thanks to the sun in Pisces (don’t forget to wish them HBD on the ‘book) and the new moon. Suz predicts nothing but sunshine and tarter sauce when it comes to foreign travel, higher learning, philosophy, religion, legal matters, publishing, and broadcasting. Aka, you’re having an Oprah.
Leo Roar, girl, because this month is bringing the cash. If you’re looking to raise money for a creative endeavor, now’s the time. (Embroidered portraits of Bob Ross on pillows? Hello, Kickstarter!) That said, don’t go turning Happy Place Pillows into a full-blown Etsy shop until May 1st because some other annoying planet is going into retrograde, but I half stopped reading and can’t be bothered to find whether it was Jupiter or what again. Just trust me. In other news, your love life will be vibing.
Virgo Your sign is hanging out with Neptune this month, which means your love is going to be strengthened like a P90X heart. However, Suz says the same planet can apparently make things a bit foggy, so be aware of any red flags you’d perhaps otherwise consider when it comes to DRTing. Sounds like money is a bit of an issue for you this month, and napping Mars won’t make it any easier. Set up a lemonade stand and wait until the 26th — apparently that’s a baller ass day in your eleventh house of hopes and wishes, and you’re going to want to circle it in gold.
Libra A secret may either come to light that clears things up, or, one of your secrets may come out; if you’re taken your partner may act like a bit of a lunatic this month too, all of which is to say that I think Susan Miller is watching reruns of Gossip Girl again. Good news: if you’re looking for a new job, now’s the time. You’ll feel waves of success this month and may get a promotion. If you’re self employed, more work will come your way. No matter what happens Venus is on your side so at least your Instagram pics will be on point.
Scorpio Matthew McConaughey’s a Scorpio and he just won an Oscar, so yea, safe to say you’re going to have a solid March. If you’re in a creative field, you’re about to turn out some of your best work, and when it comes to relationships, ooo baby: “This new moon will light your fifth house of true love,” writes our girl. “It will come like a magnificent bride, hold the arm of dignified Neptune, and together as they walk together in the heavens they will sprinkle golden dust over you.” Just remember to thank your new love in your future acceptance speech in addition to yourself.
Sagittarius If you are into home renovation and interior design, this is your month. If you are not, maybe you should just pretend you are for the sake of a good March. I’m like, 9 paragraphs deep into your horoscope on Astrology Zone and Susan is literally still going on about hardwood floors. “Do you want to take a little trip?” she asks, finally changing the subject. Apparently March 18th is a good time to do so. Don’t make any big decisions about love, and just enjoy all your new sconces and ottomans until March comes out of retrograde.
Capricorn It’s a good time to travel for those of you who share a sign with Jared Leto. Should you take a trip it will be luxurious and romantic, like the 2014 Oscar winner’s ombre’d waves and dreamy eyes. The month may end on a rocky note, so make the most of your good vibes in early March — visit the Swiss Alps! Take the bar exam! Write a novel! Sky’s the limit and Jupiter is cheering in your corner. Don’t sign any contracts to be safe, though. And why not — eat a waffle.
Aquarius You are last this month but certainly not least. You’re going to make money, especially if you’re an artist in any way thanks to Neptune. If you’re not in a creative field, that may change rather soon, and may the force be with you Young Skywalker. But passivity is never the name of the game. “Go out and beat the bushes until you find that golden opportunity,” writes Madam Miller. She also suggests that you buy some new clothes that make you feel like a million bucks. “Why shouldn’t you look great?” she asks.
To which I say, go forth and Prada.