What Kind of _____ Are You?

by Amelia Diamond
February 27, 2014
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Over-thinking Buzzfeed quizzes

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They say that ignorance is bliss.

I didn’t know, for example, what kind of butt I actually deserved. In fact I didn’t even know that this was something I needed to know, so life was going well.

But then I saw a BuzzFeed post titled “What Kind of Butt Do You Actually Deserve?” and I immediately needed to know. How else was I going to carry on with my day, get my work done or act as a functioning member of society otherwise?

So I started to take the quiz.

First question: Where does your butt belong?

I had six options:

assass

My butt belongs on a…wait. I don’t want it on a private jet — those things are unsafe. A museum would be boring. A pedestal implies ego. No stage; if  have stage fright than surely my butt does. Thrones seem uncomfortable and “floating in a pool” just sounds morbid, not fancy, so next question please. This one’s a pass.

Slap Your Own Butt. What Happens?

ass-quiz

After skipping two questions because I couldn’t handle them yet, I landed on this one and slapped my own butt. Nothing happened. I wish glitter happened but it didn’t. The closest thing that “happened” is my butt jiggled, I SUPPOSE, but flawlessly? No BuzzFeed. That’s Beyoncé-baiting, and I wanted the answer to feel organic. I wanted all my answers to feel organic to reflect who I truly was so that I could know, once and for all, what butt I actually deserved!

This was like taking the SATs all over again.

I’ve always been really bad at tests. I over-think the questions to the point of agony. For me there is no right or wrong because my brain just has to consider the gray area. The stupid “what ifs.” The nagging possibilities, the theoretical.

If Suzy has ten apples and then a rabbit eats three, how many apples does Suzy have left?

Well for one, consider the physical impossibilities of a rabbit eating THREE whole apples. That would make any human sick, let alone a rabbit, so this scenario seems highly unlikely. Maybe she lost the apples on her way home from the co-op and is afraid to tell her mom so she lied. But let’s say a gluttonous rodent did consume that much produce — does Suzy still technically have those three apples if she captures the fool before he poops?

You can imagine how stressful it was for me to attempt the “Which Baby-Sitter Are You?” quiz considering I consumed those books the way the Internet eats up these questions. Right off the bat I was asked to chose a PIXAR movie, which seems A) unrelated and B) like a completely irrelevant point of conversation since Dawn likes to hike and Claudia probably only watched art flicks.

To find out if I am either Tegan or Sara, I’d have to select my favorite place in Canada. Well guess what BuzzFeed? I have never been, so how am I even supposed to answer that question??!?

“Are You a Good Best Friend?” had me assuming “no” out of pure defeat, I couldn’t make it through the Beatles quiz and the one about cheese was just plain dumb.

What makes me sad is that I really, really want to participate. I want to know what Girls character I am! Am I Elijah? Charlie? And I want to find out if New York City is right for me. Or if I’m better off in London.

But until my crippling quiz anxiety lowers its ugly head I’ll just be sitting here, confused, unsure of what sandwich best represents me and wondering if Suzy ever made it home with her apples. 

Image via DSquared2 Fall 12 Campaign

REPLIES
  • Hanna

    love the retro. check out http://www.theclassicbrand.com for classic logos with contemporary flair!

  • http://www.wisebrunette.com/ Wise Brunette

    Love love love this post!! I over think questions sometimes so I can totally relate to the Suzy scenario. Best line ever: “capture the fool before he poops.” Technically Suzy has all of her apples and gained a furry friend. Hopefully she won’t put all of her eggs in one basket, though or else she’ll create a whole new mess of problems. – Amanda via The Wise Brunette

  • http://fashionmusingsdiary.blogspot.fr/ Miss J.

    Ignorance is bliss, for sure!
    http://fashionmusingsdiary,blogspot.fr

  • Angel

    Haha ,this post is so cute ! my but should be on a throne , of course !
    check out my fashion blog.NEW posts every Sunday,Tuesday,Thursday and Saturdays.
    http://haute-couture-hippie.blogspot.ca/

  • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CJKEYS2

    For the record, I’m George. Which is shocking, I totally thought I was a John. I hate those quizzes ever since I didn’t answer every question correctly on the “FRIENDS” one. No one will ever know Chandler’s job I guess!

  • Charlotte Fassler

    I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE

    • http://batman-news.com Chukwunonso Iwuchukwu

      L O freaking L!!!!

  • Kirby

    Love how this was just posted seeing as my friends and I have been obsessed with these quizes for the past couple of days. I recommend what food respresents your personality and which weird subculture wedding will you have.

  • Currency Michaels

    Lmao your a amazing, your like a quiz yourself to your fans. Nobody would ever get a 100% on the (ManRepeller) quiz

    • pinkschmink

      This is, however, an excellent point: I think we need a ‘Which member of Team MR are you?’ quiz, no?

  • therealdp

    your butt belongs on a horse, you are mad that was not an option. i got beyonce’s butt, meant to tell you. i thought for sure i would get kim. i am so relieved.

  • Maui Mendoza

    LOL, I took the “Which Magic Mike Character is your Soulmate?”. Did it three times until I got Big Dick Richie.

  • Great White North

    You live in New York and have NEVER been to Canada?

    • Amelia Diamond

      NO! But actually, this summer I’m making two trips (hopefully) one to visit a friend in Toronto and the other to Calgary!

  • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

    I always get SO stressed out when I do these quizzes because I really have a preconceived notion as to what I would like to get.

    The other day I sat down to take a BuzzFeed, and was like “don’t cheat yourself, Emma. Answer them as they come, be fucking honest with yourself.”

    Not sure if it worked or if it was a pleasant coincidence that I got the answer I was looking for.

  • Ana Lu Garro

    I wish there’d be a “like” button just like in facebook to like some of the comments of your fans and pretty much all of your articles. You guys are so funny it cracks me up everytime.

  • Natasha Cai

    I love this post! I struggle with these kinds of things too because there are always “what ifs” and “well it depends on..” answers to certain questions. Always puts me in a quandary.

    http://glimmeringshadows.blogspot.com/

  • Aubrey Green

    What’s funny is I actually LOVE PB&J
    Which Sandwich Are You?
    You got: PB&J
    You know what goes together even better than peanut butter and jelly? You and LIFE, you handsome devil.

  • Aubrey Green

    I deserve a Beyonce butt, hahaha – I think maybe I should take these quizzes more often…

    “You deserve a butt so sexy, swervy, and flawless that people might fall drunk in love with it.”

  • http://morethanglasses.co.uk More than Labels

    I see your point, Amelia. I’m also here dying to know what kind of pocket I am.

    http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/what-kind-of-pocket-are-you

    :)

    morethanlabels.co.uk

    • Amelia Diamond

      OMG.

  • Blake

    You are absolutely hysterical! I always love your posts.

  • Nicola

    hahaha this is hilarious given yesterday me and my bestie did all the buzzfeed quizes we could (while on opposite sides of the atlantic ) and cackled over our responses

  • Celeste

    totally irrelevant but in my address bar the title of this post appears as
    “what-kind-of-_____-are-you” it looks like an annoyed face between the of and are. ha ha

    • Amelia Diamond

      hahahahahaha it does, perfect!

  • Celeste

    you’re such an awesome writer, Amelia. just sayin’

    • Amelia Diamond

      FREE COOKIES FOR YOU!

  • pinkschmink

    The worst thing about those Buzzfeed quizzes is that the questions are so random and seemingly irrelevant to the outcome that it is IMPOSSIBLE to reverse-engineer them to come up with the answer you want (I don’t care how many times you tell me I should live in Tokyo, O omniscient Buzzfeed quiz, I know I should live in New York and that is that).

  • D. Broussard

    haha! how i felt when i got the danny devito chick in the bathroom for the “mean Girls” quiz…o.O

  • Chloe H

    Amelia, I really wish you could go through with the Girls quiz! How about going with instincts? I’m dying to know.

    Because, I happen to be RAY. Like Charlotte said, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE!