Happy Horoscope Day!
Great news, Venus is back. Bad news: Mercury’s being a bitch.
I approach horoscopes like a fair weather fan. When negative things are forecast for my sign — bye! Zero loyalty. But man oh man, when things are coming up roses for the Taurus, I’m all about my team. I am wearing the jersey. I’m letting the universe know that I’m associating myself with a constellation of stars that in no way resembles a bull and I am proud of it. This is one of those months.
In other news, Venus is back so you all should be feeling fine as hell. Now let’s dig in to the delights of one Susan Miller.
Happy birthday Aqua babies! Your gift from me to you is that I will not, for once, type the lyrics to that song. Your gift from Susan to you is this: your ruler, Uranus, will send a golden vibration to the new moon from your house of communication and travel. Cool. You’ll be more sentimental and mushy than usual this month, so try not to annoy your friends by making out with your significant other at dinner. If you’re single, mingle. Other than that, eat crab cake and celebrate — the end of the month brings $$$.
It’s an introspective month for you, Pisces. You’re going to look at the world and your part in it as if you were watching scenes in a movie. How very underwater Truman Show of you! Your intuition will be strong and you’ll crave alone time. Life will feel “quite glorious” in all areas of love and creativity — use that information as you see fit but it sounds like a sex swing may be in your future. Or you’ll paint something. Either/or, really.
Aziz AnsAries, old friends are coming back into your life, and friends in general will be “important players” for you in February. Mercury’s kind of being an asshole this month, so you’re likely to lose things. Don’t sign papers, and do not buy a refrigerator. I hope that didn’t just ruin your week right there — new fridges rule — but the good news is that it’s a great time for sweet lovin’, so get out there and kiss a stranger.
This will be a very exciting month for us Tauruses regarding career, home, and social life. I like to call this: Having a Beyoncé. It’s much needed after Venus’s long ass nap (must be nice), because the snoozing planet slowed down our progress. Susan wants us to throw a Valentine’s Day party for singles, to which I’m just like, Hang on, let me round up my cats. In other newz by Suz, it’s a good time to buy furniture, and a heavenly event is coming our way ’round Feb 28. We win!
Geminguys, I’d want to be you if my horoscope wasn’t so non-lame for once. Susan says that a beautiful new moon appeared on Jan 30 for you, which is causing opportunity rain down in ways you’ve not seen in months. You’re straight shining. You’ll be imaginative, creative, and your horizons are opening up. Also, you may become famous. “This sounds like a great month,” writes Suz, “and one you will find as delicious as ice cream. Eat it all up with a spoon!” I just hope none of you are lactose intolerant. <3
I’m gonna be real with you Cancers, your horoscope opens up like Zzzzzz with talk of taxes so I fell asleep for about four of Susan’s paragraphs. But I did pay attention to the part where she more or less said Uranus is going to bring you a literal buttload of cash, just out of the blue, so check your mail with fervor. Possibly anticipating your new influx of money, our girl wants you to celebrate Valentine’s day with casual caviar and champagne. As we say in the old country: Carpe diem! That’s Latin for YOLO.
Leos, I bet your ears have been burning because Susan keeps talking about you to the other signs. In a good way. Valentine’s Day falls “precisely on a full moon in Leo” so not only does your sign make February 14th fancy all around (see: Cancers having a very P. Diddy V-Day), but this holiday actually belongs to you this year. “You must promise me to celebrate,” says Party Suz. Go out no matter what — single, taken, catted up — doesn’t matter. Just get out there and flaunt your Versace.
Suzaloo says that you Virgos will be working on a new assignment this month as a result of the fresh moon that occurred Jan 30 in your solar house of day-to-day projects — aka the Martha Stuart Stars. Maybe you like to craft! Maybe you like to bedazzle! Who cares because this project will give you some much needed money. Mercury is in retrograde which is kind of boring to talk about, and since Venus is having a full blown cotillion to announce her return, you’re in luck regarding love.
Libras!! Susan begins your horoscope as if you had a rough couple of weeks. I had no idea! Why didn’t you text me? Never mind that because February is going to be good to you, and a shimmering new moon has lit your house of true love on fiya. If you’re single, you won’t be for long. If it sounds like I’m hitting on you, then maybe I am. Showering a lot is important this February because you just might meet the person of your dreams when you least expect it, and we all know the worst thing would be to smell. On a work-related note, you’ll be given interesting assignments and you will make. them. sparkle.
Scorpios, a new moon is going to bring luck to your side and push life in your favor. However, because of this stupid retrograding Mercury (there’s always one, isn’t there?) beware of “sure things” falling through. “Cast a wide net,” says our fisherwoman of the stars. But get this: “Scorpios working in creative fields will also do exceptionally well…all sorts of ideas will fall from your mind all around you, and when they do, [they] will shine more brilliantly than diamonds.” (Suz loves a Rhianna reference.)
The first sentence into Susan’s prediction for Capricorns said that you’re going to end the month richer than you started. Venus is also favoring your sign this month so a) you’re probably feeling like a full dime piece and b) love is going to flow into your life. It’s a great time for traveling short distances. Suz went slightly delirious and suggested you go somewhere with snow, but she also suggests somewhere with water. So, FIJI IT IS, TITO!
Leandra (a Sagittarius) has gotten so superstitious about her horoscopes that I get nervous telling the truth. Luckily, Suzaroo said good if not weird things this go-around: “You are about to spread your wings this month and fly away, dear Sagittarius, thanks to a new moon that will seem like a fairy godmother, who will make sure you go and have plenty of fun while there.” WHAT? Who cares, let’s dance. Be deliberate about communication this month, otherwise you might send an awkward email to the wrong person. Maybe this is why she wants you to travel. On the bright side, Internet media will shine for you. (Cough*read Man Repeller*cough)
A final note for all of us: Mercury is going into retrograde, which means it’s a good time to do anything with the pre-fix “re.” Susan actually said that. If this were an 8th grade classroom you know there’d be some boy who raises his hand and goes, “What about RE-fart?” But seriously, it’s a time to revisit, reexamine, rediscover, etc.
The retrograde will make February a slow month, so enjoy the sloth and put the re in Rihanna.