Junk Food Hair

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January 23, 2014

Head & Shoulders & Doritos

Not to sound like your freak of a younger brother who eats sticks of butter wrapped in waffles without gaining so much as an eyelash, but my hair can basically eat whatever the fuck it wants and still have abs.

My hair.

It has abs.

In the proverbial sense, though. If one can even proverbially have abs.

Before I continue and you start throwing text books at me, let me pad my rather unusual bragging by underscoring the fact that my skin still breaks out at age 25, my nails are like little baby bird bones, I have the eyesight of a blacked-out mole and my body issues run the same gamut as everyone else’s. (I, for one, do not have abs.) When I Snapchat photos of myself to friends with the caption, “I woke up like this,” it’s not to gloat about my morning appearance courtesy of a Beyoncé lyric but rather, a plea for help on behalf of just how fucking scary I look.

That hair, though.

It’s always been good to me, always been there for me. It’s predictable, dependable, with rarely an errant cowlick or rogue crease. And I’m not exactly sure why since I don’t really take care of it.

At least not in the way I’m “supposed to.” For starters, I wash my hair every single day. Any woman equipped with the Internet, a fashion magazine and an aggressive colorist knows that washing your hair daily strips your strands of necessary oils and turns everything in its wake to straw. Remember the no-poo trend? It was terrible. People didn’t shower for weeks on end in order to restore their mane to its originally intended oil-coated state that would — supposedly – eliminate the need for conventional sudsing. Well I don’t like necessary oils and neither does my hair. We are pro-poo, my hair and I.

I also use really basic shampoo and conditioner. Head & Shoulders is my jam. Herbal Essences, so are you. If I’m being fancy, I splurge on Dove, and if I just spent a lot of money on clothes than I’m probably more likely to use whatever strange Axe products are in the bathroom courtesy of my male roommate.

I’ve tried the salon recommended products — organic, color-friendly, the cream rinse, the gloss. My colorist counters that if I’m willing to splurge on lotions (yes), candles (always), clothes (hi) and shoes, then I should at the very least put some basic consideration into that which is comprised of chemicals and goes on my head.

And in the past I have. I’ve bought forty dollar bottles of goopy “miracles,” only to find that my hair reacted with an unreasonable level of horror, clinging to my scalp like a cat facing his imminent bath, or sticking up wildly as if I offered to set it on fire.

“You would think,” a friend offered, “that for someone who works in a city so consumed by labels and green juice, you’d care what you used and put in your hair. This is junk food,” she said holding up a bottle of conditioner that I’d gotten on sale. It smelled like coconut so I was sold. “Think of the damage it’s doing. Think of your hair in 20 years!”

But there’s no use in arguing with a teenage boy, is there? Not one who has developed abs simply by playing Mario Kart while eating an endless supply of Gushers and Doritos.

The metabolism will eventually kick in. The pizza bagel phase will fade — I’m already partially gray. But for now, in the words of Kanye, “That that don’t kill me, can only make me stronger.” So please, for the love of good hair and a slow motion breeze, someone hand me my brush!

Actually, I don’t have one of those either. Finger combing it is.

  • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CDJ

    You really do have the best hair. I’m the same way with shampoo/conditioner- wash every day with whatever is on sale at the store. I’ve been told I have nice hair (by my grandma), but I worry it’s thinning as I approach my first full year as a blonde! I ENVY YOUR FULLNESS, AMELIA! And you can brag all you want, I would never throw a text book at you! I sold all of mine on amazon years ago!

  • Dominique

    still love your hair hihi!

    new post up!

    http://www.dominiquecandido.blogspot.com

  • Chrissabella

    That post really made me laugh! I also think either you got good hair or you don’t, no matter what great shampoo you use or don’t …. love your hair!

    Greetings from London,

    chrissabella.blogspot.com

  • NadFor

    And yet your hair look beautiful :) I also use H&S, then whatever conditioner is on sale in the supermarket … and then I always put some oil.. so far so good :)

    xoxo,
    http://www.promstyling.com/short-dresses/

    • Amelia Diamond

      you put in oil? tell me!

  • Quinn Halman

    Confession: I’ve always wanted to be a ginger. I don’t care what anyone says anymore I think it looks gorgeous. That being said, the main thing that’s stopping me, besides my pigment, is that I’ve found my hair works best when it’s left alone. I am slowly cutting my hair to get rid of the ombre that looks great but makes my hair crackle and die a dramatic death. I do splurge on poo and condi (with my own money, mind you) but I realized that very few of these miracle products deliver. I am just forever a slave to the braid when it comes to hair turning out nicely.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Come to de dark side

      • Quinn Halman

        I’d look like the girl from brave but with dark eyebrows

    • Joie Mayor

      I’ve gone ginger, from dyed black hair, but have naturally dark brown hair. Be prepared to cut off the bleaching damage that going a lighter shade will do to you and let your roots get as long as you can stand before lightening them :) Also, I use semi-permanent dyes to get my lovely orange shade instead of permanent to minimise damage after bleaching, thats my theory anyway. I use La Riche Directions in Flame on my hair to go ginger from the orangey-blonde my hair goes after bleaching :) I’m from the UK, so I don’t know if that brand is available elsewhere, but theres loads of companies that do semis, enbrace your love for ginger is what I say! I’ve had nothing but compliments since I’ve done mine and I’m loving it!

  • Morgan

    The term “junk food hair” is brilliant. Kudos to your friend.
    It’s the same with super thin people who can eat handfuls of the aforementioned food and never gain a pound. Maybe it will catch up to them in 20 years, or who knows, maybe it won’t and everyone who was quietly and anxiously waiting for retribution will be left contemplating homicide.
    You have gorgeous hair! Girl, if you can get away with cheap shampoo then I say do it for as long as you can. If it ends up getting damaged in several years, chop it all off! Then you can start over. In College I chopped mine so short you couldn’t run your fingers through it (not because it was unhealthy, just because I wanted to) and it was truly a great experience. So later I did it again.

    • Amelia Diamond

      short or long hair now?

      • Morgan

        Long! Well it’s medium length I guess, slightly past my shoulders. I am growing it out from my last pixie that was in October.
        I think I will grow it out to where I have long mermaid hair and then cut it all off again :)

  • Sara Shabtai

    I totally hear that about the expensive shampoos doing nothing. For my hair at least, I’ve been better off using VO5

  • Brooke Creech

    I don’t think anything in this world could stop the frizzy ball on top of my head that is my hair. :)

  • http://taliashulze.com/ Talia

    Hmf if it’s not broke don’t fix it right? :) Is that a double negative?

  • gdimu

    Thank you for this! I have always had perfect skin, but my hair is a mess! I have recently learn how to take care of it so it looks kinda good, but I guess nobody is perfect, you may have perfect low maintenance hair but I have perfect low maintenance skin, so high five!!!!

  • monkeyshines
  • http://mafaldadotzero.blogspot.fr/ Mafalda

    These pictures just make me want to grow my hair very long!

    Mafalda ❤
    http://www.mafaldadotzero.blogspot.fr

  • hila

    You DO have great hair! I have major hair envy. Actually your post made me think that we all have personal issues with ourselves, but there’s always something that anyone can say “I’m not perfect, but I’m proud of my ____”.

    • Amelia Diamond

      “we all have personal issues with ourselves, but there’s always something that anyone can say ‘I’m not perfect, but I’m proud of my ____’.”

      Yes ma’am!

  • Andie Schlather

    I LOVE me some sodium lauryl sulfate… without those suds, my hair just doesn’t feel as clean. All the fancy poo’s are all “sulfate-free” blah blah blah, but I feel like spending $40 on a tiny bottle AND having greasy “clean” hair is just a lose-lose all around.

  • Josie Fillat

    I am of the opposite, my hair has abs, and I only shower once every one or two weeks. I don’t buy shampoo. I use soap on my head (vegan cuz I’m vegan) and after I shower my hair is curly and big. BUTT after day one it settles down and I have soft, wavy, NOT GREASY hair. What’s the secret? Braggs Organic Apple Cider Vinegar. I don’t work for those people. I’m just saying, I think you ladies (I’m looking at you, Leandra) should give it a shot. Since you tried the no poo. Get the ACV, put it in a spray bottle, spritz yo head (don’t inhale cuz stuffs power filled), and comb it. DO it. I DARE you. Don’t worry, you won’t smell like vinegar all day, it goes away in a few minutes.
    As I said, I do it EVERY DAY and I am clean as a button. If a button needed cleaning. It also works as a good deodorant. I might be a hippie, but I’m not crazy.

    P.S. I love this place. It’s the girl talk I’m lacking and the healthy dose of good fashion that I am NOT getting in Chicago.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Josie. I’m intrigued. Tell me more. Do I wet my hair first and then spray? This scares me. What does your hair smell like after?

      • http://channelspirits.bandcamp.com/ Josie Fillat

        I’ve tried to reply twice but it isn’t working =( fingers crossed…

        You CAN wash your hair with equal parts water and vinegar but I have only sprayed my dry hair. Sounds like it’s working for @disqus_X4juwDFAEn:disqus !!!
        I’m smelling my hair now…and it just smells like hair, and not hair that’s been bouncing around absorbing city stinks neither does it smell greasy or unwashed. I’m also new to this too, been doing it for two months now. It’s exciting and weird and amazing!

        This is what Braggs says: http://bragg.com/healthinfo/acvdaily.html
        you can get a good sized bottle that will last a while for $5 (and a small spray bottle) at whole foods!!

        • Amelia Diamond

          Maybe I’ll try this for a story!

          • http://channelspirits.bandcamp.com/ Josie Fillat

            You should! It’s easy and you have nothing to lose! Also, you could also add essential oils if you want it to smell. However, I’m not sure how the oils will stand out or how long the smell will last.

    • Vanessa Reyes

      I use Braggs Organic Apple Cider Vinegar as a rinse on my curly hair : ). As for a “shampoo” I’ve starting using a table spoon of baking soda with a half a cup of water. I shower every day but wash my hair once a week b/c my scalp gets really dry. Sometimes I will CoWash. All this is new to me but I find that it has been working well for me.

      • http://channelspirits.bandcamp.com/ Josie Fillat

        I’ve been meaning to condition with avocados but they make my hair look super shiny and I don’t know if I like it…

        • Vanessa Reyes

          I could do with a little shine and I love avocados. I’m afraid I would eat them all before I could use them as a conditioner..lol..how would you go about making the conditioner??

          • http://channelspirits.bandcamp.com/ Josie Fillat

            Oh, I know, my boyfriend made me a face mask out of bananas and agave and I ate it instead of putting it on my face…duh, of course

            I’ve mixed mashed avocados with vegan mayo (no blender for me), work the mixture into your hair and let it sit for five to ten minutes, and then rinse it all out. It works as a conditioner. My hair was the shiniest I have ever seen, too shiny as I previously stated. It’s the only mixture I have tried so far.
            I’m going to see how avocados with ACV turn out next…we’ll see!

            Other things to add or replace for conditioning hair are coconut oil, coconut milk, and agave. I’m sure a little more research would reveal more natural ingredients.

          • Vanessa Reyes

            I would have eaten the mask too, it sounds delicious…lol…I think I will try the avocado but will use coconut milk instead of vegan mayo…I’m a sucker for coconut. It looks like I have some testing to do over the weekend : ). Thanks @josiefillat:disqus!

          • http://channelspirits.bandcamp.com/ Josie Fillat

            Sounds delicious! Good luck!

  • http://www.fancyalterego.wordpress.com/ Heather P.

    I’m with you on that one. I rarely have problems with my hair – I chalk it up to getting the perfect combination of my father’s fine hair, and my mother’s mass quantity of it. Much like you, there are other things about me that suck to balance it all out…but I make sure to compliment my friends when they have amazing hair, because I know for them it’s not always so easy as blow dry and go.

    Here’s to a great hair day, everyone!

  • Adrianna Grężak

    I have fine, straight hair that I dye in my bathroom every couple of months. I stopped using a blow dryer in 2008, and rarely use styling products. I never use a hair brush – only a comb. I refuse to pay more than $8 for shampoo, and one time I stocked up when Duane Reade marked down brands like Garnier Fructis and Nexus for $2-$4.

    My hair got significantly stronger and healthier when I stopped conditioning every day – that’s right, the complete opposite of what we’re told to do. I shampoo my hair every day, and rarely condition in the shower. Instead, I apply $4 Garnier Fructis leave-in conditioner when my hair is still wet.

  • Élora

    So much jealousy in me right now. I have extremely fine, somewhat straight hair – and by “somewhat straight” I mean straight enough to scare off any volume that might be wandering around yet not straight enough to look nice/for me not to have to straighten it. Did that sentence make any sense? Oh well. And no matter what brand of shampoo/conditioner I use – cheap or expensive, 100% natural or loaded with as many chemicals as can hold in a bottle – my hair is just… lifeless. The only thing I’ve ever found that could give me a tiny bit of texture/quasi-volume was LUSH Seanik shampoo bar but it seems to work only because it dries my hair out so much that it almost has waves in it. Almost. Like it’s so dry it’s closing up on itself or something. Which probably isn’t a good thing, right?

  • http://newbornfanatic.wordpress.com/ Newborn Fanatic

    I wish my hair had that reaction to the expensive stuff!! :P

    http://newbornfanatic.wordpress.com

  • Rebecca Fraser

    I really love your blog! Im a huge fan :)

    Please check out my fashion blog http://rebellionfraseblog.blogspot.co.uk/

    Thanks :) xx

  • Mel Stevens

    In case you ever want to give it a little bit more shine, check out the pro naturals argan oil hair treatment =)

  • http://longleggedlady.com/ Jessi de Bergerac

    SAME. Hair ab sisters! I get it trimmed twice a year, and I buy shampoo so cheap that the sketchy Tenderloin Walgreens I go to doesn’t even bother to lock it up. My way of “styling” my hair is to take a shower, then leave it wet and take a nap.

  • Rachael Goodrum

    Hey if it works it works. People are shocked when i say i don’t brush my hair. But it works!

    http://www.rumandcouture.com/blog

  • Jordan

    I have a problem with the pictures in this article. All of these women are supposed to have amazing, beautiful hair, so where are all of the women with super curly, beautiful hair? You’ve got straight hair and wavy hair of all lengths and colors, but you’re missing the women who have tight curls and volume.

  • http://24hourfindings.blogspot.com/ Amiee

    The day the ‘untamed’ hair trend dies is the day I scurry back into my hole. Lets live while we’re young and take advantage of the one body part we can control without needing a plate full of vegetables and a pair of running shoes (and their 1cm coat of dust).
    Long live the anti-brushers!

    Amiee
    http://www.24hourfindings.blogspot.com

  • Becka

    No super curly hair gals in your picture stream??!! What up??!

  • anastasiaC

    not fair – my hair is the bane of my existence!…but I dont mind as I get weekly blowouts and everything feels normal once again!

  • http://www.ProHairTools.com/ ProHairTools.com

    Good hair styling tools always helps you have a better hair day!