15 Places Where You Will Need the 15 Things Every Woman Should Have

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by The Writers
January 3, 2014
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Well, there’s a mouth full!

Exactly one month and a technical year ago, Leandra listed for Harper’s Bazooka the 15 Things Every Woman Should Have. If you, like me, immediately rushed to the supermarket to gather everything she listed then you might still be standing in aisle 9 next to an armful of crap that in theory sounded great but now you have absolutely no clue what to do with, like a dog who actually gets hold of his own tail.

When Leandra finally called to see where the hell I’d been for one month and a technical year, I cried my predicament into the phone. Like the good friend and walrus she is, she rented a Zipcar, hightailed it to Whole Foods and picked me up in the parking lot. Then, as we drove home, balls and all in hand, we discussed exactly when and where I’d need those 15 fucking items.

BRB, Leandra’s logging on.

Hi, it’s me. Leandra. The woman who told you what all other women should have not knowing that you’d take me literally and head over to a supermarket that found you paralyzed for one month’s time, asking for a price check on humility and sincerity (#10) only to learn that neither of those items are actually for sale! Much less, I might add, at a supermarket that genetically modifies your lemons. Super sized lemons? Really?

But I digress. Amelia thought it might be a good idea for me to breakdown the previously cited 15 things and explain where you could use them so that you never fall victim to the fruitless pursuit of fruit again.

#1 was a Beyonce CD, which you will need when driving across Mexico to visit Mayaan ruins. Are you out of aisle 9 yet?

#2 was a good white cotton blouse (might I suggest Mugler’s poplin?), which, like #3, the power to say no, #4, the confidence to say yes, #9, a piece of sentimental jewelry, and #10, sincerity, you need on a near daily basis just to help you get through the humdrum of a quotidian Tuesday (or Wednesday, or Thursday). One where your hairdresser might suggest that you really ought to go for the perm, bangs and the salon’s new turtle-ass scented shampoo (just say no), or your courter asks whether you find him shady as ass, with toupee-looking hair (the confidence to say yes). You’ll need sincerity in both instances because irony is neither concerned nor accounted for when wo-maning up.

#5 was red lipstick, which you shall wear when you feel like poop. The color will mirror 99% of the instances that make you feel like poop because it is red like the blood that flows out of your Nile River. Pumps, (necessity #6) will be useful under parallel circumstances though their spectrum-of-utility is wider in that you might just wear them because why not.

#7, a pair of bought-on-the-whim, completely frivolous shoes, have no purpose or place quite like the present but sure do making conceding to bite the bullet on a pair of these much more digestible.

I was lying about #8. I don’t think every woman needs a pair of chandelier earrings. Can I replace it with a sense of humor, which will be best put to use in the company of misogynistic idiots? Or your drunk relatives? How about the time you will accidentally-but-inevitably walk in on your parents having $$$ex? Ha ha ha.

#11 is a trench coat which you could arguably wear every day too but certainly won’t find at a supermarket. It’s most urgent when you’re streaking, though. So figure tomorrow at midnight. That’s when you’ll need it most.

#12 is a good blow dryer AND diffuser because without one of the latter, you will spend your days looking like this. Of course, if you have your sense of humor on you during the days you don’t have your blow dryer or diffuser, at least you know it will make for spectacular memories.

#13, which is a place to store your dreams (a Smythson notebook? Your iPhone memo app?), is most useful in the first 30 minutes that you’ve been up in the morning — 50 if you spend any of those precious moments getting coffee — and the last 20 that you’ll be up at night. Some of the richest thoughts occur when interlaced between here and there.

#14, a reliable mascara, like numbers 2, 3, 4, 9 and 10, are applicable for use anywhere and on a near daily basis except in the case of your stye. I’m sorry that you have a stye. I’ve been there.

And finally, #15 — the only item you probably can find at a supermarket in the frozen food section: a pair of balls that once belonged to a man who didn’t deserve to keep them. You will need these to tell the cautionary tale of what happened to the last one if and when any rising hot dog tries to manipulate your finely seasoned buns.

REPLIES
  • Isida

    Love your posts- so entertaining!

    http://www.isidahorncastle.blogspot.com

  • http://glitterandblush.blogspot.in/ Rupsha B

    Haha.
    Love your posts. :D
    Glitter And Blush

  • http://www.fancyalterego.wordpress.com/ Heather P.

    Thank you for saving me a trip to the store today – I wasn’t ready to dig my car out of the snow just yet. :-)

  • Christina

    YES. Everyone needs at least 1 beyonce cd simply because she is amazing. I love her. I also agree on the Trench coat thing.

    Happy New Years!
    promisesofcoffee.com

  • Morgan

    Love this! Especially number 14. I have tried many an expensive mascara, but keep going back to my one true love, Maybelline Volume Express.

    Stay warm during Hercules!

  • http://www.quirkitout.blogspot.com/ Putri Soe

    The sense of humor is definitely a must. Like, in all situations, especially the ones where you just want to cry your ass out.

    For full-on throttle Miley Cyrus fandom:
    http://www.quirkitout.blogspot.com

  • Quinn Halman

    You gals are both golden

  • mageeski

    Always so funny!

    Emily | PENNY RUGBURN

  • http://shhhninetyfour.tumblr.com/ Ninety Four

    Genuinely brilliant. Note to self: buy Beyonce CD and I’ll have everything a woman needs.. (aside from that jar.. still looking for that one.)

  • http://www.anorexicescapades.com/ BougieHippie

    This has got to be my fav!!!! Brilliant!

    http://www.anorexicescapades.com

  • http://www.east2style.com/ iulia G.

    Quite funny! Love it!!!

    http://www.east2style.com

  • http://www.portmanteaustore.com/ Azra

    funny. love this post.

  • Mellissa-Sue Anderson

    Lmao! Love this. Every woman should have some red lipstick http://theislandgirl95.blogspot.co.uk

  • http://www.thehipsterhousewifexx.blogspot.com/ The Hipster Housewife

    The balls are probably the most important thing on your list (for any self respecting 30 year old WOMAN anyway).

    xx

  • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

    This is another instance in which you may need a pump/stiletto. I encourage every MR woman to watch this video. It’ll make you love Farrah more than you ever have before.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Eskff0RUQ8

    • Caroline Cuneo Killeen

      Brilliant! Thanks for sharing that :)

  • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CDJ

    I feel you on so many levels with this. I love how you specifically said “CD” because my father recently got a new car and when he was trading in his old car, the dealer was like “sir, you left your CD in here…” The CD was my Beyonce 4 CD. That Nissan was the best thing he never had.

    • Lena

      of course you love cds, cd-j, c-dj!

      • http://adeliberateimagination.wordpress.com/ CDJ

        THEY DON’T CALL ME COURTNEY DIANA FOR NOTHIN’

  • Tay

    I found the perfect Kenneth Cole trench two months ago! I also bought a new red lip glass from MAC this weekend and wore it yesterday to mask my shitty hangover. So necessary! I also think balls are an on going collection… there are a lot of misogynistic idiots in this world !

  • Jenasaurus

    hahahahahah love love

  • V from The Drastically Blog

    I admit I do not own a trench coat, rather some random jackets. This year, I think I will get a trench coat, darn it! Thanks for the reminder!
    http://www.thedrasticallyblog.blogspot.com

  • http://mafaldadotzero.blogspot.fr/ Mafalda

    I got a pair of pumps for the first time of my life last year, as well as a bought-on a-whim pair of frivolous shoes that I wear every day, but my sense of humour is what I hope I will never loose!

    Mafalda ❤
    http://www.mafaldadotzero.blogspot.fr

  • Iliyana Licheva

    awesome post! :D #15 – my favorite :)

    http://glamourgirl-bg.blogspot.com/

  • Julia

    You’re wittiness is incredibly refreshing, you’ve got yourself a new reader!

    Number 8 was my favorite, I completely agree :D

    Julia

    http://exploresmore.com/

  • Nadia Kanafani

    “I’m sorry that you have a stye.” Classic Leandra! I love how your blog can instantly brighten my day… lots of love! x

  • Emily

    Loved this post! Thanks so much to everyone at MR for providing such incredibly well-written and always entertaining articles! Love your work :) xx

    ohmygilded.blogspot.com

  • geogypsy68

    I dont understand why any self respecting person would stay subscribed to your blog , your language is like a ignorant construction worker ? It makes you seem to have a low IQ.
    You are doing a dis-service to your future blogging… There are other blogs that better without the filthy language ;) Good bye…

  • Costume De Rigueur

    hahahaahahahaahha..ggggreat post!

    CDR

  • Marianne

    haha I can definitely imagine myself having the courage to say “yes you do look shady Mr. toupee-looking hair dude!”
    and about the hairdryer and the lack of diffuser, a hairdresser once warn me to never try to recreate the brushing she was doing on my hair cuz once upon a time, a customer, who did try to do it herself, got her hairbrush stuck into her hair and had to rush in emergency to the hairdresser’ shop to have it removed… what a cautionary tale huh ;)
    thank you MR for making me laugh!

  • dupras

    Loved the original article, although every woman DOES need a pair of chandelier earrings! NEEDS!

    Blog à la Dupras

    <3

  • Restless Blonde

    Hahahah I love this post! :)

    http://restlessblonde.blogspot.com/

  • Viktoria Tzvetanova

    Full of sense of humor, love this post.

  • Karoline

    Everything but Beyonce cd. That is unnecessery for me.

  • http://thoughtsofglam.com/ ThoughtsofGlam

    Everything on this list is spot on. My favorite thing to carry is a ‘mini emergency kit’ that you can buy for under $20 which has essentials like deodorant, makeup remover which I included in my travel essentials post.

    http://www.thoughtsofglam.com

  • http://www.erptraining9.com/ SAP Training

    This post is hilarious.
    The list is wittingly humorous.

  • AnnaSafronova

    thumps up!

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