What to Not Wear On a Date…Ha ha ha
Defending all the stuff you’re not supposed to wear on a date because, who died and made you Patti Stanger?
Just a day shy of the one month anniversary of Amelia’s story, How to Dress for a Date, Who What Wear published their version of a similar story that commissioned the help of 11 style bloggers-cum-apparent dating pundits to discuss the clothes that women should not wear on dates.
The 11 opinions offered one example each plus a pithy reason not to wear X. And though it’s certainly not our style to maliciously criticize what one woman might consider her dating treasure — no judgement, just love — it is also not our style to leave, say, socks and sandals or sequins undefended.
But as is always the case, anything one chooses to wear should be underscored by a deep sense of self satisfaction and if that displays itself as comfort or discomfort, harem pants or no pants at all seems irrelevant when considering that which makes you characteristically you.
It’s just…sneakers? No sneakers? (That’s embargo #1), Come on! Never mind the intrinsic benefit of convincing yourself that you’ve successfully fashioned your body as one of those so-low-maintenance-yet-cooler-than-ice broads, if I know anything about the male species, anything at all, it is that they appreciate a woman who can keep pace.
Then there is glitter and there are sequins. Now that you know everything there is to know about those shiny-ass micro discs, you can’t really believe that selling the great awkward-tension-alleviators out in the name of a date is worth the sacrifice. What’s so bad about a sequin anyway? And why are we assuming that the other end of this date can’t handle da glitz? The critic opposite this style said “it looks crazy” but to that I say, “Aaaaand?????”
Next up: turtlenecks, but here’s where I stand — or rather, stood. When I was still swinging across the dating monkey bars, it was deeply important that whoever found himself sitting across from me understood my fundamental emotional dependence on Diane Keaton. And, really, how else can you spell out “You don’t own me” without actually singing it, lest you sport a turtleneck?
The next ban is on flip flops. Though we see her point, what if army pants are involved? What if you’re on a boat? What if the only remedy for your slight-but-lamentable case of webbed toe is to wear flip flops day in and out?
Tracksuits have also been mandated a “no-no” (their phrase, not ours) but tracksuits are awesome. Have you never seen The Royal Tenenbaums? Or met one of those effusive grandparents that seem indigenous to Boca? Does the deceased velour jumpsuit craze of the early aughts mean nothing to you? Never mind the comfort factor, what if you and your date decide to do this? (Click that link.) (Did you click it?) (Are you laughing yet?)
According to the next critic, guys don’t like the way our butts look in high waist jeans but that should just make it our moral obligation to wear them. Why? Because dating is a process of elimination. And if he can’t handle your large sized, rectangular vagina in the pants, he doesn’t deserve the opportunity to jam with your clam in better-looking pants.
Our last comment refutes a bar on socks and sandals because, EARTH TO READER, it’s December and if you want to wear sandals you best be wearing insulated socks tambien. Also, though, sandals and socks look cool, so make like Nike and just do it.
Just remember — process of elimination. Bring him to the ledge and then let him decide to plummet to his death-in-conjunction-with-you or hold on for (a) dear life (of whiskers on kittens, matcha on chia, camaraderie and questionable neck coverings/lambskin condoms.) And this.