Were you a member of Model Congress in high school?
Haha. Me neither.
Why would I ever elect to stay at school after hours only to refute or support fictitious bills as proposed by the equally fraudulent United States Congress? Here at Man Repeller, however, we’ve quietly enstated a new installment that we’re calling Model Congress internally because Amelia and I hold opposing positions on so many topics in conjunction with fashion. You remember the pants vs. man debate, don’t you? Or less recently, the one on dressing like a bowl of lucky charms vs. a funeral attendee. The first came in the wake of discussing the cost of looking natural. And today, we talk gloves.
Frankly, I hate them. I know it would be unfair to call them feckless because they do serve a fairly utilitarian purpose that is twofold — to keep your hands warm and to keep them moist but frankly, I am terrible with accoutrements unless they come on to stay on. Like a choker or a Cartier love bracelet. One time, when I was sixteen, I borrowed a pair of fancy-ass gloves from my grandmother because it was 25 degrees outside and I wasn’t wearing any. In just thirty minutes I lost them. I don’t even know how that’s possible considering the fact that I’d spent that time walking from 68th and Madison to 82nd and East End.
Sometimes I wonder whether there’s a purgatory where all the vanished socks and gloves of Manhattan are keeping themselves warm while our digits beg for summer to get its damn show on the road. Gloves unlike socks are typically fairly expensive which makes their loss particularly distressing. The fact of the matter is, I am lucky enough to have a coat — two even, so why not use the rather robust pockets built into the coats to shield my fingers from hypothermia?
That or a pair that come tethered to the jacket. Never mind, that wouldn’t work either — I am a woman of many rings, rings that I love to wear, rings that cannot be worn beneath tight gloves and as aforestated, I hate to take off my accoutrements so let’s just settle on three (five) of the best moisturizing hand creams together and call it a day without gloves — which is just like a Sunday that comes with no hang over, shall we?
Don’t listen to her, you guys. People who don’t wear gloves during the winter drive me crazy. First of all, it’s rude to the people who make gloves. Here are these hard working people, pouring their energy into creating a pair of hand socks that have got to be tricky as fuck to create pattern for and sew — can you imagine stitching four fingers and a freaky thumb properly so that the fabric encases human paws without giving its wearer a case of supermarket lobster claw? No, you cannot. — and then then there you are, throwing your hands into the air sometimes singing “ayy yo” like you’re friggin Taio Cruz.
It’s also childish, because only a toddler would elect to have their skin pierced with ice-air when there is, in all seriousness, a very good option that isn’t all that annoying to wear. Actually, I think that’s the only argument for those who don’t wear them: that gloves are annoying. You know what else is annoying? Hypothermia. Frost bite. Birds. Exactly.
What’s more is that gloves can be really, really chic, like these pony hair Acne ones that I’ve talked about before, or this cashmere lined pair from Club Monaco, or this camel colored twinset just begging to be loved. They’ve even come up with astronaut-level technology to allow you to text and stay gloved (like these guys at J. Creezy in a variety of flavors).
So unless your hands are so furry that people confuse you for Chewbacca (which they might! no judgement!), or if you’re Taio Cruz, then I really see no point to letting your hands go commando. You’re just begging for them to fall off, and if they do — no sympathy from me.
Well, may I just say: that is silly. Amelia dumbass Diamond obviously doesn’t realize that my hands falling off would duplicate her workload thus intensifying her sense of sympathy so comprehensively, it actually becomes a handicap she too experiences. But, uh, your turn! On the topic of this bill, put forward by the Senate of Y-Chromosomatic Repulsion and Hand Cloaking, how do you fare?