Woody Allen turns 78 on Sunday. This makes him a Sagittarius which makes me (Leandra), born on December 20, (what’s that Biggie once sang? If you don’t know, now you know…that I wear a size six shoe) feel conflicted.
On the one hand, I’m elated to share my sign with such prolific, comedic talent. But on the other: fuck. I suppose my incurable hypochondria and fascination with not just death but perpetually dodging it is a direct result of that which our cosmos have in common.
Rather than dwell on the inevitable end, though, let’s acknowledge this archetypal centenary the way it’s supposed to be treated: like a celebration, which, on the Friday morning post-Thanksgiving, obviously includes using the tools you’d need to get through your Saturday mornings, too: a slideshow (chock full of Woody and his ladies!) and you. In bed. Thinking about Thursday’s stuffing, trying to convince yourself that today might be the day you actually go to the gym.
But don’t do that! Life is for living and right now your bed needs you. So do your fingers — which are dying to continue clicking through the images above while you smile and maybe sporadically cringe as you wonder how the hell Penélope Cruz does that thing she does where she is inexorably beautiful all the time.
Should we play the “best Woody Allen quotes of all time” game, while we’re at it? Okay! Fine! We’ll start.
“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.”
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”
“Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone you love.”
“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
“You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.”
“He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat [...] New York was his town, and it always would be.”
Finally, because it’s apropos and curiously comforting: “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”
And, of course, because it ain’t a weekend slideshow without the right music, here is Sidney Bechet’s Si Tu Vois Ma Mère.
Okay, your turn. Miss you, love you, see you Monday.