The Avocado Theory

Holy guacamole.

avocadosAvocados are probably one of the greatest fruits-that-moonlight-as-vegetables ever invented. It’s like nature woke up one day was like, “I do a lot of annoying shit (tornadoes, earthquakes, hail storms) so today I’m going to make up for it and give you guys the avocado.”

The only caveat about avocados is that you have to be a total produce ninja to know exactly when they are ready to eat, as evidenced by an Internet meme making its round on Instagram:

Not yet. 

Not yet.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Not yet.

EAT ME NOW!

Too late.

- Avocados

With a banana, you can tell what’s happening on the inside thanks to a peel that changes from greenish to yellow to spotted brown. Not an avocado, where the whole ripening process ranges in mind blowing shades of the same color: very green, to green, to army green, to…I think this is still green, but it might be brown, and does that mean it’s ready to eat? Everyone who has ever waited an entire week for an avocado to ripen to make guacamole knows the horror of realizing that the specimen — perfect just one hour ago — has suddenly gone rogue.

So too goes the adage for men under 30.

Take your average guy in his early to mid-twenties. (Let’s call him Lev in honor of my roommate because it’s such a funny name and I’m going to have to repeat it a lot to make my point. That’s what you get for leaving the toilet seat up!)

Lev is 25, attractive, conceivably successful. Lev knows these facts about himself. Because of Lev’s self-awareness and heightened LEVel (hehe get it?) of self-esteem due in large part to a still-strong hairline and a metabolism that has yet to decline, he is in no rush to enter a relationship. He is playing the field and murdering dance floors. Lev is taking out every pretty girl in a ponytail that deems him non-serial killer and therefore will exchange her number for his pick up line.

Girls will fall for him. They will try to date him exclusively and will collectively lament when their efforts fail. They will wonder if it’s something they did or something they said, if it was the risky color of their pants or the fact that they ordered salad instead of a burger. But Lev just isn’t ready yet. (It’s not them, it’s him.)

At age 26, he’s still not ready.

At age 27, he’s still not ready.

28? No dice.

Then 29 arrives and one day out of nowhere our every-guy that I’ve monikered as Lev meets a girl. Maybe she’s not particularly special, not the “prettiest” nor the brightest nor the one he’s had the most in common with but because Lev is essentially an avocado he has decided that in this very second, he is READY and she is IT.

However, if said girl is not ready at the very same moment — (girls follow a similar pattern though I’d say despite the fruit’s phallic nature we’re much more like bananas) — then things get weird. Lev becomes overripe. In his desire to secure a mate he becomes too mushy both figuratively and literally, suffocating her with his need to settle down.

I’ve found that this stage tends to hit right around the big three-oh: his friends are getting married, his parents are starting to ask annoying questions, and the timing just seems “right.” It’s the ideal situation in theory, but if our lady in waiting is still a green banana, the whole recipe is off and the relationship inevitably fails.

My friend Lisa had just gotten out of a relationship (24, total babe) and while she was into the idea of dating, she wasn’t looking for anything serious. She was then set up with a guy in his early 30s who fit all of her criteria. They had a ton of fun, she was into it, and then, as though struck with the force of Cupid’s post-twentysomething arrow, it suddenly became apparent that he was looking for The Relationship.

“I don’t think there was anything special about me that he liked,” she said. “He was just so ready to have someone to move on to the next step with. It could have been anyone.” They ended it and a few months later, he was engaged to someone he met online.

Avocados, man.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE

Thoughts?
  • Sharon Macklin

    Very cute, and quite true (nowadays, anyway. I’m old, and that stage hit when you were younger then!).

  • Didi Ramirez

    This post is hilarious because it sounds like it should be a script for a hit Korean drama.

  • Leoma

    you are amazing

  • cicic

    Lol

  • Valentina

    Haha, I love this! It is also very very true. For all the green bananas out there <3

  • emma

    are you kidding. this is so dead on and perfect. thank you, Amelia! so well done and amazing insight!!

  • C

    Ey girl lemme get at dat banana

  • http://www.fripperyvintage.com/ Frippery Vintage

    Very funny! Perfect analogy!

  • swissinslovenia

    Wonderful observations… from my own experience, sometimes it’s worth for a green banana to use some spray tan (shade “golden glow) and just never let that just-right avocado go after any other fruit :-)

  • Sasha

    This avocado theory reminds me of Miranda Hobb’s Taxi Theory from Sex and the City.

    “Men are like cabs. When they’re ready to get married, they turn their light on. The next woman they pick up, boom! they marry.” – Miranda Hobbs
    http://www.sashabitar.com

  • FatFreeFashion

    Love this! Clever and so very true.

  • Frank

    omg, you nailed it on the head..this is a perfect comparison

  • Kate Barnett

    so. good.

  • hila

    This. Is. Genius.

  • mariemj

    So true, so funny and yet so sad. Am I the only one who finds this sad? Or is this because I’m still looking for my avocado?
    - yellow banana

  • britt stone

    profound. How do I never meet a ripe avocado?!

  • sarahmira

    super cute and so true.

    sarahmira.com

  • brunetteletters

    You couldn’t have said this better!! I love how you made us think you were talking about avocados, but then it got a great twist.
    I hate avocados now!!! … and yes, it’s all about timing.
    http://brunettelettersblog.blogspot.com/

  • Kelsey Cochran

    Nailed it.

  • Melissa

    a great way to tell if avocados are perfect, is to knock off that little knub part at the end. if the exterior is soft and that little dot is green – you’re good to go! if it’s brown – too late. i’m not sure how that works with “avoca-dudes”

    • Amelia Diamond

      AVOCA-DUDES!!!! <— !!!!!! OMG MIND BLOWN

  • ni ni

    its true

  • Fisayo Longe

    You’re so spot on. Come on girl, it’s weird how on the ball you are!

  • sophie m.

    And The METAPHOR OF THE YEAR Award goes to Amelia “Freckles” Diamond. [applause]

  • http://alcessa.wordpress.com/ alcessa

    Maybe we (ladies) simply don’t understand what it is like to have this huge seed inside, and all that lovely, much-desired flesh on the outside, and then one day, the flesh starts to fester, just like that?

    (once again, great writing :-))

  • Janice

    Hilarious! But oh sooooo True! And the sad part is that “ready” at 30 stage last literally about 10 years and if still single by 40 they start to believe their destined to be the next George Clooney of their time! #NoWinning

  • Hereshoping Themayanswereright

    Ohhh this is sooooooooo true!!!! I’ve seen this happen so many times, yet never really put it together as the ripe avacodo thing.Probably why there are so many crap marriages out there- timing rather than love. Brilliant observation! This was so so good.Superb writing and insight.

  • Jovana Miljanovic

    Hahahaha you rock! I shred this all over the place :) Thumbs up!

    HAVE A GREAT DAY!

    Love,

    Jovana

    http://jovanamiljanovic.com

  • arsarca

    Nice post — but how many women do you know in their early 30s? They got batsh*t for babies the second they hit 30, too. All the guys that I know are biding their time… and trying not to date women in their early 30s who just want to start banging out babies. (Even Beyoncé had the “babies when I’m 30″ thing going on!)

  • http://jessjoycej.wordpress.com/ Jessica Joyce

    Hm, then what does it mean when I’m slightly allergic to avocados? I still love them, but I eat them anyway. Just gotta get a quick dose of allergy pills afterward ;)

    Your Friend, Jess

  • Rebeka Osborne

    This is so good, not only your comparison of men to avocados, but women to bananas in that we are SO much more transparent. Love this!

  • Aubrey Green

    This is so true. There are 7 people that I know who were mere singles 2 years ago, or had just broken up with people that are all now married! 7 PEOPLE! (age range 26-32).

  • Chloe

    Hahaha this post is so true! You have the best sense of humor.
    xx Chloe
    http://topknotsandpolkadots.wordpress.com

  • Julie

    Would love love love a ‘Banana Theory’ post. I mean, i get it….but its probably better in your words than mine.

  • Charisse

    Brilliant! An ode to SATC’s “Oh please, his light is on”/”Men are like cabs” as stated by Miranda.

  • Stacey Freeman

    Hilarious. I can’t tell you how many avocados I’ve tossed out in the last few months. But you are right on point; I met my husband when he was 32 and he was ‘ready’ for The Relationship. Ha!

  • Dee

    This was one of the greatest articles/posts I’ve read in a while and I’m not just saying that because I’m a sucker for metaphors (and avocados). Great job Ameila!

    Men being avocados is completely true but I think my other half is the exception to the rule or he’s been ripe ever since I met him. He’s always the one in our relationship who’s ready and willing to take the next step forward. I, on the other hand, am slowly (very slowly) ripening and it’s clearly evident.

  • http://www.fancyalterego.wordpress.com/ Heather P.

    Well put, dear. :-)

  • Kristen

    After reading this, it hit my how true this was–we should be comparing our love lives/mid-life crises to AVOCADOS. PURE GENIUS!

  • Graciela Silva

    Brillant!!

  • Ablo

    Oh my gosh, I could not stop laughing! Poor Lev. But yes, in a nutshell, men are avocados, and women, we are b-a-n-a-n-a(s).

  • gabbythevampireslayer

    FYI You can easily tell if an avocado is ripe by squeezing the very top of it. If it is firm leave it a while, if it is soft it is good to go, if it is over soft you left it too long.

  • Latte Kate

    I say PEARS bigger culprit than avocado – a tiny window of perfection then bleurgh!! Unlike women who have many seasons of wonderful ;)

  • Mackenzie Mancuso

    Cute, hilarious, and also a little depressing.. Great post!

    xoxo, Kenzie
    easy-lucky-fr3e.blogspot.com

  • Holly Brooke

    Couldnt agree with this post more!!! Love the way you write and my love for avocados has still grown ten fold after this post! Think Il stick to the avocados from now on and not the male equivalent!!!xx

    StrawberryShortcakes

  • edka fulava

    Absolutely BRILLIANT, and so true!! I’m a total fan of you!

  • Carolina

    Oh maaaan! all my life looking for someone who would put all this things together in an understandable way! THIS IS GENIUS!!!! i mean total life theory.

  • cupcake6

    avocadoes keep longer in the refrigerator. Regarding the men thing, i don’t get it and never will. I’m fine with that.

  • Erika

    OMG! So true. And I have to say, love the analogy to avocados.

  • Feelgoodlookcute

    Soooo funny! And true…

    http://feelgoodlookcute.blogspot.com.es

  • Chloe Harrison

    I totally get this, those damn avocado’s, it’s all about the timing!

  • Lina Aquino

    AMELIA YOU ARE THE BEST! Love your texts!!!

  • Michelle O.

    I’ve always said for women it’s about the right person for men it’s about the right time.

  • Andrea

    interesting theory, i`m gonna let it sit…

  • Margaret Godowns

    This is amazing and so spot on.

  • Samantha Penner

    OMG I have been saying this for years and seen it happen before my eyes a few times. SO TRUE!!!

    Sam
    http://www.ThePeakofTresChic.com

  • Joy

    they don’t make you go bananas? ;P

  • Alina

    Very funny…it’s sad, however, that we are all influenced by the stereotypes, some values we’re introduced to in our families, sometimes being unable to tell what we ourselves really want. I’d say that most of shitty marriages and unhappy childhoods and stuff are the result of this…

    http://femmeautofatale.blogspot.ru/

  • raveamok

    Amazing, amazing, amazing writing. You wrote this in a deep, mythic, dreaming state. Thank you for showing us humanity’s potential.

    • raveamok

      Very Douglas Coupland-y and slightly Chuck Palahniuk-y. Almost apocalyptic.

  • Veronica

    This ladies and gentleman (or should I say avocados?) is the ugly truth! I think I might get a dog. I really don’t know how to feel about ‘avocados’ now. Their need to marry seems so hypocrite, I mean not based on love but rather a tremendous need to marry (because of peer pressure?) and procreate… (sigh)