Five Things I Learned from Wearing Man Pants
Like, for example, how nice it is that I don’t have a penis.
I have worn the above outfit approximately eight times since Saturday. What’s more? It feels brand new every single time I polish it off with that denim jacket. And though I fear my enchantment will fade simply by virtue of having photographed it (thanks, Charlotte) and shared it on a blogging platform, I am willing to take the risk. Why? Because there’s a lesson to be learned and — spoiler alert — it’s a good one.
Lady pants: who needs ‘em? The magic is in the men’s department.
[Cue collective, unanimous: DUH.]
Seriously though, I’m starting to feel like we are the boy who cried “wolf” only we’re mostly girls and we’re crying “pants.” We talk and talk and talk and talk (and talk) about the joys of menswear day in and out but how often are we (collective, not just me) actually forgoing ladieswear in favor of the Y-chromosome analogue?
It occurred to me when I first set out to fray those straight-leg jeans as documented last Friday that I’d never actually gone out of my way to buy a pair of men’s pants. Once I did, I couldn’t stop, which brings me to today where I sit clad in a pair of navy blue corduroys from — you guessed it — Uniqlo, reflecting on the multitude of fabric ankles still on my kitchen floor making possible the current exposure of my stealthy joints while I wax poetic on the five important things I’ve learned from wearing men’s pants.
#1: Their front and back pockets are considerably larger than ours are. This brings me to another point: has anyone ever considered the fact that maybe, just maybe, we’re the ones who have to come with baggage for this precise reason? Our pockets don’t nest shit but whose fault is that?
1a. While we’re on the topic of pockets, it is notable that men’s back pockets are positioned lower than ours thus creating the illusion of a more beautiful behind. Ours sit directly over our cheeks and end before our asses do. This creates a crease that I really don’t feel like going into detail about.
#2. Finding a good pair of mid-rise jeans can only really be achieved in the men’s department because the lady versions tend to be so tight around the back that our thighs and ass appear like two separate entities. When that’s not the case, it’s because they’re manipulated to look like men’s jeans, which makes them more expensive than they would have been had you just gone to the wiener depot like I told you to.
(On this note, the bonus point for us is that we don’t actually have wieners.)
#3. Vanity sizing is never an issue. While at Zara you may be an XS one day and an L the following, when considering men’s jeans you’ve got to surrender your right to a small size fairly early as you’ll be going up at least two or three sizes from your women’s fit. Even then, remember, they’re not your numbers so they don’t matter. It’s beautiful, really.
#4. If you, like me, have never been good with scissors but want to get better, cropping pants on a near daily basis is a good way to achieve that level of perfection. I will, however, say that there is some value in leaving some of the pants long and wearing them baggy like you’re Miranda Kerr or something.
And finally, #5: It’s refreshing to think that when they say, “she wears the pants,” they mean it.