I’m going to say the thing about Halloween that everyone else has been saying but seemingly no one has been putting to practice: stop it, Ricky’s! Just stop! Alto! Enough! I do not want to spend $79.90 on the polyester version of a pink mini-dress modeled after those of the somewhat iconic 1950s girls-of-Soda-Pop. Furthermore, I certainly don’t want to concede to making the purchase based on the pretense that I should call myself, as your packaging suggests, a “Soda Pop Sex Pot” all night.
Where is the creativity, people? One year, my friend Jaime dressed as a “slutty teacher” and called herself Professor Do Me Decimal. You’ve got to give her credit for the irreverent wit — short skirt, cold air notwithstanding. But, no, I won’t continue on this trajectory about that which drives a girl to dress a certain way on Halloween — namely because I don’t necessarily stand against promiscuous costumes. ‘Tis the eve to be whoever you want to be — so strip away (literally or not) the societal standards-of-what’s-normal and glow girl. Just glow.
But I digress.
Who wants to spend their hard earned money on a costume you will wear for one night only? Not I, for one (only). Which is precisely why last year I delivered a story on the costumes you could create using the existing contents of your closet. Figure some jeans and sneakers for Larry David, whatever you wore in your most recent Facebook picture for you as your Facebook picture. But this year, Man Repeller is scaling back one more step, forgoing clothing period and suggesting that you use your own limbs to devise the perfect Halloween costume.
See that? Just me dressed like a plebe BUT gesticulating a shark fin behind my back and therefore outfitted in completely appropriate Halloween garb. Even Amelia is scared shitless as evidenced by her running away from me like a little bitch.
Some other ideas we had include this story’s featured image, which suggests you simply pull all your hair to the front of your head and put a pair of sunglasses over them to encapsulate the spirit of Cousin It. The pro here: it’s free. The con: you won’t be able to do important things like drink or less important things like walk without bumping into walls.
You can also round up all of one friend and request that she hold your hand through the duration of the night. When people ask why you’ve been holding hands, you’ll just tell them you’re the Emoji “sisters”. The pro is night-long companionship here. The con is having to forfeit use of one whole hand — but at least now you’ll know what it feels like to be a conjoined twin.
Another idea I had last week includes not attending any parties at all. And when people ask where you were on Monday morning, you just say you were there — but dressed as an invisible person. For dramatic effect, you can Google-search images from the venue you were supposed to be at, filter them on Instagram and show them to said people. “See?,” you’ll bark. The pro is that you’ll save a shit ton of money, the con is that you’ll be home alone — the thing is, this is also a pro because you can watch, like, a million episodes of SNL.
On the same note, you can also cross your arms, leaving sufficient distance between your arms and your person. When people ask what you’re doing, you can just tell them that for Halloween you are dressed as an incredibly nurturing mother holding your baby to make sure little Josephina doesn’t fall. Pro: Armcercise. Con: You will look like a moron.
The other thing you can do is just keep your hand on your head. “I’m a medical anomaly! I was born with a hand on my head!” you will be required to shout at least once every fifteen minutes. On the bright side, unlike in the case of invisible baby, you can still use one hand to text and such.
Finally, there is one more idea and it appears as an image below that features Amelia fashioning a pouting mouth and keeping an arm over her head, hands and fingers delicately swaying back and forth. Can you guess what she is?
Yup, you got it! A cat’s butt.
Now…I know what you’re thinking and: you’re welcome.