I’m throwing in the towel. While I’ve been endorsing the use of teeny, tiny futile clutches for the past, I don’t know, two years, I’ve got to concede to a larger bag especially in the wake of the week that is fashion. Why? Because as much as I want to believe I am a lady of few belongings, I have a lot of shit. Like a shit ton of shit.
So what’s a girl to do? Ah, yes, find a large bag that closely resembles a briefcase so she can feel the right dose of masculine and fit her computer inside of it, if need be. Extra brownie points will be awarded if the bag in question is denim, features plaid patchwork and may or may not hail from a recent collaboration between the leather wunderkinds at Loewe (pronounced Lo-eh-weh in case you’re wondering) and the Japanese super-humans at Junya Watanabe (pronounded Wah-tah-nah-bey in case you’re wondering).
Though my close friend’s mother used to tell him that all girls come with baggage and he’s just got to choose the ones that travel with carry-ons, I have to wonder if that rule still applies during Fashion Week. Why? Because the enormous mass of baggage that I, for one, carry around can prove incredibly helpful should you find yourself in any of the following scenarios.
Scenario #1: You’ve committed a crime, maybe you accidentally sat in Grace Coddington’s seat at Altuzarra. Or Lynn Yaeger’s. You’ll need your passport to flee the country. (Also, the Upper West Side, home to Lincoln Center, is pretty far from the Lower East Side, where we typically operate.)
Scenario #2: You’ve been admitted to as many shows as you wanted to attend but only with Standing tickets. If you bring your crystal glue gun around with you, though, you may or may not be afforded the opportunity to literally glue your ass to a chair and dub yourself a “front row fixture.” Also, you may want to glue more patches to your bag. Or rhinestones to your teeth.
Scenario #3: You see a cab but it doesn’t see you. Don’t worry. You have a slingshot. Also, if you need to, dinging an archnemesis in the nose will be much easier from the comfort of your removed, vantage point.
Scenario #4: You’ve just left the Jeremy Scott show and have concluded that you really miss Michael Jackson. Good thing you have a Diptyque candle and enormous sized lighter to initiate a séance!
Scenario #5: You’re hungry so you eat Swedish Fish and in doing so also realize you have blisters which is where your Band-Aids come in. These are Cynthia Rowley which makes them crazy, sexy, cool and if you want to put one on your face you can totally give Nelly a run for his money.
Scenario #6: You forgot to get an iced coffee and need one. In fact, if you don’t have one you are almost positive your head will fall off but not to worry – you have loads of straws, so, locate the nearest Iced Coffee, reach your extra long, self-constructed straw into the next person’s and take a sip. You can then use the flashlight to shine into the person’s eye so they’re distracted while you’re drinking.
In addition to the items outlined and highlighted above, there is also lipstick and a pair of sunglasses in my bag but those things are practically useless when considering a First Wives Club DVD which I failed to mention originally. You just never know when you might need to put on your best Bette Midler.
Should I even ask what’s in your bag?