Playing Stylist (And God) With Everyone’s VMAs Outfits

Miley in Versace Resort 2014

Katy in Gucci Resort 2014

Iggy in Marc Jacobs Fall 2013

Taylor in Acne Resort 2014

Lana in Altuzarra Resort 2014

Rihanna in The Row Resort 2014

Kim in Roksanda Ilincic Resort 2014
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by Contributing Writer
August 24, 2013
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Like Barbies, only with higher stakes

Written by Carlye Wisel

Guys, it’s Saturday and that means it’s almost Sunday and Sunday is the VMAs! The Catalina Wine Mixer equivalent of all hobnobbing celebrity events! It’s where dressing up like a butcher’s freezer is accepted; covering your torso in your own records is praised.

Encouraging bombastic award show style is practically the last strand of old-school MTV that still shines through, shedding a snippet of light on their formerly anti-establishment, effortlessly cool selves. Now, of course, MTV is as sterile as your gyney’s stirrup table, but they still routinely kill it by way of red carpet moments.

Because this year’s VMAs is happening in my own backyard of Brooklyn, I feel a sense of ownership over the event. I sort of feel like I’m playing host — the kind of host who writes ahead to individual guests and gently suggests outfits they should consider sporting. So, in assuming the role of wacky host-cum-celebrity stylist for a night, I present the stars we’ll all be watching and what I hope they wear:

Miley Cyrus

America would collectively drop-then-shatter their smartphones if the spiky-haired black sheep of the post-Disney era showed up in in a look that ranked anywhere on the spectrum of church-appropriate. But Miley would never do that to us and I’d never do that to her.

In styling Miley Cyrus, one must consider an outfit that covers each fact of her signature red carpet trifecta:

  1. It should have the ability to double as a potential stripper costume.
  2. It should be so garishly small that it may induce a heart attack in beloved elders.
  3. It should always be paired with this expression.

Is it possible to twerk in a glimmery Versace button down doubling as a dress without a labial fold falling out? I’m not sure. But god damn, I can’t wait to find out. After all, for someone who’ll be yelling “VERSACE VERSACE VERSACE VERSACE” all night anyway, Miley may as well put the money where her grill is.

Katy Perry

Once you start waking up next to John Mayer and peeing in his home bathroom, you kinda gotta stop wearing lollipop bras in public. This Gucci two-set is still mindbogglingly badass, a mild sartorial challenge ripe for the back pages of Us Weekly, and bonus: it totally looks like an old-timey Life Savers package. I wouldn’t let the Candy Queen can’t give up the throne that easy. (Mostly because it’s probably edible, and wasting desserts is a war crime.)

Iggy Azalea

Lil’ Kim already had a full blown titty hanging out of her shirt before we even hit the year 2,000, which means that Iggy Azalea, in all her hoodrat-meets-rich-stripper glory, has got to bring it. Lucky for her the VMAs fall on National Go Topless day. And lucky for me as her fake stylist, Marc Jacobs sent this raise-your-hand-and-bear-all look down the runway last Fall.

Taylor Swift

One of life’s undiscussed truths, often disguised by t-strap heels (ick) and half-sleeved dresses (why) is that Taylor Swift has the build of a runway model.

“She looks amazing in everything so why bother picking her out a fantasy dress?” I asked myself, spoon whirling around peanut butter jar for the third round, until this two-piece Acne gem glittered its way back into mind. For real, how bangin’ would T. Swift be all wrapped up like a buttered potato, making her exes jealous while potentially blinding innocent bystanders outside Barclays? Sharp as shit, without a doubt. Unless she stood directly in the sun. Then we’d be in trouble.

Lana Del Rey

Because isn’t this Altuzarra dress what Lana wears at home when she’s just relaxing? On a chaise lounge, with a manservant bringing her fresh basil lemonade, plump grapes and cucumber tea sandwiches? Her home probably doesn’t even have walls, just marble pillars holding up the roof, allowing the breeze to blow in off the Mediterranean coast like her life’s a rare, blood-free scene of Game of Thrones.

“Miles,” she shouts, “Come entertain me with your wit.” And the day wastes away into night, sun setting over water. Yeah, this dress will do.

Rihanna

Truth be told, we don’t even know if she’ll show, but with a nod for Best Female Video, we’re taking the consideration and running with it.

Now, if tears started falling out of your eyes at the thought of having to layer spaghetti strap tanks over ¾ sleeve shirts next season — three-quarter, oh, what a dated notion — don’t freak. The Rihanna throwback train is about to pull into this station anyway, so why not let her do it under the guise of high fashion, a la The Row? She’s already trekked through early-decade crunchy curls and kicked it with ‘90s streetwear, so it’s a natural, albeit hilarious progression, even if it does border on Michael Stars formalwear. (Let it be known: if she busts out some Steve Madden elastic slides along with it, she’s officially our homegirl for life.)

Kim Kardashian

LOL. Talk about greatest “F You” to the world for wanting to judge her immediately after excreting a baby, right? With Kanye West set to perform this weekend, there’s just no way America’s Sweetheart won’t show up and pass on a golden press opportunity. Though Kim’s big return to the public eye probably has a Herve Lerger dress somewhere in its tailspin, we’re hoping she does rest of it in style. Specifically, by kicking it in the perfect postpartum, paparrazi-busting muumuu available.  First off, it’s designer. (You know how much she loves brands.) Secondly, it’s Yves Klein Blue, an artistic reference ol’ Yeezy will be sure to adore her for discovering. And thirdly: rocking a Fat Betty-style triangle sheath is the way back into all of our reality TV love-hating hearts.

And, because we couldn’t quite decide ourselves, what do you think Lady Gaga will show up in? A Megazord made from the flesh of frenzied fans? A goatskin bodysuit with handprints all over it? Will she climb inside the belly of an elephant and remain there until the end? Do tell. We’ll be watching with you.

REPLIES
  • Oliver Lips

    So great, but I do not think that Rihanna will dress this prude!
    And what about Lady Gaga? She’ll be THE person expected!

    http://www.lips2lagerfeld.com
    http://www.lips2lagerfeld.com

  • STYLE-SQUARED

    hehehe, made me laugh!taylor wouldn;t be caught dead in that thingeven though is awesome!love kim’s look and miley looks darn good too!;)

    http://style-squared.blogspot.ca/

    • (BAD) Blog About Design

      Can you imagine Taylor in a suit? I love the dress you put Kim in. Im kinda digging all the patterns Katy’s wearing as well.

      Check out the BAD blog…http://design-bad.blogspot.com/

  • Alejandra

    So where do we meet to protest Kim actually wears that? This is a serious question: what is Harry Styles wearing?

  • http://www.fancyalterego.wordpress.com/ Heather P.

    I think I’m going to start using the phrase “sharp as shit” if that’s okay.

    I actually like the Kim K. outfit. I think it’d be a great way to stand out in a crowd, yet leave enough to the imagination (as I believe lots of new mothers aspire to do while waiting for things to go back from whence they came). That, and you KNOW she can’t do anything below the knee, like, ever – and this totally fits the bill.

    Now, to find some candy-print pants…..

  • Charnele Michel

    The photos are hilarious especially rihanna’s little house on the prairie smock ! Can’t wait to see what these ladies choose tomorrow night!

    xoxo
    ChaChaTheFashionGenius.com

  • Glitter Daiquiri

    I really think the Kim and Rihanna ones are spot on. I think there would nothing better than if Rihanna showed up in something borderline matronly. And nothing would make America think that Kim is a real girl like some serious cover-up.

  • http://www.fashionsnag.com/ Fashion Snag
  • CarolinaG

    Love your blog!

    I’m posting looks from Los Angeles and accessories:

    http://www.thegavlaks.com

  • http://rightternes.com/ RightTernes

    If I see KimK in Yves Klien blue, I’m gonna die of happiness. Lady Gaga will probably wear a Chihuly glass tube dress that swirls with the tears of virgins.

  • Susannah Bloom

    LANA DEL REY IS A GODDESS AND OKAY I JUST LOVE HER. Also I really want to see Taylor in something more cool, like the Acne suit. She always plays it so safe. If I had that body then I would go with something a little more daring.

  • fbcreations

    I cannot stop laughing at the Betty-Draper-after-baby-n.3 KK look (glad there wasn’t enough fabric for gloves). You’ll be an inspiration tomorrow night.

    • http://AwkwardCity.com/ AwkwardCity

      Betty Drapes post-baby is SO dead on with that muumuu. Good freakin’ call, dude!

  • http://nusardel.com/ Nusardel

    Forgive me for just skipping the entire text content of this post, but just going by the (perfectly Photoshopped) photos, I’m pretty sure you’ve nailed it. And if you haven’t, their stylists all need to rethink what they’re doing.

  • Kate Barnett

    katy is perfect in gucci.

  • Giuliana

    Dude, you’re so mean! Love it. Check out The Art Sartorialist: Black Panther
    Also, you can follow me on bloglovin and on my Facebook Page!!!
    xxx
    Giu.

  • Marta

    This was just hilarious. Thank you.

  • Michèle
  • http://alcessa.wordpress.com/ alcessa

    What a scare – I misread a sentence in your post. For a split second I thought it says “Miley,” she shouts, “Come entertain me with your wit.” LOL

    Lady Gaga will dress up as Lady Saga, wearing her frilled kitchen apron? Made by little hobbits forced to work hard in Isengart? In Frodo’s dream?

  • Fashionably Sparkly

    I love how you styled Miley! and it would be interesting to see Taylor wearing that suit! haha

    Fashionably Sparkly

  • Rebecca

    You’ve really picked out some good looks on the stars. You should be paid for your suggestions!

    http://www.yess-please.blogspot.co.uk

  • http://jessjoycej.wordpress.com/ Jessica Joyce

    Thanks for giving us a well-researched and thorough preview of what’s to be expected tonight at the VMAs! When I brag to my friends tonight about what celebs will be wearing, it’ll be your fault!

    Your Friend, Jess

  • Perry

    These people are irreverent when it comes to fashion. I’m sorry, but will Rihanna actually appreciate The Row? Does Kim even know who Roksanda is? She only knows Prada or Givenchy.

  • ROBERT

    YOU ARE THE WORST STYLIST. IS YOUR GOAL TO GET THE YOUR CLIENTS ON THE WORST DRESSED LIST

  • Makea King

    I think Lana’s and Miley’s would have actually turned out great.

    See my recap of the VMAs here: http://mildredleeproductions.com/

  • http://ravenmaidenmaven.blogspot.com/ Lydia Teo

    If only Miley actually wore what you picked out for her…

    ravenmaidenmaven.blogspot.com

  • http://newbornfanatic.wordpress.com/ Newborn Fanatic

    Haha omg please no more Miley Cyrus twerking!! I don’t even want to imagine it even if its with that Versace outfit. :P

    P.S. I had to do a double take with Rihanna’s outfit. I cannot imagine her wearing that!! It’ll be fun to see what she does to that outfit to make it “badgirl riri”.

    https://newbornfanatic.wordpress.com/

  • Stephan Fuetterer

    Fun post! Like it so much! I think the “contributing writer” deserves to be known by the fans of this blog. Don’t you think? ;)

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  • Luisa Santana

    I didn’t enjoy this article, she isn’t as witty as Leandra or Amelia.

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