Playing Stylist (And God) With Everyone’s VMAs Outfits
Like Barbies, only with higher stakes
Written by Carlye Wisel
Guys, it’s Saturday and that means it’s almost Sunday and Sunday is the VMAs! The Catalina Wine Mixer equivalent of all hobnobbing celebrity events! It’s where dressing up like a butcher’s freezer is accepted; covering your torso in your own records is praised.
Encouraging bombastic award show style is practically the last strand of old-school MTV that still shines through, shedding a snippet of light on their formerly anti-establishment, effortlessly cool selves. Now, of course, MTV is as sterile as your gyney’s stirrup table, but they still routinely kill it by way of red carpet moments.
Because this year’s VMAs is happening in my own backyard of Brooklyn, I feel a sense of ownership over the event. I sort of feel like I’m playing host — the kind of host who writes ahead to individual guests and gently suggests outfits they should consider sporting. So, in assuming the role of wacky host-cum–celebrity stylist for a night, I present the stars we’ll all be watching and what I hope they wear:
America would collectively drop-then-shatter their smartphones if the spiky-haired black sheep of the post-Disney era showed up in in a look that ranked anywhere on the spectrum of church-appropriate. But Miley would never do that to us and I’d never do that to her.
In styling Miley Cyrus, one must consider an outfit that covers each fact of her signature red carpet trifecta:
- It should have the ability to double as a potential stripper costume.
- It should be so garishly small that it may induce a heart attack in beloved elders.
- It should always be paired with this expression.
Is it possible to twerk in a glimmery Versace button down doubling as a dress without a labial fold falling out? I’m not sure. But god damn, I can’t wait to find out. After all, for someone who’ll be yelling “VERSACE VERSACE VERSACE VERSACE” all night anyway, Miley may as well put the money where her grill is.
Once you start waking up next to John Mayer and peeing in his home bathroom, you kinda gotta stop wearing lollipop bras in public. This Gucci two-set is still mindbogglingly badass, a mild sartorial challenge ripe for the back pages of Us Weekly, and bonus: it totally looks like an old-timey Life Savers package. I wouldn’t let the Candy Queen can’t give up the throne that easy. (Mostly because it’s probably edible, and wasting desserts is a war crime.)
Lil’ Kim already had a full blown titty hanging out of her shirt before we even hit the year 2,000, which means that Iggy Azalea, in all her hoodrat-meets-rich-stripper glory, has got to bring it. Lucky for her the VMAs fall on National Go Topless day. And lucky for me as her fake stylist, Marc Jacobs sent this raise-your-hand-and-bear-all look down the runway last Fall.
One of life’s undiscussed truths, often disguised by t-strap heels (ick) and half-sleeved dresses (why) is that Taylor Swift has the build of a runway model.
“She looks amazing in everything so why bother picking her out a fantasy dress?” I asked myself, spoon whirling around peanut butter jar for the third round, until this two-piece Acne gem glittered its way back into mind. For real, how bangin’ would T. Swift be all wrapped up like a buttered potato, making her exes jealous while potentially blinding innocent bystanders outside Barclays? Sharp as shit, without a doubt. Unless she stood directly in the sun. Then we’d be in trouble.
Lana Del Rey
Because isn’t this Altuzarra dress what Lana wears at home when she’s just relaxing? On a chaise lounge, with a manservant bringing her fresh basil lemonade, plump grapes and cucumber tea sandwiches? Her home probably doesn’t even have walls, just marble pillars holding up the roof, allowing the breeze to blow in off the Mediterranean coast like her life’s a rare, blood-free scene of Game of Thrones.
“Miles,” she shouts, “Come entertain me with your wit.” And the day wastes away into night, sun setting over water. Yeah, this dress will do.
Truth be told, we don’t even know if she’ll show, but with a nod for Best Female Video, we’re taking the consideration and running with it.
Now, if tears started falling out of your eyes at the thought of having to layer spaghetti strap tanks over ¾ sleeve shirts next season — three-quarter, oh, what a dated notion — don’t freak. The Rihanna throwback train is about to pull into this station anyway, so why not let her do it under the guise of high fashion, a la The Row? She’s already trekked through early-decade crunchy curls and kicked it with ‘90s streetwear, so it’s a natural, albeit hilarious progression, even if it does border on Michael Stars formalwear. (Let it be known: if she busts out some Steve Madden elastic slides along with it, she’s officially our homegirl for life.)
LOL. Talk about greatest “F You” to the world for wanting to judge her immediately after excreting a baby, right? With Kanye West set to perform this weekend, there’s just no way America’s Sweetheart won’t show up and pass on a golden press opportunity. Though Kim’s big return to the public eye probably has a Herve Lerger dress somewhere in its tailspin, we’re hoping she does rest of it in style. Specifically, by kicking it in the perfect postpartum, paparrazi-busting muumuu available. First off, it’s designer. (You know how much she loves brands.) Secondly, it’s Yves Klein Blue, an artistic reference ol’ Yeezy will be sure to adore her for discovering. And thirdly: rocking a Fat Betty-style triangle sheath is the way back into all of our reality TV love-hating hearts.
And, because we couldn’t quite decide ourselves, what do you think Lady Gaga will show up in? A Megazord made from the flesh of frenzied fans? A goatskin bodysuit with handprints all over it? Will she climb inside the belly of an elephant and remain there until the end? Do tell. We’ll be watching with you.