Awkward in Ten Seconds or Less

by Amelia Diamond
August 21, 2013
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Snapchat is probably impairing my ability to social-ize.

3Euyca on Make A Gif, Animated Gifs

I’m not an inherently awkward person. I function quite well in social situations, have a firm handshake and am the proud owner of two steady eyeballs that have no problem looking at a fellow human while he or she speaks to me. I’m even skilled in the fine art of averting my eyes before holding someone’s gaze a beat too long. And dates! I’m really fantastic on dates.

But in ten seconds or less, an unsolicited Snapchat made me question my entire being. I’m being slightly hyperbolic here but stay with me...

Earlier this summer I met Shane* at a random pregame — it was a totally platonic meeting but we did both partake in a collective dance party wherein at some point, his number landed in my phone.

Life resumed as life tends to do and then two weeks later — bloop! One new Snapchat. From…Shane? Who is Shane? Oh right. Weird.

So I pressed my finger down to load the Snap, grumbled about how long it takes my phone to do anything and then finally watched in unimpressed boredom as a whole lot of “who cares” flashed across the screen.

Now at the time I considered myself something of a Snapchat Samurai. We’re talking highly advanced selfies complete with hilarious text and accompanying artwork, like a photo of myself with finger-drawn red sunglasses on my face and scribbled sand. Maybe even a seashell.

“Life’s a beach, motherfucker,” the caption might read.

And it’s even funnier because like, I was obviously in a cab and not at the beach during said selfie. Get it? Hahaha. Ok. Carrying on.

So needless to say, Shane’s lame Snap less-than-thrilled me. “You need to step up your Snapchat game,” I texted him.

“Who is this?” he wrote back.

“Amelia, you creep,” I replied. “You just Snapchatted me.”

“Oh yea. LOL.”

What the fuck? I thought. Does this guy just go fully rogue and send Snapchats to random numbers? Who does that? 

And then it hit me. My shoulders raised up towards my earlobes as my arms clamped against my sides, my go-to fetal position usually reserved for threats of being tickled.

Maybe…maybe everyone does that. 

Oh god.

I just ASSUMED that if someone sent me a Snapchat, they specifically selected me as a special individual to receive their personalized ten-or-less seconds of self expression. Was this not the case?

Every Snapchat I’d ever received-and-then-responded-to flashed across my brain. I should have mentioned earlier that I have (or had) what I thought was impeccable Snapchat etiquette. I always responded back. I was better at Snapping than I was at texting. If someone wrote to me asking about that evening’s plans, I’d probably answer the following day. But a friend’s Snap of her face with Hulk Hogan’s mustache drawn on instantly warranted 4 seconds of me with The Rock’s eyebrow sketched over my own. 

Which means that if people were just arbitrarily clicking names on their buddy list with abandon, and I RESPONDED (which remember, I always did)… then that made me the social media equivalent of the super awkward girl who waves back at someone who is ACTUALLY WAVING AT THE PERSON BEHIND HER.

Let that sink in.

Sink.

Sink.

It’s terrifying right? I bet this has been you too and you didn’t even realize.

*His name isn’t really Shane but this guy was such a Shane.

Genius animation by Charlotte Fassler

REPLIES
  • Roula

    Love it!

    xoxo

    Roula

    http://www.rngfashion.com/

  • larlton

    shit…

  • Lynn

    Hahaha he was *such* a Shane. This was funny, thanks for the laughs

  • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

    The name Shane alone would be enough to make me utilize the “you creep” part of your sentence. Really glad that I’ve managed to withhold from getting a snapchat (much like Leandra with her cronut – still holding out?), because I’m always that girl waving at the person who’s actually contacting a person in my vicinity.

    • Leandra Medine

      STILL HOLDING OUT

  • hi_itsgabby

    I mass snap like its my j – o – b. Gotta mass press release you know? BUT there are those one or two names on there you do NOT want to send your morning “i’m really hung over shot” and … you do by accident. Problems of today.

  • Paige

    Dude, how come i can’t access manrepeller through bloglovin’ anymore?! Every time a new post shows on my feed and I click on it, it brings me to an error page. I had to type manrepeller.com to access this post.

    • Leandra Medine

      Shit, really? Let me look into that.

      • Paige

        Yeah, the page says Not Found and then it says “Apologies, but the page you requested could not be found. Perhaps searching will help.”

    • Kate Barnett

      whoa. thank you so much for bringing that up. i’ve been trying to figure that out but it doesn’t happen for me on bloglovin’ so i couldn’t see it. investigating now.

  • Lauren

    Hey! I think I read this article yesterday when the guys name was kyle*. I read it and then when I came back to it, it wasn’t there anymore. Is my mind playing tricks on me?

    • Amelia Diamond

      Your mind is the sharpest thing around since a fresh set of Xacto knives. I accidentally hit “Publish” too early (the internet equivalent of PE). I WAS calling him “Kyle” but then my friend Kyle told me not to take his name in vain.

  • Kate Barnett

    so basically, you responding to everyone is the snapchat equivalent of my grandma commenting on every fb wall post.

  • Kimberly

    You are hilarious! I love how you write conversationally. (real word? not sure) I feel like I’m actually talking to you. So funny!

  • Sabrina Petera

    Wait, what’s going on with manrepeller.com?? I’m trying to read “red nail, can’t fail” but i’m getting an error message on bloglovin’ when I click on it. Then when I navigate to manrepeller.com without the help of bloglovin’, the most recent post I see is “Awkward in Ten Seconds or Less”.

    • Leandra Medine

      I idiotically, accidentally clicked publish instead of preview for a Monday post which should make getting there all the more fun! Right!

      • Sabrina Petera

        I was able to read it on my iPhone through bloglovin’ and let me just say before it’s actually published that it was really good as usual. Can’t wait to seek what graphics you choose for the post. Hopefully a gif? hint hint.

      • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

        I’m placing my money on/ I hope this was semi-prompted by the new Celine ads for fall.

  • Hanne

    loving and enjoying the blog so much recently!

  • amy

    Eh, you did him a favor. If he’s broadcasting lame snapchats, he still needed to up his game.

  • Holly + Casey

    Yikes I always send back too…my favorite part “this guy was such a Shane”

  • Amatoria Clothing

    I think we all could use more Amelia in our lives… Snapchat me, girl ;)

  • http://www.fashionsnag.com/ Fashion Snag

    I know about those Shanes and sometimes they are the worst! That was my favorite line….he was such a shane. bahahaha

    http://www.FashionSnag.com

  • http://madamecouture.blogspot.com/ Emma Hager

    ALSO: Hey, Charlotte! You, your illustrations, gifs, and Adidas shoes are ace!

    • Kate Barnett

      right??

    • Charlotte

      guyz you’re makin’ me blush!

  • Kylie Sartini

    hahahahahaha this is just classic — when I found this out I instantly felt like a loser. I replied to everyone and they were sending there snaps to god knows how many people. tragic. tragic.

  • DNA (designers+artists)

    Great feature Amelia! I wish there was a Snapchat orientation for the novices or just for frequently asked questions.

    http://www.designers-artists.com

  • Alice

    Hmmm, maybe we shouldn’t base our social skills on social media devices but on our actual interactions with human beings. I am pretty sure that something as irrelevant as a snapchat won’t lessen or increase someone’s liking for you (especially with guys). And what happened to the unexpected phonecall? Has it been replaced by the unexpected retweet? Call me old school but I don’t like where this is going to…

  • Erika

    Hahahaha. Love that comment, such a Shane. Lol. Great post Amelia!!

    http://polkadotsandcandybars.blogspot.com/

  • Gracie Potts

    I had the same realisation about my boyfriend. I thought he was sending me saps because he was thinking about me. Turns out no.

  • WendyWends

    Oh my god the same thing happened to me, I deleted it out of shame.

  • Meredith Byrd

    YES! I’ve had the same exact revelation. Ugh, the shame. Shrug it off, play it cool, move on. And still be able to whip out a witty snap and master illustration on cue

  • Jack

    What an intensely interesting life you lead.

  • Sammisawrus

    Oh Amelia this is gold! I too came to this realisation recently. Heartbreaking isnt it. Ive actually developed snapchat jealous paranoia, and now don’t reply snap anyone…

  • Sarah

    i know, right? my prob was that i realized this early on. i would have been an awesome snap chatter – i had all the potential in the world, but i knew that bitches would mass-snap and it would mean nothing to me. the impersonality made it suck. what i did was selectively snap. i saved my snapping powers for my faves and withheld it from those bitches who didn’t deserve it. i’m not Jesus, i don’t need to be the salvation of the snap chat nation.

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