Can you believe Kanye West birthed two babies in one week? In case you’re not quick on the uptake, the first included his New York City-based listening party, which took place early last week at Milk Studios and parlayed into the subsequent leak of his newest album, Yeezus, last Friday.
An interlude for important attention to detail: in the event you haven’t yet acquainted yourself with the album, he credits God, the way, say, Calvin Harris might credit Rihanna, among his esteemed co-collaborators.
The second birth, of course, came in tandem with the aforementioned’s mother, Kim Kardashian and featured a literal baby who currently nests no name. (We’re continuing to vet quite relentlessly for Red Maple–let’s give Blue Ivy what she wants, dammit). What we do know, however, is that she is a girl, she might have a beard, and that her mom has a really, really hard time with cribs–case in point: this quote as shared by Kate from last night’s premiere of Keeping Up with The Kardashians: “It’s just, like, it’s not supposed to be this way.”
Until we know more about the latter baby, let’s focus on the knowledge we’ve accrued care of the former baby, do what we do best (fine, do in a most authentically sub-par fashion,) and offer superlatives to what we’ve rendered the most stimulating, flagrant, hilarious and controversial lyrics from the new record. What’s more? We’re going to go out on a nimble limb here and say–nay, delcare– that Yeezus is arguably the best thing that’s happened to our Friday–if not because it bled into the weekend to make it that much better than certainly because, well, hurry up with my damn croissant.
You know how the moment a person reaches senior citizen status, said person earns permission to say whatever the hell he or she wants without the fear of having to face penalization in any capacity whatsoever? We’re starting to think that rule may unlawfully apply to Kanye, too. Not that we’re trying to sway your opinion or anything, though. Nu-uh.
So, without further ado, we give you Yeezus: the incubator of transcendent intellect in matters of conceit, soul enrichment visa vi Jesus (no, really) and, of course, a fresh deluge of pop culture savvy that appears in a nod to the deceased Blackberry–RIP, RIM.
Most Politically Incorrect References We Could Bear Re-articulating:
“Put my fist in her like a civil rights sign”
“Gotta keep ‘em separated, I call that apartheid”
“Your titties, let ‘em out, free at last. Thank God almighty, they free at last”
Most Creative Wordplay
“Uh, I be speaking Swaghili”
Our All-Time Favorite Lyrics of All-Time And So Forth (also, the precise variable that has made discerning that which we actually like vs that which we like ironically considerably more difficult):
“Hurry up with my damn croissants”
“I am a god”
Most Humbling Moment as Rapped by Mr. West
“Uh, I’m so scared of my demons, uh, I go to sleep with a nightlight”
Best Humble Brag
“I just talked to Jesus
He said ‘what up Yeezus’
I said ‘Shit I’m chilling
Trying to stack these millions’”
Most Incomprehensible Lyric
“All dem a gwaan dem a dem a dem a gwaan/ Dem a gwaan gwaan gwaan, chop it and spray”
Most Poetic Nod to Existentialism
“Memories don’t live like people do
They always ‘member you
Whether things are good or bad
It’s just the memories that you have”
Best Pop Culture Reference
“Leave a pretty girl sad situation
Start a Fight Club, Brad reputation” — Also, though, what?
Most Obnoxious Technology Reference
“She Instagram herself like ‘Bad bitch alert’
He Instagram his watch like ‘Mad rich alert’”
Most Awesomely Nonsensical Technology References
“Damn your lips very soft
As I turn my Blackberry off
And I turn your bath water on
And you turn off your iPhone”
Best Sexual Non-Innuendo
“Baby girl, he’s a loner, baby girl, he’s a loner
Late night organ donor, after that he disown ya”
And finally, this one may be our favorite superlative and lyric for the most underwhelmingly bias reason because it is also likely outrageously untrue but hey–a couple of girls can dream–: Most Prevalent Indication Kanye Might Read Man Repeller
“Star Wars fur, yeah I’m rockin’ Chewbacca”
Now you tell us, have you listened to the album yet? What do you think? WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK??? (Above illustration by Charlotte Fassler, Rolling Stone cover c/o Rolling Stone)