And I’m not sure if I’m quoting Shania Twain because I just spent ample time in Texas and from what I understand, she’s big in Texas, or if it is simply because a. Today is the one week anniversary of International Women’s Day, b. I’ve just finished reading Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In, or c. Michelle Obama’s newest Vogue cover is smoking chic and I am just like, why can’t my partner-in-sex run for office?
If the answer to Shania Twainism is A, the “day” in International Women’s Day cannot, does not, will not deter me and I hereby grant Friday’s celebration a breadth of relevance to last all month long. Frankly, there’s no reason we shouldn’t actively commemorate being ladies (even if we’re men) 365/365, but if we’ve only got one official day to outwardly chant, “fuck yeah, vagina!” we may as well stretch it as far as a dollar at Zara goes–know what I’m saying?
If the answer is B, which it might be, (hehe), have you read it? Do you want to speak to it? Let’s do that. Then we can Lean In until we feel it in our abs.
And if the answer is C, do you think Barack makes Michelle breakfast in bed? If so, was the fiscal cliff of January actually founded upon rising protein bar prices, (see: fiscal cliff bar)? Sometimes my terrible jokes make me want to stab myself and then I remember that if I were to do that, no one could edit the jokes in question and that is a terrible legacy to leave behind.
I think I just wasted a lot of your time, though. Most importantly, I feel like a woman and as such, would like to take this opportunity to talk about that. Lest I forget, too, that tomorrow is Lips Appreciation Day and you know what that means, right? Vaginas, among other things. Ultimately, I just really want to know why you love feeling like/being a woman (or a man, if you want to go there! By all means! Please do! I’ll just preface this by noting that according to three such arbiters questioned over the weekend, the single most popular answer is, “because I can play with my balls.”)
What’s that? You want me to get the non-testicular ball rolling? Okay.
Answer 1. I love that I can cover our nipples at beaches if I want to and still sunbathe care of the bikini not to be confused with male swim trunks. Do men have nipple complexes?
1a. While on the topic of nipples, I am also really proud that mine are not otiose at all and will eventually nurture hungry babies.
1b. While on the topic of choice and nurturing hungry babies, those things grow inside of us which is pretty neat too.
Answer 2. I really like that I can make the executive decision to either wear makeup or not wear makeup, wear a dress or not wear a dress, without the constructs of conformist society scolding that choice.
Okay, your turn. Why do you love being you?