The last time I was single and fighting for my right to seduce a man, any man–I’d even take my brother for heaven’s sake–I tried to keep the communication to text message. Why? Because phone calls are awkward. They are used to keep in touch with forlorn relatives in other states. They force uncomfortable conversational fodder and an inevitable dialogue about the weather. Sometimes my ear will begin to hurt and when that happens I will have to surmise that I have probably contracted brain cancer.
On text message, you can edit. You may develop carpel tunnel, but that won’t kill you. You can think, you can gap silence. You can thoughtfully consider what will go into crafting the perfect message and in some instances, wholly create that immaculate vision.
It’s quite dated to consider text messaging a low-grade form of communication when articulation by way of smart phone has effectively become the modern day equivalent of a love letter. Send me those three, short, imperforate words: “I Miss You,” and watch me metamorphose into mashed potatoes. Call me to say the same thing, and I might wonder why you called to tell me that.
In spite of my ability to diagnose a social problem–that women may be underwhelming the power of texting–this is no longer my game (see: the husband factor), and so I’ve commissioned several of my awesome, single friends to weigh in on the top 10 text-message Don’ts pertaining only to the primordial stages of a burgeoning love affair.
Illustration by Charlotte Fassler
1. If you can’t tweet it, don’t text it–this includes spaces. According to the author of this quote, (her name is Amelia and she loves horses in the literal sense not to the large genital sense,) in the first phases of conversation, shorter is always sweeter.
2. This one is rather usual considering the character restraint in #1 but according to another friend, restricting the use of acronyms in early messages may help catapult later messages. If not because you’re not sure who you’re dealing with (e.g. a human with little brain capacity for words that are not spelled out) than certainly because some people (me) have a rather violent aversion toward empty acronyms, see: rotfl, lmao. You are definitely not rolling on the floor and your ass has definitely not dispatched from your body due to my highly advanced sense of hilarity.
3. You can send a nipple and you can send your face, but you can never send them in the same message. You don’t really know him yet, so be careful. The internet is vast–and once something is on here, it’s on here forever.
3b. While we’re on the topic of Selfie Texting–it is seemingly rather tricky, isn’t it? Does a photo lose its intimacy if you send it to Instagram an hour later? Or worse, do you feel judicious defeat if you receive it in filtered formation?
4. Time (and your level of inebriation) are of the essence. Think before you text. Can you remember your smart-phone pass-code? Are you having trouble explaining to your mom that you’ll “bhfe hjome ini 1-!” Are you having trouble remembering if the woman you’re texting is in fact your mother? No matter what you think you have to say, how witty, charming, convivial it will be, there’s always tomorrow morning (and a pretty profound headache) to make up for short term radio silence.
5. Now, because BBM is a communicative tool of the past. Choppy
messages
like this
are just
frustrating. What’s more? (This one hails from the vast experience of a certain Charlotte,) no talk is better than small talk. Try to cut the: “Hey.” “Sup.” “NM, you?” Throat clearing can be accomplished independently.
6. MR Disclaimer: I personally can’t get behind this one. Don’t “double text” – the ideal iPhone screen of a conversation between two courting individuals should be a perfect pattern of his word bubble, then yours. His, then yours. White, then blue. White, then blue.
If he responds to your text without another question, don’t respond to his statement. If he wants to continue the conversation, he will.
Example of a Do, with a good outcome:
You: So how was last night?
Him: So much fun
You: ___________ <—DO NOT SAY ANYTHING
Him: How was your night. Congratulations you just won at texting!
Example of a Do, with a less than favorable outcome:
You: So how was last night?
Him: So much fun
10 hours later
…….
Still nothing
Here – he did not follow up. But guess what? You don’t care.
Example of a Don’t:
You: So how was last night?
Him: So much fun
You: Really? What did you do?
He probably just wants to watch TV and leave the non-existent buttons on his phone unpressed.
Example of a big Don’t:
You: So how was last night?
Him: So much fun
You: Really? What did you do?
Him: Went out w. some of my boys
You: Cool! Where
There’s a hint here waiting to be had. Boys are the worst.
7. Be cognizant of your spelling choice, see: you vs. ya vs. U. A “miss you” registers far more evocatively than a “miss ya” does. Miss you’s are for lovers. Miss ya’s are for your camp BFF. Also, easy on the abbreviations. Give more credit to vowels, they exist for a reason. (This one is mostly for my mom, who is not a dalliance–we’ve been in love for 24 years–but will almost always send a text message that looks like this, “hy. wnt to hv dnnr w dd n me tnt?”)
8. Your text message is not a social media tool and as such, the journalistic rule of thumb remains in tact and mandates that you get but three exclamation points over the course of your career (budding romance). Three. You’re excited, I know, I’m excited too, but in the vast valley of underestimations we (as women) tend to make, don’t abjure the power of a period.
9. Think before you send: would you be horrified if he showed this message to his friends? It could happen.
10. Finally, be weary of text-message bombing (which is considerably different than photo bombing). This suggestion comes from a friend of mine who has more or less been out of the dating game a full decade. She suggests that even though she does not agree with the following dramatization, it is likely a fantastic way to disengage the other end of your message.
Girl: “Hey.”
Two minutes pass.
Girl: I said, “hey!”
Another minute passes.
Girl: “Okay, I’m giving you ten seconds to say hi back or we are never talking again.”
Girl: “10…”
“9…”
“8…8 1/2…”
“7….”
…You get the point. In fulfilling the guidelines of this monologue, you break almost every rule in some capacity, display your inability to countdown (eight and a half comes before eight,) and perhaps most dangerously: allude to emotional illness.
Fine, full disclosure, I am the maniacal texter in #10. I’m also married, though, which implies that occasionally, being who you are is rather endearing. Now, are there any specific do’s and don’ts not listed here that you subscribe to? Do share.
