We believe in your embryo
Hi. I don’t know if you know us but we know you and are quite frankly sick to the bone of all the admonishment you’ve had to face in the wake of your pregnancy announcement. While many people seemingly want to turn their heels toward your most recent collaboration (an embryonic swag machine), the royal We just want to express elation in matters of the forthcoming cultural ambiguity. We anticipate its journey as one marked by gilded footsteps and inconceivable glory. Here’s why:
Not even the most casual viewer of Staying Up To Date With Drama Amidst The Kardashians can deny that this family loves the shit out of one another. Whether it was questionable or not to exploit their teens in the name of fiscally fruitful national television, we won’t judge. But what we know (from, uh, being in the same room as other people watching The Kardashians Take Various Metropolitan Cities) is that those parental units are present. Kimyembryo will, as such, always have fundamental support catering to his or her every whim, not to mention a built-in momager for when endorsement time (see: Osh Kosh b’I Ain’t Sayin’ She a Gold Digga) inevitably comes.
Of course, genetically speaking, with the chromosome swirl between both parties, that kid’s got a leg — not to mention extensive ass — up on whomever else is entering planet Earth by way of birth canal. While we’ve been crossing our fingers in hopes that Jay and Bey’s Blue Ivy takes after the maternal quotient of her gene pool, no matter who Kimye’s offspring (Red Maple?) takes after, that fetus wins the face test.
Which brings us, of course, to the parents themselves. Despite a few isolated sticky incidents — both, oddly enough, involving videos — those two are a couple of good, recently fertilized eggs. While the alpha male portion of the union has built a career upon his robust work ethic and an ability to triumph well beyond Seussian levels of rhyme, the feminine half is famous purely for existing. Do you have any idea how difficult that is to do? Us neither. But she’s held on for a bewilderingly long time (my hunch? Because she is really, really, nice) and watching from the bottom, we cannot scoff at that. Nu-uh. After all, as a wise man (my dad) once said (rather guilelessly, mind you), “I will always respect Kim Kardashian. To capitalize that successfully based on the merit of a large ass is unheard of and therefore admirable.” There are lessons to be learned and we reckon she is ready to teach them.
Still not buying it? Math it out this way: Night time lullabies written and rapped by Kanye. Pillow talk with Kim almost always starting with an “I mean, honestly…” and ending in a “like.” Lots of Love (bracelets. At least like six). Teeny tiny Air Yeezys. Cool cousins and grandparents Kris and Bruce, who can effectively pass off as one another!
There will, of course, be a day when that sexually undetermined fetus puts out a single, guest stars on 2020’s Gossip Girl equivalent or writes a tell-all memoir at a very ripe 10 years old. Until we’re at that crossroad though, forced to either re-assess or reconfirm our devotion to baby Westashian, we are wholeheartedly rooting for it. And earnestly praying that Margiela develops a toddler line.
Co-written by Carlye Wisel.