Holiday gifts are tricky, holiday gift guides are deceiving. I once received socks; another time, band-aids–both were suggestions pulled from a magazine that I read quite chronically. I wanted to blame the givers, (two very close friends,) for not knowing me at all, but the fact of the matter is, they were being considerably thoughtful. They looked to the incubator of my interests to gain insight in spite of my very coy “you don’t have to get my anything, silly!” Yes, it was my fault that I’d been bequeathed minimal wound-healers and burgundy toe warmers equipped with Dutch homes plastered to the ankles.
“Oh, nothing, just your friendship!” is the most underwhelming, anti-climactic response to the age old, “what do you want for the holidays?” What you want, after all, is vastly different than what you will get, so why not balls to walls and answer the question truthfully? (See: A loft on Franklin Street, the original hair from Dali’s mustache, framed in gold.)
In order to get the wheels of your brain in motion, here are ten things (and one for good luck,) I’d be supremely happy to receive. Friends, parental units, man-friend, brothers: if you’re reading, feel free to take note.
1. Politically incorrect adjustable bracelets for you and yours. And so you know, I bought both for myself. There’s nothing wrong with liking yourself mucho, I don’t think. Venessa Arizaga I Love Chicos, I Love You Mucho bracelets, $55 each.
2. For he or she who owes you a large chunk, how about a literary classic and wise way to stow your belongings? Olympia LeTan’s Huckleberry Finn clutch, $1,880.
3. I’ve heard it’s bad luck to offer the gift of footwear but that’s a ridiculous assertion that we should not subscribe to. If you’re a woman, let’s play a game called, How Many Smiles Can I Procure because of These Hot Chicks. If you’re man, let’s play a game called, How Quickly Will She Sleep With Me After I Give Her These Hot Chicks. Laurence Dacade white patent leather booties, $845.
4. Pretension is a difficult gift to bestow upon someone but I think a red hat can achieve that provided the receiving end vows to wear it exclusively indoors. Red Rag & Bone chapeau, $175.
5. Or how about just a giftcard to The Fancy–there, an array of kitschy salt ‘n’ pepper (not to be confused with SaLt n’ PePA) shakers, sweatshirts with Biggie’s face plastered across them and iPhone cases clad in mustaches wait for retrieval on your own terms.
6. Bowls and cups with feet are a nice one too. We all eat, we all drink–this one is wildly functional and there’s no reason we shouldn’t do the aforementioned without charming little legs protruding from our ceramic containers. $36 and $18 respectively.
7. Here’s another wishful one: Alison Lou emoticon necklaces! Because they define this generation in 18k gold and even allow ample room for irony, (e.g. wearing the crying face while under the influence of Prozac, wearing bashful while pole-dancing.) Available at Fivestory, NY.
8. Helmut Newton’s Polaroids–because coffee tables don’t really harbor coffee. No, they harbor books, which are sometimes expensive and I’m not sure about you, but I’d rather spend my money on I Love Chicos bracelets, $59.99.
9. The Kanye West sweatshirt I tweeted about yesterday, as found on Etsy because the response was thrilling and vast and as such, forces me to believe that either yourself or one of your human appendages would probably like one, $20. Hash tag, Yeezy.
10. Now, if I can’t get the original hair from Dali’s mustache, I will be more than pleased to settle on authentic vaginal pubes by way of this Aurel Schmidt gem. My breasts too, are made from Hershey kisses, so, we have that in common.
11. And last but not least, a mint colored Thunderbird equipped with photoshoot compliments of the very opinionated, pinky ring wearing Ben Fink Shapiro. The end.