On Frankenstorm

by Leandra Medine
October 29, 2012
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And little baby kittens because, why not?

Frankenstorm or Fakenstorm?

Kidding, guys. I’m totally kidding. It’s not fake. My brother’s apartment building is effectively below sea level which is fun for me because that leaves him here but in the upper areas of New York City: crickets.

I don’t want to throw you under a bus, Stormin’ Sandy. I appreciate your alleged power to implore 75 MPH winds and even more your effort to give lackluster Halloween costumes (see: any homage to Grease) fresh pertinence. But in the only two red flag hurricane warnings I’ve endured as a New Yorker, there’s been just one common denominator. (Well, two–the excess kosher wine still left at supermarkets despite impending crisis is notable.)

Overwhelming performance anxiety.

I’d like to blame this on a number of things. Primarily, Hurricanes obviously crave massive attention. Irene wanted America to shut the shit up about Kim Kardashian’s wedding and the 17 million dollars the couple clocked in. Guess what? It worked, we did. A year and change later, it seems Sandy redirects our attention, holding no regard for the forthcoming elections. We can perhaps credit this to disgruntled jealously for lack of an ability to vote but regardless, she don’t care about no binders, no women, no binders full of them.

Mayor Bloomberg’s attempt at addressing the city in Spanish should not go unnoticed either. If I were a hurricane and I heard Bloomberg talking about closingamos el subwayo for preparato neccessito, I too would spare inhabitants and their belongings out of pity.

Now, Weather.com still says the worst is yet to come so there is a chance that in approximately one hour, you will want to ridicule me for having marginalized this hurricane (you will also, however, be unable to on the account of a power outtage) but in the mean time, I want to liken Frankenstorm to a small assembly of little baby kittens searching for companionship and pay homage to all the Sandys that have changed my life.

Collages by Charlotte Fassler

To be honest, actually, Sandy Cohen has done nothing for my character. Sure, he’s a pillar for the quintessential American dad, in hour long dramas at least, but I don’t really watch The O.C. I don’t really care for lawyers. It is, however, very hip to pretend you are Adam Brody’s father and for that, he is here. Next to him, you will find Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Sandy Lyle–yes, that kid from Crocodile Tears. I feel very sorry if this rings no bell and strongly encourage you rent the movie Along Came Polly immediately if not sooner. He sharts, calls himself white chocolate, rocks out to performance solos that are not his and perhaps most importantly, shouts on more than one occasion: “let it rain.”

Above the two, Spongebob Squarepants’ friend Sandy Cheeks. In addition to the unresolved sexual tension between the sponge and squirrel in question, it is important to note that she is a model citizen. Originally from Houston, Texas, she relocated to the bottom of the ocean in the name of a science experiment. There’s a perpetual glass container over her head and I’ve got to wonder how that adhesive flower continues to stick.

Next to Sandy Cheeks: Pecan Sandies. The cookies you should eat to pass time. They’re nonperishable and in some instances, like the one strategically photographed, feature a sunburned, saggy vagina in their center.

Below the cookie–Sandy Koufax! I don’t know much about him because I suck at male trivia but I do know that he is Jewish and chose observing Yom Kippur over pitching at a very important game one time in the 60s. If you are a man and I were still single–would this be the reference that changed the way you look at me?

Finally, at far right, the many faces of Sandy: the ingenue, she who wears too much leather, arguably the most vivid depiction of a female hurricane, (see: hair.)

And before I go, here are just some pajamas (the photographed are Equipment, the ones I am currently wearing are Only Hearts,) you should buy to wear during the storm and then continue to wear through the course of the week and perhaps out to a store opening because nothing is cooler than innerwear as outerwear except for little pigeons and panda suits.

REPLIES
  • orly kravitz

    You are just amazing, put the sun in this dark, rainy, windy dreary day
    love you!!

  • =^..^=

    keep posting, sis! i’m in dc & have the day off from work …. AND I’M BORED ALREADY.

    so, more more more repelling yammerings, PLEASE ! :D

  • silvia

    ha ha ha

    Stay in style even indoors

    I LOVE this post, made me laugh

    http://loulouclouclou.blogspot.com/

  • http://jesssimariano.blogspot.de/ Jessi

    SANDY COHEN ♥

  • http://twitter.com/EileenieWang Eileen Wang

    hahaha you make sandy better =]

  • silvia

    Oh and of course I love equipment, every single thing they do.
    That said, paying as much for pajamas as the amount that some poor people in Africa live with during half a year puts a moral conflict on the table,I know it actually does not matter whether you wear it in or outdoors…but pajamas… i don’t know…

  • Amalie Espeland

    why are you so funny? gtfo

  • Marianne
  • http://twitter.com/CaptiveLouise Captive Louise

    I think Sandy hurricane calls for a Sandy marathon: wear/eat/watch all the things that involve at least one Sandy. I guess one good thing about Portugal is that we rarely have to face these extreme confrontations with Mother Nature. (still, that doesn’t make up for the political/economical impending doom, tho).
    https://captivelouise.wordpress.com/

  • Ritch

    Who comes up with the names for hurricanes and other natural disasters? Why Sandy, why not something more catchy?
    Thanks for this post, it really helps to pass the time.

    • Zoe

      The metheorologists are naming hurricans after their wives :)

    • Shini

      There’s a pre-determined list of names for tropical storms (which grow into hurricanes) set for each year made up of names in alphabetic order – odd numbers are masculine names and even are feminine. So Sandy is 2012′s 18th tropical storms (note, tropical storms form at sea and may expire without making landfall, unlike Katrina or Sandy). That’s it in a nutshell!

  • Jeanette

    But Sandy Cohen is the greatest TV dad ever… <3

  • Cismyname

    cr@p…I do not have any of those cookies right now and I am craving them…thanks.

  • Shelbyanne

    Hey there! Lovely Blog! This post is so great.. Have you checked out my blog lately?

    Maybe we can follow each other?!

    Check out my blog and tell me what you think!

    http://www.Ultimatechicdiary.blogspot.com

    Xo,S

  • lavieenliz

    you are amazing! stay safe!

    check out my giveaway!

    http://lavieenliz.com

  • http://twitter.com/InformedStyle Informed Style

    Sandy Cohen/Peter Gallagher’s greatest contribution is the come-back of the bushy brow. Those things are unapologetic.

    http://www.informedstyle.com

  • Estherina’s World

    Your writing: hilarious (as always)! Those pajamas: NECESSARY.

    Step into Estherina’s World

  • Chelsea Mac

    This is simply amazing and I am so glad that I am not the only one marginalizing this storm. Stay safe and hunker down with some good wine…and maybe a copy of “Grease”.
    Chelsea
    http://www.hautechildinthecity.com

  • Gabrielle

    You make me laugh everytime, even now…. but hey be all safe in New York! Hope that this storm is being overrated! And hey, so funny, just blogged about Equipment pajamas yesterday. xxx from Switzerland

    http://www.fashionlatitude.blogspot.ch

  • NA

    This was pretty funny! I had to run next door to the B rated sushi bar that I noticed on my way out, to have a sake as I was bored as hell waiting for Sandy! Thanks for the shits and giggles or more like chuckle!

  • LP

    You really make me laugh. Especially the sunburned vagina thing…

  • http://twitter.com/JennySueMakeup JennySueMakeup

    you brought up “sharts” – that makes me laugh out loud. Best line in a movie, ever. Stay safe, and glad to see someone bringing a little Halloween humor into the mix.

  • Cassandra Lopez

    Sunburnt saggy vagina. I can’t. Amazing.

    http://www.thegrannytreatment.blogspot.com

  • Theresa

    Love the humor in this post, well your humor in general really, but this is what make you blog truly stand out. I’m sure you already know that and have heard it a ton though.

    Theresa
    http://bomamma.blogspot.com

  • Nicole

    I like how people really want something totally shitty to happen to them so that they can feel justified in staying home for 24 hours. Well, not to them, but to someone else close by so that they can see it and talk about it.

    • Nicole

      Not saying you, particularly, but thats what my facebook feed tells me.

  • cassie dzienny

    Dying at “like the one strategically photographed, feature a sunburned, saggy vagina in their center” Funny stuff. http://ihavetude.com/2012/10/28/day-299-my-outfit-is-better-than-yours/

  • Molly Marler

    Oh, EVERYTHING. Hi-fcking-larious. Thank you.

  • alcessa

    Well? Still alive and typing? I sure hope so …

  • Little Red Book

    Sandy Cohen….#1 dad in American Television (after Cliff Huxtable of course).

    http://www.littleredbook-thatshaute.blogspot.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/flo.labrado Flo LaBrado

    I love your Spanish.

  • sarah

    Is it weird that my sister and I have been texting each other worried about the man repeller up there in this storm?

    • Bel

      It´s not! I have thought about it also! Glad to know she´s fine

    • Veronika Kostrouchova

      nope. I did that too :) glad to know Leandra is ok

  • The Provoker

    How cute with the collages, hope the storm is not effecting you too much.. Btw, gaze upon my new DOMI-MATRIX look where yes, a plastic coat becomes
    my statement piece. A potential Halloween look might just end up
    looking too sexual… lol

    xx The Provoker
    http://www.the-provoker.com/2012/10/domi-matrix.html

  • Melissa

    Thanks for the shout out to Mayor Bloomberg’s espanyol. He always makes sure citizens know to dial nueve-uno-uno.

    • Christine

      I mean, talk about comic relief!

  • Elena May

    this was hilarious. you should do news commentary more often. I do feel very sorry for america though

    http://elena-may.blogpost.fr

  • Jess

    Ordinarily really love your blog – I am a fan of you so don’t get me wrong… Not going to ‘ridicule’ you, exactly, but I feel like a flippant reference to ‘performance anxiety’ given the 70 deaths in the Caribbean earlier this week might be a bit misplaced.

  • Not So Gentle Reader

    For an allegedly intelligent woman, you have a singular ability to sound utterly dim-witted at times.

    • Not So Gentle Ass Muncher

      your comments are always so irritating.

  • http://twitter.com/oohlaluxe kim

    Hope you all stay safe out there
    http://oohlaluxe.net

  • Crisis in Denim

    Agree re: pajamas in the storm, but think Hurricane Sandy turned out to be worse than anyone thought, esp in NYC… http://denimcrisis.com/staying_warm_hurricane_sandy/

  • Valerie

    loved bloomberg’s sign translator too! And yes im in pajamas as I’m typing this.
    thethirdcouture.com

  • Emily R

    I imagine the folks that lived in the 52 homes that burned to the ground during the storm in the Rockaway section of Queens, or the folks that lost the entire facade of their building felt that the storm was a fakenstorm. Just sayin’.

    • Leandra Medine

      Yes, I wrote this post before the hurricane had really hit and mentioned that in the text–this was an attempt at some comic relief but I have absolutely not undermined the tragedies that have ensued.

      • Rosa Sparks

        Whether you mentioned it or not the post is still inappropriate.

        • Guest

          Give her a break, this isn’t fucking CNN

          • Ana Maria

            amen

      • Jess

        But you had written it after the deaths in Haiti….

  • http://cirquedelatelier.blogspot.com/ Cirque de l’Atelier

    Take a look at some of the damage from Sandy… sadly, McDonalds didn’t make it :(

    http://cirquedelatelier.blogspot.com/2012/10/hurricane-sandy.html

  • Jordan

    Not to take away from your amazing humor & writing, but this is a bit ill placed. Almost 30 dead in the U.S., 80+ homes burned down in Queens, clearly, this storm did have an effect & wasn’t just about performance anxiety. Of course, there are news reporters that exaggerate, but I think there should be a bit more respect for those who felt the wrath of Sandy. Otherwise, continue you on as I do love your blog!

    • http://www.facebook.com/flo.labrado Flo LaBrado

      Um… the post was before the storm hit the north east US.

  • Hanna

    check out my blog! :D mymeadow.webblogg.se

  • http://twitter.com/fbcreations fbcreations

    given the due condolences and warm thoughts to all who have suffered from Sandy, gotta say an thing or two about hurricanes (16 years veteran in Miami Beach). “performance anxiety” naturally translates into compulsive online shopping. champagne, click, chocolate cake (here’s where we compensate the “anxiety”), one more item in the shopping cart, cheese, crackers and wine and you need that sweater too. by default (read, meteorologists) all the bad ones happen when the September issues are out and the volume of winter clothing you accumulate is insane. j’aime beaucoup les pajamas and that Sandy cookie … only you could come up with the sunburn vagina, bravo

  • Samara

    Your ability to see the humor in otherwise gloomy situations is a light in the dark, I love your blog, I love your writing and I love your dedication to vaginas. I hope all is well for you out there and show that storm who is boss by being extra fabulous!

  • Felicity

    I think people are being unnecessarily harsh – you have no reason to feel bad about this post whatsoever. You were clearly just trying to provide a bit of comic relief – if we insisted on everyone being completely morose every time there was some sort of disaster then we all end up topping ourselves through sheer depression and anxiety. Sometimes, humour is the best way to deal with fear. RIP to those who have died. xxx

  • Erin

    Comic relief is always good. End of story.

  • lapetitemortxo

    I have silk pajamas almost just like those, and I wore the top as daywear last week. Outfit post here: http://fashionisevolution.blogspot.com/2012/10/what-i-wore-today-10192012-pajama-game.html

  • jay gaves

    comic relief is bomb, blatant ignorance however, is not.

  • http://www.ImportEyedea.blogspot.com/ ImportKT

    Girl stay you. I don’t come here for the humanitarian bits ya know? Not sayin’ you ain’t human…I’m a Katrina btw literally that’s my name and I threw a fit when they were still callin’ my storm “Tropical Storm Katrina”. I wanted a body count until I got one. Said jokes stopped by the time it reached NOLA. some of us don’t come here to judge you.

  • http://twitter.com/theabraham Abraham Dewanggana

    I think you’re the most beautiful woman in the world.

  • m

    ouch

  • meet me on the sunny road

    the post of yesterday may have been a tiny bit inappropriate in retrospect but hey, it’s always easy to say these things in retrospect. there was no way you could’ve predicted this. the fact that I just read in the comments about how you’re offering one of your readers the opportunity to use your washer and dryer is just awesome. and your mom opening her doors to anyone.. amazing! don’t let the negative comments bother you – you & your mom are setting a great example. people sticking together and helping each other out is what gets cities through situations like these. wishing you and everyone affected all the best!
    much love from the other side of the pond.

  • Candy

    You live uptown in sheltered wonderland. Grow up.

  • travellingbutterball
  • b2bmake

    b2bmake.com is a good website

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