Hey! It’s a two-for-one deal, this is a post about hair but what you see above is the small little baby fetus of a cameo I made in the ASOS September issue. “September issue.” This page is about suiting and eventhough what you see is neat (get it?), try to focus on the hair because this week in answers to questions often posed, seldom replied, overtly narcissistic: the way in which I get my mane squeeze to look like it has essentially been dipped tips first into a toilet bowl, brushed with a five finger stroke and then forced to air dry. The fact of the matter is, I’ve tried that and the fact of that matter is, toilet bowl hair is not particularly interesting. I gave it a try in the regular shower too but for a mane so patently Jewish, one that falls victim to the natural shape of an ’80s horror flick that is not horrific because of the plot but rather because of characters’ hair, the dip and dry just won’t cut it. I thought that maybe my hair would never be able to look voluminous, messy and yet still kissed by a polished groomer that appeals to poodles–of the apricot variety in particular–that I would have to rely on a trusty hair iron until the end of my days. Between you and me, I don’t know how to use a blow dryer.
Enter some products that changed the course of the previous internal battle and inadvertently: my life. My life. I am most often resilient to trust anyone who says they know how to defeat my frizz, for a while it seemed not even keratin could overcome the mountain of fly aways that reside above my head and I just couldn’t understand why normal girls get to come out of the ocean looking like Kate Bosworth ca. Blue Crush while I, the freak in white rimmed Jeremy Scott shades is stuck looking like her eleven year old unedited self, anxiously awaiting the ceremony that will turn her into a woman. I’ve learned in my life that it’s not the Bat Mitzvah that allows you growth, oh no. It’s the way in which you teach yourself to manage your hair. So one time I used Amino Acid shampoo because it came in a gift bag. When I got out of the shower though, it was like my hair had all the sudden aced the shit out of Intro to Chemistry–a class I very impressively almost had to take three times–and I was queen, sorry, kWeEn of the world.
Once I started, I couldn’t stop and now it seems time to pass on the torch. If you, like me, want your hair to look “wavy but straight” –only a very good hair stylist will ever understand what this sentiment means, I suggest you give a try to the Bumble and Bumble products photographed above. I’ve grazed lightly upon the magical way in which Surf Spray works but before the spray, comes the grooming creme and before the creme comes the straight lotion. I love the idea of putting lotion in my hair, it just feels so saucy. The fact of the matter is, we probably won’t ever look like Alexa Chung but maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s time we look to ourselves for inspiration. So, look to yourself. Do it. Get in front of a mirror and say, “who the fuck am I?” Then put grooming creme in your hair and say, “Oh, wow! So soft.” I for one, feel like a bowl of spaghetti every time I get out of the shower but maybe I should dedicate that sentiment to something else, another time.