Today, TMR functions as the miracle glue that binds your feet to luxurious footwear. Scoring Alaia shoes on The Outnet is kind of like winning the lottery only you pay money, not get it. Womp. It’s worth it in the name of sustainable art though and in dissecting just what makes Alaia shoes so damn expensive, I learned that the reality of it is, they aren’t just shoes. They’re practically semi-functioning people, see below.
They ride bikes and not just ride bikes but camouflage with the black metal that constructs the wheelers which could turn out very useful given the circumstances of whatever the situation at hand may pan out to be. Never underestimate the power of camouflage.
They love cereal, namely the sugary-kind that enables breakfast to feel like dessert. Look to the right for heaven’s sake, it couldn’t be more obvious: Tony the Tiger is all like, “they’re grrrrrreat!” and he’s not referring to frosted flakes which, I’ll just say it, sound like a really bad case of dandruff married to an awkward sexual innuedo. Sea-men related if you know what I’m saying which is not about a boat.
They give back to the greater good of mankind, resting on fire hydrants on any given day, at any given time to preserve our fine city and perhaps more importantly, make sure that should trouble strike, they’re in close proximity. You see, those black suede cut outs are far more functional in matters of a smoky hazard than the naked eye can comprehend.
They play not regular basketball but grocery store harvested b-ball. They also give a chance to the little guys, like Baden, slowly but surely climbing the hierarchical ranks to beat out Spalding. The spam really serves no purpose other than to say, “wow, these are cool shoes,” and also, “sorry for inundating your inbox with memos about penile implants, but did you really have to report me?”
Excuse me, he’s on the phone with his namesake.
(Insert chatter here.)
And this just in: Azzey wanted to let you know that there’s a big ass drop hitting The Outnet at 11AM today, just calmly sitting on your browser, waiting for you, maybe splashed with a dose of crazy, where the shoes float like root beer at an alleged 60% off. Here again, I wish there was an app that allowed you to throw tomatoes at me every time my jokes were this bad. In my defense though, I did just find you discounted Alaia, so.
While prices are still high, that’s a fact I won’t argue, if you’re in the market for a new pair of shoes, consider this: cost per wear means nothing when we can consider cost per action and if you calculate how valuable and beneficial a pair of Alaia shoes can become, if trained well, of course, (they talk to spam, ride bicycles, eat cereal, sit on hydrants–for heaven’s sake,) you’re practically making out like a bandit. A bandit, I tell ya. Home Alone.
Black Alaia booties, $640 at The Outnet. All photos by Charlotte Fassler.