Very Important and Urgent Matters

December 30, 2011
But not urgent like I have to have my appendix removed, it’s bursting everywhere, more urgent in the sense that my feet really don’t need another pair of shoes, but I am still going to make a big deal out of finding this one pair and let it escalate into the alpha white-girl-problem. Where in the good name of Azzedine am I to find these fuckers from, gasp, 2008? 2009? They’re in that unusual limbo whereby they’re not recent enough to be found sitting up right on the usual discount heaven interweb suspects: Yoox, The Outnet and what have you and yet not old enough either to be rendered vintage. I tried eBay too and failed. This is important, people. Like, white dress important if you know what I’m saying, catch my drift, flirt with my lingo? I’ll take any color, and squeeze my foot into a six, stretch it out to a 7.5, if need be. Reward if found. You can choose the reward so long as it doesn’t include my sacrificing any of the children that will exit my womb–first alien through menopause. Shoes count as children too. No sexual favors either. That’s unbecoming of a man repeller, more so of one engaged…in a relationship. Wow, pun parties shit on arm parties, who knew? This pathetic desperate plea to help me find these Alaia shoes aside, I’ll have you know that my 2012 resolution is to spend less money on shoes, more on helping people without any. It’s still 2011 though, so we have only approximately 45 hours under our belts. Run, run, go, go. Please? Happy new year.
Update: Like some sort of angel from a Parisian leather factory, reader Jada A. located the shoes at a Barneys outlet in Oahu, Hawaii. They were 70% off the sale price which ultimately left the initially very expensive $1800 shoes at $173. One hundred and seventy three. She went on to share a tale about a pair of $90 Balenciagas she’d scored days earlier. So, what do you say, collective migration to Hawaii or what? Thanks for all your help, you’re like the sisters I never had. Especially you, reader Jacob. And happy new year again. Here’s to moving forward with our resolutions.