Today, an old friend guest blogs for the Man Repeller. His name is Lee. Funny thing about this man is that he is not a man at all. Nay, he is a modern day Quasimodo. Though he is not Asian as his name suggests, he knows a thing or two about that which chops the tree, cracks the broom, crashes the banana boat. After all, he’s an expert (read: closet queen.)
Disclaimer: A rejected Man Repeller wearing high waisted denim shorts, a Little House on the Prairie-inspired blouse and shoes studded with loads o’crystals sat alone in Thompson Square Park one summer night in 2008, swinging to her own beat. Lee had just broken her heart, “it’s not you, it’s your clothes,” said he.
An old photo, yes, but so relevant right here and now.
And so, fellow Repellows, welcome QuasiLee:
An old wise married woman once told me, “The only time a man is truly honest is right after sex.” (Man Repeller note: what do you know, lazy eye. Lee has a lazy eye.) For this blog post, let us all assume that I just had a 24 hour long romp, since I will be brutally honest in regards to what repels men. (MR note: good one, Rico Suave.)
Animal print: I know it’s coming back because I see more Zebras and Cheetahs (MR note: We prefer to refer to the print as leopard) walking around the streets of New York every Saturday night. Sparing a limited array of feathers, anything that makes you look like an animal does not make me want to sleep with you (MR note: you hear that, ladies, he just gave feathers the OK. Black Swan win!) It makes me want to shoot you, but not in the “Oops I didn’t mean to” Dick Cheney way, (MR note: thank you, Lee for honoring my request and keeping things PC) but more of the ‘aim to kill’ way. This includes full dresses, head bands, flats and yes, even post-its. (MR note: animal print post-its!? Sign me up.)
Shoes: It is often hard to fathom that something so important in your minds eye may mean nothing to someone else, but it happens. That’s right ladies, most (straight) men don’t care what shoes you are wearing. We usually only look at your face. But big army boots are unappealing. They make you look more masculine than I am. (MR note: this is not difficult to accomplish.) Shoes with 1,000 buckles are a bitch to take off when we want to finally know one another biblically (MR note: we call them chastity boots for a reason, bible lover) and multicolored neon sneakers that scream ‘NOTICE ME’ fall into this category too. (MR note: I’ve never seen these alleged “multicolored neon sneakers” but I’d like to own a pair.)
Pants: I don’t know where the belly button covering pants idea came into play, (MR note: They’re called high waisted trouser pants, DUH) but us men like a nice belly button. (MR note: I’ll bet you do.)
How about high waisted leopard print diapers, Lee. Are these okay?
They are for super heroes and Halloween costumes. (MR note:
and fervent fashion flamingos.) Keep them at home unless you plan on becoming ‘Cockblock’, the ultimate super villain who can’t get laid and therefore makes sure that none of her friends do either.
Time for a “girls night out!” “Fuck boys!” is your slogan. Go buy some matches for your cape. (MR note:
Oh, nifty idea, Balmain inspired holes in the cape!) This goes for big black ponchos as well.
Oversized shirts: All men love when their girls looks like they just got out of bed and slapped on the button down he wore to work to make them cereal. But this trend has gone a bit too far. Some of the shirts you Repellers are wearing make you look like you just got ravaged by 3 Brad Pitts circa Fight Club. Some are enormous and don’t look like anything Fat Bastard would have worn. Some just look like your ex-boyfriends shirts that you loved too much to throw away…(MR note: Flattered you’d assume we have ex-boyfriends.)
Holy shirt: I am a spiritual man myself; however, having a hole situated under your arm pit is unnecessary. Do you sweat excessively? Use deodorant. Do you like a breeze? Get a guy to blow down your shirt. (MR note: In what world does is this solution on par with “use deodorant.”) Do you think it looks cool? It doesn’t. (MR note: Yes it does.)
My mother once told me, “all girls have baggage Lee, just pick the ones with carry on.”
I hold this true when it comes to fashion as well. There is no need to carry around EVERYTHING in one bag. Looking for shit takes you an hour, especially the keys to your apartment at 3:30 in the morning when you’re drunk. You are not Harry Potter and you don’t have a magical-fit-everything bag. When you go out carry a clutch and leave everything else at home. (MR note:
Oh, I’ll carry a clutch alright. CC: Reece Hudson Oversized Moto Clutch.
American Apparel Bras: They don’t have a snap and they are super fucking annoying! No one likes the douche-bag that brings a gift wrapped in shipping tape to a party, right? (MR note: What?) So don’t make this contraption more difficult to take off than it already is. (MR note: What?) We feel around for the clip but can’t find it and then you tell us that there is no clip. This yields a surprise ruined and mood damaged. (It’s very hard to kill the mood with guys. Unless you fart… out of your vagina… and even then…) (MR note: Wow, pulling a stop with the quaf. You could have been the model Man Repeller, Lee.)
Go forth and be the Rooster Magnet you were born to be! Your days of repelling are over!
Ultimately, fellow Repellows, the point of this social experiment was to gain insight on that which really repels the male specimen. Now that we know, it’s our duty to exploit those trends.
Go forth now and be the equestrian inspired weapon loving jungle animal in sequins you were born to be!
Your days of repelling have only just begun.