Holiday Gifting: Questionable Footwear

This week’s installment of Holiday Gifting is dedicated to my favorite form of footwear. Instead of singling out jungle animals, furry monsters, storks, dinosaurs, Swedish milkmaids, vaginas, Lego machines, bat caves, weeners, gerbils, submarines, culottes, Cyndi Lauper, and trucks, I’ve thrown all the above nouns into one single category. And what category is that, you ask?…You know: unidentifiable as footwear-footwear.

Real life conversation examples below:
“Is that your pet cheetah?” “No! They’re my leopard print sandals.”
“Oh how adorable, I didn’t know you had a pug.” “I don’t, these are my Opening Ceremony booties.”
Your shoes look like Sonic the Hedgehog.” “Why yes, yes they do. Thank you for taking note.”

I was once told it’s bad luck to gift people shoes but that is a dumb superstition and I am hereby expelling it. In spirit of December, Hanukah, Christmas, Kwanza and my rapidly approaching birthday, do feel free to send shoes, 36.5, people. Don’t forget it. 

Andddd moving forward, let’s take a look at five of the best sets of shoes my man-repelling ass could find for you:

A. Leopard Print Pony Hair Oxfords

And I quote my man friend when I say this “You are not a jungle animal.” Little do you know, man friend, I am, in fact, a jungle animal. One who evidently adores implementing commas.

B. Glitter Leather Ankle Boots

I prefer to call them tranny cowboy boots or perhaps the result of a disco-meets-the-midwest horror film.

C. Furry Booties

These darling conversation starters will not only function as your ice breaker, but as aforementioned, can heal the wounds you may have about a departed pet puppy, or something. (I’m projecting again.)

D. Open-toe Skirted Pumps

They say you shouldn’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in her shoes, I suppose your judgements will be come more accurate and perhaps intimate if said shoes looked like dripping vaginas. And you can’t put a pricetag on the prospect of slipping your feet into dripping vaginas, really. You just can’t.

E. Bedrock-Chic Ankle Boots

The Flinstone inspired Bedrock-chic ankle bootie above is heavily reduced from its starting price, $1250. You would thus be a fool not to buy them. Dinosaur feet for shoes is the latest and greatest in man repelling fashions.
I will conclude saying this: Yabba-dabba-doo!

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Thoughts?
  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/18225298040349571173 Michelle Bobb-Parris

    Fantastic finds. I've spotted the disco ball booties on a blogger. Can you guess which one?

    I need to up the man-repelling footwear ante this season. I've been slacking.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03401686887977484323 Man Repeller

    @MBP Yes you do!! Give us what we want!!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09018752871250031380 Little Scribbler

    Yabba-Dabba-Doo indeed! I am a massive fan of leopard print footwear to – esp if it's hairy. Exhibit a) hairy leopard print desert boots: http://little-scribbler.blogspot.com/2010/10/hang-on-minute-ive-seen-them-before.html

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11144709902352226084 Readytoowhere

    omg i tottally had the pony hair oxfords but they were zebra print, back in 1989. what possessed my mother to buy those for me!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07891613318929178094 I Don’t Wear Jeans

    You win… these are definitely man repelling shoes. One word… awful!

    http://idontwearjeans.blogspot.com/

  • http://twofortheclothes.wordpress.com/ twofortheclothes

    the man sitting next to me right now hated the miu mius and asked if the opening ceremony boots were for a "trapper." repellent? evidently. but who cares what he thinks. leopard and patent are clearly perfect together.

    x
    Laura

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/18234429821917572004 Diana
  • http://fashionslap.net/ fashionslap.net

    LOL I said that D looks like a vagina before I read anything. As for the shoes I would get I would like the furry ones. Why? Then I could say I went hunting to the abdominal snow man and I found him *evil laughter insues*. How fun would that be?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14956201443257275276 dull boy

    i am shocked at the prices of those shoes….looks like it can expensive work being a man repeller

  • http://ifipoopedgoldbars.com/ ifipoopedgoldbars.com

    I'm surprised you didn't include the new Teva high heels! Although I suppose you made up for it when you said "dripping vaginas" TWICE. hahahahaaha

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16693632252108701436 Matt Lents

    I like the pony hair ones! But the pink number is disturbing.

  • http://wottoncool.wordpress.com jo

    you are hilarious! with your descriptions i can never look at my shoes the same way again. margiela just lost me there. my boyfriend better not find out about this blog!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16041684254867053761 Amber

    I am laughing so hard that I am crying….

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13571647297447012840 Fabienne Jach

    OMG, I would rock the disco-meets-the-midwest-horror film boots any day. Seriously pimpin'!!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17871543845690367141 molly

    this is quite possibly the best blog I've ever read. bonus: my boyfriend LOVES it. We were out at nordstrom rack and he kept picking up shoes going, "things that look like vaginas: shoe edition. SO man repellant…"

    Molly

    lifelovelame.blogspot.com

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08214381110964227540 Kyle Albert

    I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it, but tranny is considered by many in the lgbt community to be pretty offensive, so you might not want to use it on your blog in the future. Love yours posts though!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10239424501972826047 Elettra

    OMG, I just discovered your blog, and I think i'm in love with you! :) I'm definitely gonna follow you!!

    http://whatsgoingonmymind.blogspot.com

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    I like to buy one for my parent as new year's gift :)

    Thanks for the information

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  • http://pimentowearingteagranny.tumblr.com/ Brianne

    There I was sitting in class illegally on your fabulous blog and I read your second last shoe description. I literally peed my pants….well not actually but you get the idea. mmm dripping vagina…I love you.

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