This week’s installment of Holiday Gifting is dedicated to my favorite form of footwear. Instead of singling out jungle animals, furry monsters, storks, dinosaurs, Swedish milkmaids, vaginas, Lego machines, bat caves, weeners, gerbils, submarines, culottes, Cyndi Lauper, and trucks, I’ve thrown all the above nouns into one single category. And what category is that, you ask?…You know: unidentifiable as footwear-footwear.
Real life conversation examples below:
“Is that your pet cheetah?” “No! They’re my leopard print sandals.”
“Oh how adorable, I didn’t know you had a pug.” “I don’t, these are my Opening Ceremony booties.”
“Your shoes look like Sonic the Hedgehog.” “Why yes, yes they do. Thank you for taking note.”
I was once told it’s bad luck to gift people shoes but that is a dumb superstition and I am hereby expelling it.
In spirit of December, Hanukah, Christmas, Kwanza and my rapidly approaching birthday, do feel free to send shoes, 36.5, people. Don’t forget it.
Andddd moving forward, let’s take a look at five of the best sets of shoes my man-repelling ass could find for you:
A. Leopard Print Pony Hair Oxfords
And I quote my man friend when I say this “You are not a jungle animal.” Little do you know, man friend, I am, in fact, a jungle animal. One who evidently adores implementing commas.
B. Glitter Leather Ankle Boots
I prefer to call them tranny cowboy boots or perhaps the result of a disco-meets-the-midwest horror film.
C. Furry Booties
These darling conversation starters will not only function as your ice breaker, but as aforementioned, can heal the wounds you may have about a departed pet puppy, or something. (I’m projecting again.)
D. Open-toe Skirted Pumps
They say you shouldn’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in her shoes, I suppose your judgements will be come more accurate and perhaps intimate if said shoes looked like dripping vaginas. And you can’t put a pricetag on the prospect of slipping your feet into dripping vaginas, really. You just can’t.
E. Bedrock-Chic Ankle Boots
The Flinstone inspired Bedrock-chic ankle bootie above is heavily reduced from its starting price, $1250. You would thus be a fool not to buy them. Dinosaur feet for shoes is the latest and greatest in man repelling fashions.
I will conclude saying this: Yabba-dabba-doo!